Married, distressed and not sure who I am

Hi everyone.

Hoping to ask for some advice.

I'm 29, married and questioning my sexual orientation.

I grew up in a religious fundamentalist background, where being gay (or even thinking gay thoughts) was a severe sin, worthy of punishment from God. I was encouraged to date and marry young, and told that sexual activity was only ok if it was in a monogamous, straight marriage.

I slowly moved away from that context and belief system about 6 years ago (as has my wife), but it's only recently that I've started to look back on my life and see that I seem to have had a same-sex attraction since puberty.

Unfortunately the thing that made me recognise this was meeting up with another guy on a dating site, which came after about a year of watching gay porn, chatting with other guys and receiving a massage from another man (which ended in him touching me).

When meeting the guy on on that dating site, I 'woke up' and left before we had full sex, but we kissed and touched each other's cocks for a short while. Throughout the while experience I felt that I was not in control of my body and that I was just watching events unfold like I was an observer in space.

It may sound strange, but this experience was what made me wake up to the fact that all was not well with what I was doing. Somehow, and talking about it now makes it seem so crazy, I was able to justify these other activities to myself and forget that I even did them. After all, I was only talking to gay people, seeing what gay porn was like, having a massage etc. Those things didn't mean I was bi or gay... but I just couldn't justify organising to meet up with a guy and being intimate with him. This was one step too far in my confused head and opened the floodgates, allowing me to see that I was leading dual lives, one of which I seemed to completely dissociate from.

I felt absolutely, utterly disgusted and ashamed of myself and my actions, and told my wife a few days afterwards about everything. I also told her that I no longer understood myself or how I came to perform these actions. She was understandably very shaken, but has stood by me whilst I try to figure these things out. She thinks that we can stay married and move on from this together if that's what I want, and if I'm not completely gay and still want her. I love her with all my being for the support and unconditional love she's shown me despite my selfish actions. And I can't bear to hurt her any more.

I've been to see a counsellor, and they've been helpful in unpicking my upbringing and my inherited ways of dealing with (or not dealing with) problems and my sexual feelings. I feel that I've learned a lot more about myself in this regard.

However, I'm still left with one major question: am I bi or gay?

Initially I thought I was bi, as I still notice pretty women in the street and still get turned on by sex with my wife, or the thought of sex with women. I find images of naked women arousing. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm really gay and have just been conditioned into a straight outlook on life, or am going through a transition period. Whilst I don't notice men in the street very much, the thought of gay sex drives me wild in a way that sex with women does not. I've also found this gay desire ebbs and flows, with it surfacing in full force a few times a month, and absolutely dominating my thinking when it does. I've probably had these dual desires all my life, but I'm only now starting to acknowledge them and peering back to notice and acknowledge their presence in my past.

My first sexual encounter was with another male friend when we were about 7 or 8 years old. We knew that sex was something secret that adults spoke about, and we wanted to run around naked together and touch each other's penis' and be 'naughty'. This was an isolated experience, but it stayed with me I guess, and was thus perhaps quite formative. It was soon after this that I found out that being gay was a 'sin' and could never be thought about or explored, even though I liked the idea of sex with both men and women (perhaps at the same time even). Being called 'gay' was also an insult in my school and college, so a secular environment didn't do much good to counter my religious beliefs in this regard.

I know I'm not straight. I really want to be bi, as then I can try and work with my wife to integrate this 'new' aspect of myself into our marriage and remain monogamous and faithful to her. However, the thought of never having sex with another man does actually scare me. On the other hand, I do think that if I was in a gay relationship, I would eventually want to have sex with a woman again too.

I really don't understand myself at all, and I hate the pain and suffering that I've brought to the person I love the most in the whole world.

If I am gay and were to end our marriage, a part of me is excited by the thought of the sexual freedom and exploration that monogamy (and my fundamentalist upbringing) forbids, but another part of me can't stand the thought of having to leave my wife and living without her. We've experienced so much of life together, and I want to continue experiencing it with her. I truly love her.

I feel that a clearly defined open relationship might help me find a place to deal with these same-sex desires on occasion, but that is not be something my wife wants to consider (and I totally respect that).

I just love her and don't want to leave or hurt her. I wish I could make my same-sex desire go away, but I've tried to do that for my whole life and it just ended up forcing its way out again and causing pain.

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. I feel so confused and ashamed of my sexual desires, like a stranger to myself and a traitor to the woman I love.

 

Is the therapist you are seeing specifically trained in sexuality? If not, you may want to consider finding one that is better suited to help you conclude what your sexuality is.

It does sound like you have a very understanding wife. You should keep in mind while there might be initial pain if you were to decide you were gay instead of bi, and that left you and your wife to decide to split up, in the long run it would enable each of you the chance to find fulfillment in life. So short term suffering might actually be the best in the long run.

In terms of shame, this is a very powerful emotion and it is more impactful given your religious upbringing. It's easy for me to say you should not feel shame, but that is a journey you will need to embark on to understand shame and put it in its place. The goal is for you to live your life as authentically as possible with whatever your sexuality is, and learning about shame is a very important part of that journey.

These are only initial high level thoughts, I am sure others will chime in. Welcome to EC, you will find a lot of insight from others experiences. In conjunction working with a good therapist, should help you figure a lot of things out for yourself.

 

So hi and you can read my threads on here because I been married 29 years and five weeks ago my confronted me that she had known for months I been sleeping with guys . Obviously this caused a lot of pain and betrayal so that part we are dealing with . I have questioned my sexuality for while now and starting with massages with happy ending to ultimately going to a dating site to meet guys it spiraled for me . I was in an obsessive compulsive place and it was getting crazy so my wife finding out was a huge relief even if it has caused some serious marital problems but we are not going to do anything rash and in therapy to work on us but I am working on me now . I asked the same questions to me am I saying I am bisexual which I to pretend not to be gay, I answer no . I see no emotional or Romantic interest whatsoever . Needless to say cheating on my wife with anyone was bad and I am beyond remorseful and as I said working on it . Sexuality is complicated and no need for labels for sure . Read about the Kinsey scale of sexuality it is most often referred too as best view of it , 0= heterosexual and 6= gay , everything else is in between

 

Yep, I am pretty much in the same boat, and am still trying to figure it out. Mj5963's thread really helped me and so did the one I made the other day. I think it is possible to get answers if you commit yourself to honesty and stop beating yourself up for your religious upbringing. You are free to live without any shame today. Sure, it worked when you were religious but that part of your past is over. You can be the person you want to be in the present. You have that freedom. Evidently, you do not have the freedom to choose whether you are bi or gay, but I hope you find peace soon.

 

You are a good man godless I find this EC to be a wonderful
Place to share and talk albeit some people have real opinions but one doesn't have to listen to any of them if they so choose . I have come a long way since the day my wife confronted me and I admitted to having sex with guys . Relief is the best work

 

Thanks. You are too. I lived in my head and beat myself up mercilessly for a year or more before I found this site.

 

Ironically I have since told two close friends I am bi sexual and omg so liberating not scared at all , my kids don't know yet

 

It sounds like you're bisexual. It's not clear whether you have told your wife about your same-sex attractions, but that would probably be the next step unless you decide to sublimate your same-sex desires through sex with your wife and fantasies, or have sex with other men "on the down low." How important is it to you that you act on your same-sex desires? If it is important to you and you haven't told your wife yet what is your best estimate of how she would respond and how it would affect your marriage? Do you have any children?

 

Thanks for the welcome and responses, everyone.

The therapist I'm seeing has been helpful, but he's not specifically trained in sexuality. There is a counsellor who offers sex therapy for couples near where we live, and my wife and I plan to see her and explain the situation (and a few other, unrelated difficulties in our sex life). Hopefully she'll help us work through this together.

Yes, I do have a very understanding wife, who I know loves me and wants the best for me.

Shame is definitely something a pattern that I've noticed throughout my life, and I'm working to correct those thoughts and accept my feelings and desires. I still feel terrible for my extra-marital actions though, but I'm trying to view them as something I should have healthy guilt about, with a view to make amends and bring about positive change, rather than the fact that I'm a terrible person for having committed them.

Thanks for your welcome and thoughts.

Yes, I read your thread too. Thanks for making it -- it helps to hear that there is someone else in a similar situation, it makes me feel not as isolated or alone.

I think that I have the potential to have emotional and romantic interest towards other men, and I've had a few close male friends over the years that I could consider being emotional and romantic with if I were single, aware of my sexuality and still in contact with them. When I knew these people I just felt that these relationships were good friendships or 'bromances'.

It's also worth mentioning that I have and do feel emotional and romantic interest towards women too, chiefly my wife. As a younger person, I felt a drawing towards a few women whom I had a crush on and I wanted to be around them and ask them out.

I have heard of the Kinsey scale, and I know I'm definitely not straight ('0'). It seems that I fluctuate from a '1' to a '5' or even '6' at different intervals and for different periods of time.

Thanks, I'll check out your thread too.

Over the years, I've managed to disown a lot of my religious assumptions from childhood, at least at a theoretical level. However, it's more the emotional and behavioural responses that I've been programmed with that I am just starting to become aware of. For example, I was led to believe that if I did something 'wrong' I should repent of it and ask forgiveness from god and then forget it happened because god had forgiven me. In reality, I should have shared my feelings with other people and spoken about them. I believe that this sort of secrecy and programmed way of dealing with my feelings and desires has contributed to my inability to identify these desires and speak to others about them. Ultimately, it led me to lead a split life that ended in me cheating on the woman I love.

If you've ever read 1984, then you'll know how thought control can change people's personalities, program their behaviour and make them unable to consider specific thoughts or ways of thinking. In many ways, the church programmed me to see homosexuality as a thought crime (gay sex was not just a sinful action, but even the fantasy or thought of it was too), and I was never able to recognise the same sex desire inside of me.

Yes, I most strongly identify with bisexual thoughts, feelings and actions. It's just that when I'm in my 'gay phase' I actually feel like a gay man. But at other times I feel like a straight man. This is what I find most confusing -- it's almost like I'm two separate people. I truly wish I could just have no desire for gay sex and focus all my desire on my wife, but I'm not sure that I can do this 100% of the time.

I have told my wife about these attractions, and we have agreed that I'm figuring things out and will discuss it soon. I'm still not quite sure what to say though. I now know how my history has led me to unconsciously suppress my gay desire and split it off from 'me', which ultimately led to my unfaithfulness. But I don't know if I'm truly gay or just bi. I lean towards the latter, but I guess I just don't want to get this wrong and cause further pain further down the line if I later decide I'm exclusively gay.

Having sex with other men 'on the down low' is absolutely not an option. What I've done already has shown me that leading this sort of life will destroy your mind and soul, and the person you are in a relationship with. When I realised what I'd done, I felt that taking my own life was not entirely off the table (I no longer feel this, or even seriously considered it at the time, but it did seem like a quick fix to solve the problem). Previously I was unaware of my gay desire and was not able to integrate it into who I am. That's starting to change now. I can't give myself to my wife and keep secrets from her. Not now that I am coming to know this repressed part of me.

Having said that, expressing my same-sex desire is important to me. It seems that I have to choose to deny my gay desire, or to deny my life-partner. And I can't bring myself to do either.

To be honest, it feels like torture.

 

aJ462 , as I have said earlier and other threads.now that I am going through the emotions and pain from my wife finding out I was exploring sexually with guys on the down low , if I could do anything over it would have been I would have admitted to her I was bisexual , and then things may have been the same meaning I would have wanted to explore sex with guys but I believe we would be in a different place than we are now . The pain of the betrayal is pretty damn hard . But I will say she has been amazing as I work on me and we together are working on us too . Good luck and I will watch this thread and see how things go

 

Thanks, I agree that cheating is not an option for me. See my above post And I thank you for your honesty too.

It seems that we both have good wives, and that we probably don't deserve them.

 

Well what I have definitely found out is that my wife does love me , does care about me and is trying to see if there can be an us going forward . I will say this our marriage as we knew it no longer exists , because there were things which I won't get into that basically permitted emotional disconnection and ultimately I strayed from the most important part of marriage and that was trust . I will have to continue to earn her trust again as I ether one of us want to go through the pain of what I caused . So being upfront about it to me is the only way and in this odd way it got me out of the closet to the one person in the world I care to know about my sexuality and that is my wife . My love for her has gotten so strong now it is exciting and I want to be with her always. Sex was never the reason I did what I did and I am 100% confident about that , it was my outlet of escape from emotional loneliness . I continue to self reflect and talk to my therapist plus keep a journal which helps
Me a lot but that is just me

 

Forgive me if I am repeating anything that has already been posted in this thread, my comments are specifically in response to the original post.

I think it's interesting that you acknowledge coming from a "religious fundamentalist" background, where same sex relationships were considered sinful. It takes a lot to admit that it was fundamentalism and then leave all of it behind and you also acknowledged that it was a slow process that only occurred within the last six years. What was the catalyst for you (and your wife) leaving it behind and to what extent do you think you have left it behind? Is there any part of you that misses it? Has it impacted upon relationships within your wider family?

You said that it's only upon recent reflection that you've become aware of same sex attraction from earlier in life, but I would suggest it's always been there, hidden behind those layers of shame. Shame is a powerful thing that forces us to deny and repress feelings and memories and there may be more work to do in counselling to overcome all of that.

For a long time religion kept everything in check and stifled all of your urges towards other men and I'm wondering if the newly/recently acquired freedom is fuelling your interest and desire, more than might be the case. It's a bit like a car that has been garaged for years with a full tank -- it's raring to go when the ignition is turned.

Nobody can tell you if you are bisexual or gay, but you mention having dual desires all through your life with an ebb and flow in interest for other men. This might point more towards bisexuality, but it's not for me or anybody else to label you. It is certainly possible that your interest in men is all the keener now because the shackle of fundamentalist religion has been removed. Will it dissipate over time if you are allowed to explore? I don't know for sure, but it might. It's unlikely to go away though and if the thought of not having sex with a man again scares you, it's important to pay attention to that feeling.

I totally understand that you love your wife and want to find a way forward. I think most gay or bisexual men enter into marriage with a woman with the best of intentions and a real desire to make it work and over the years a genuine love and affection develops. When the issue of same sex attraction finally does arise or becomes too overwhelming to ignore, the husband still wishes to protect his wife's feelings - even at the expense of his own. I'm pleased you are not doing that. It doesn't make you uncaring or selfish to look out for yourself. So how do you move forward? I would strongly suggest couple counselling for both of you and since you are based in the UK, I would recommend Relate www.relate.org.uk
Relate will work with you individually and together, to establish what you want and need going forward and to help you understand what's achievable, even if that does mean separating (but remaining the best and closest of friends).

It's a lot to think about, but you have already faced big challenges in moving away from fundamentalism and starting one to one counselling. I'm confident you can both face this latest challenge and find a way forward.

 

AJ462 your story really hit a nerve with me. You've described my situation, albeit a few small differences. I am 31 and have been with my Fiancé for 8 years. I also come from a very religious background, and up until recently have always considered myself totally straight. I haven't experimented with any guys whilst in my relationship, however I do often fantasy about it and have been watching gay porn since puberty. You're a step ahead of me in that you've told your wife about it. Which is arguably one of the most difficult steps in the process.

Like you I go through periods where I feel exclusively gay, exclusively bi and exclusively straight. If I see a pretty girl walk down the street my eyes will go to her, however in the last year I've started to notice men in the street as well. It is really difficult to know if I am looking at the female because I've been socially conditioned to or if I genuinely do find the female body attractive. The realisation I'm slowly coming to, is that to fully understand my sexuality I am going to need to explore my gay side for a period of time. I'm not prepared to put my Fiance through that, so my situation may end in a separation :tears:. Which is difficult as she is my best friend and I love her more than anything.

I haven't really offered you much in the way of advice, just that I feel you pain. I am reading a very good book at the moment: Joe Kort, is my husband gay straight or bi. Dr Kort talks about homosocialise which is when a gay man needs some time to socialise and connect with other gay people. I previously didn't think that would ever apply to me, but lately I have really enjoyed time spent with gay friends. Maybe you could test the waters and go to a gay pub/ bar with some gay friends.

 

Lost4 dr korts book is really good and resonates since I have explored with guys and since I did in fact cheat on my wife with guys it is horrendous and the pain and betrayal I did on her is simply something f I cannot fathom ever doing again. I am beyond remorseful and have committed to my wife and. Improving myself and being faithful to her for rest of my life . While it was fun. Have zero interest in a relationship or romance with a guy to
Me it was physical and something g I was curious about but it spiraled big time due to many things of which only sound like excuses so my suggestion is if you truly love her , tell her of. Your desire and possible need to understand your sexuality and always be safe and tell her about it you may be surprised as to her reaction and support . Hope that helps

 

Hi and thanks for commenting.

I guess the catalyst for change was higher education and learning how to think critically, which made me apply this to other areas of my life too. I can see that there is much that is good to religion and Christianity, but certain aspects of the type of church I went to failed to stand up to sustained enquiry and a critical thought. That's not to say that I thought a secular worldview provided answers that my church could not adequately respond to, but that I could see contradictory beliefs held within my own church's belief structure. I could also see how their practice didn't quite mesh with other parts of Christianity or other interpretations of the biblical text (in fact, to even suggest that the biblical text could have more than one possible meaning would be viewed as 'backsliding'.).

To be honest, I do miss the comfort that such a black-and-white worldview provides. It taught me who and what was right and wrong, that I was important and had a specific job to do, and that I knew exactly what I was here for and where I would end up after death. I wouldn't go back to that way of thinking now, but I can empathise with people who hold to those beliefs and see why they do.

I also think that my same-sex desire has also been there, and I wonder if now I've acknowledged it, that it's coming ot the foreground. I'm not sure if this is how I'll always be, or if I'll get opposite-sex desire again in a short while.

Thanks for your words of support. I do love my wife very much, and want the best for her. I know that means that I can't suppress my feelings any longer, but I just hope it means that we can both be together.

Thanks again for the comment and support.

 

Hey, thanks for stopping by.

It's really good to hear from people in a similar situation, and it makes me feel less like I'm odd, wrong or 'sinful'.

I wish you all the best for your situation, and I hope that you are able to discuss this with your fiancée. I would definitely recommend that you do do this, you may even be surprised in a good way.

I would strongly advise you to never do what I did, and explore these feelings without her. It'll lead to you down the road of infidelity, and believe me that the mental anguish and pain that brings to both parties is hideous.

For me, it almost felt like I didn't have a choice and that I was watching myself perform these actions without recognising it was me doing them. You seem to have some sort of insight into your own desires and have been able to sign up and post here about them, so take courage in that.

 

Hi and thanks for commenting.

I guess the catalyst for change was higher education and learning how to think critically, which made me apply this to other areas of my life too. I can see that there is much that is good to religion and Christianity, but certain aspects of the type of church I went to failed to stand up to sustained enquiry and a critical thought. That's not to say that I thought a secular worldview provided answers that my church could not adequately respond to, but that I could see contradictory beliefs held within my own church's belief structure. I could also see how their practice didn't quite mesh with other parts of Christianity or other interpretations of the biblical text (in fact, to even suggest that the biblical text could have more than one possible meaning would be viewed as 'backsliding'.).

To be honest, I do miss the comfort that such a black-and-white worldview provides. It taught me who and what was right and wrong, that I was important and had a specific job to do, and that I knew exactly what I was here for and where I would end up after death. I wouldn't go back to that way of thinking now, but I can empathise with people who hold to those beliefs and see why they do.

I also think that my same-sex desire has also been there, and I wonder if now I've acknowledged it, that it's coming ot the foreground. I'm not sure if this is how I'll always be, or if I'll get opposite-sex desire again in a short while.

Thanks for your words of support. I do love my wife very much, and want the best for her. I know that means that I can't suppress my feelings any longer, but I just hope it means that we can both be together.

Thanks again for the comment and support.

 

Lost, you may very well be going through a period of negotiating with yourself. Have you considered meeting with a therapist? It might be useful to help you organize your thoughts. Also, you may want to start another thread so people can comment on your specific situation.

 

Agree with onthehighway, a good therapist can help guide you to really dig inside yourself. I have come a long way with the help of a therapist and I believe it is an ongoing thing .