After coming out, I felt some big breakthroughs at various points in my journey; points where I hit an especially nice peak, a new high where I started feeling much more positive and confident. I hit one if those highs around Christmas time; feeling a very sharp increase in my certainty about my path and knowing that I'm making all the right choices. (separating from my husband, taking a leap in faith about living authentically as a gay woman) All the peaks I've hit so far have come from actions I've taken but all in relation to my own introspections about me. But I hit a new peak recently and it has surprised me a bit. Since I've started dating this woman, I've opened up and let myself become very vulnerable with her, being open with her sexually, emotionally in ways I've never been before; all of this has impacted my feelings about *me*. When I walk, I feel a lightness in my step, a sureness in my stride, pride in myself I've never felt so fully before. I feel like I hold my head higher than ever; I feel like I can be open and honest so much more easily as well. The other day, I was preparing for a romantic night with my girlfriend; buying her a rose and printing out a personal gift, that was obviously intended for a woman (her name and a romantic note were right there on the printout). The feeling I had doing such an obvious romantic gesture for a woman so casually in the open felt so damn good. I felt so much more like myself, so proud, so happy. Has anyone experienced something similar? I'm trying to more fully understand why this impacts me in such a way.
This is the exact reason I joined Empty Closets. I have increasingly felt an elation, a lightness as you say, in how I walk, dance, even prance around. Heck, I more freely pose and gesture with my hands and hips than I usually would these days. I'm still not ready to be openly bisexual and let the whole world know, but internally, I've never felt so content or proud of/with who I am. Additionally, I have been feeling distinct changes in how my mind thinks of myself and the desires that I have as a man who is interested in both sexes. I've been going through an exploratory process lately regarding my acceptance and understanding of my interests in men, which has kept my mind focused on that aspect most prominently. That doesn't mean I don't still have an attraction to women. I certainly do. But because the attraction to men physically and sexually is so new to me, my conscious and subconscious mind want to explore that most, until perhaps it can equal out with the other. You could say I've reached the renaissance period of my sexual history.
B, I am glad your getting these highs, but you are soon going to be experience some real lows as a result of dating a married woman that will not be able to commit in the long run. ?I am sorry to diminish the positive energy your expressing in this post. But at this point on your journey, I would strongly advise to adjust course a bit. Your becoming too attached to someone whom can not reciprocate and I am very concerned for that fall that might come as a result for you.
Mistermissy, I'm so happy for you that you're progressively feeling more yourself! That's how I feel too; every step I take makes me feel more and more me. And it's an amazing feeling. OTH - I understand all of your concerns and I know you're giving me sound advice; but one of the things that makes this relationship really special is the communication involved all around. I know she can't commit in the long run. We talk very openly about things ending at some point, we've discussed all the angles. I also wanted to say that the highs I'm feeling aren't just about being in love, I feel I'm growing so much as a person; no matter what happens with this woman that growth is a positive part of what I'm experiencing and this post is more about me feeling more myself, not simply the happiness I'm getting from her. I know you're looking out for my heart, I really appreciate that. But I need to see where this goes on my own, I know how it ends, one of us walks away and it hurts; but in the meantime I'm taking risks, growing and feeling quite happy.
No doubt, you need to do this on your own. Your making great progress for sure. I am just giving you an outside perspective. And when you say "being in love", that in of itself highlights my concerns for you. I hope it all works out well.
I can certainly relate Jedi. telling my son, telling my parents, coming out at work, getting with Pflag and the trans support group..... all high points, and yeah, makes you lighter in your steps. probably because you're not carrying around so much weight on your mind and soul. even talking about the "date" the other day is sort of freeing, heck it's very freeing.
