Well I opened the floodgates. I think I might be gay.

Hey godless , as we have talked on various threads I hear you loud and clear and wow what a day I am sure . Trust me I have questioned myself so many times , am I straight just needing sex , am I Beacham or am I gay . I suggest you get to a therapist who specializes in sexuality as she has helped me a lot . I am proud of u for this as I wish I told my wife before I ever cheated because the I fidelity is a horrendous thing to do to a woman I love . You should read dr joe korts book is my husband gay straighten or bi, plus his website is good gayhuise.com

I know I have some form of liberation right now

 

So look my wife confronted me it was very difficult very but I told her it was relief she caught me so I could stop , I was spiraling so much it was concerning me a lot. But I just couldn't stop or get out of doing it with guys and my therapist who specializes in addiction too definitely feels my obsessive compulsive behavior was big signs of addiction . I have been very open and honest with wife and write her many letters memorializing our talks too. Give her space and make sue she knows u live her and want to find ways to work together on this

 

Some are bi, others are gay. Many whom are gay use the identity of bi while they are in the negotiating phase of self identity. I certantly did for many many years before I was able to accept I was simply gay.

In addition to the book Mj mentions, you may want to take a read to The Velvet Rage, by Alan Downs. It's a very good book about accepting ones self, and the shame that is embedded in being a gay man, as well as tips for addressing it.

See how the discussion with your wife continues to sit with you over the coming days. I am sure it must feel like a huge weight off your shoulders. Welcome to the beginning of the journey for finding your self and completely accepting yourself for whom you are.

 

Good morning godless was thinking about you and what you are dealing with since I am dealing with some similar things even though mine is complicated by my infidelity . But my issues are not just limited to the infidelity it is the sexuality part and trust me I have toiled over this a lot not just recently but certainly for half dozen years or so . Wha. I had that first sexual experience with a guy of course the first thing I asked myself was am I gay. I am sure many guys ask the same and I have learned that sexuality is complicated and falling into a label to me is conforming to others . I just have self reflected so much and dug into myself to understand my attraction to guys . Again for me it keeps coming back to a physical thing and that is it , while some have posted that it may be my way of repressing my sexuality , I jjst don't feel that is true . I still am attracted to woman and I long for romance again with my wife including sex . So I accept I am "bi" if I need a label . Hope this helps

 

Godless, very similar however I went from straight to gay never really considered myself bi once I accepted my homosexuality. Like others mentioned you are a voyage of discovery to become who you really are. I completely understand when you say being gay feels right. That is exactly how I felt. The more you embrace it, the better it will feel for you. The process is not without pitfalls and unfortunately most times people you care about get caught in the cross fire, if you will. However you have to do what is right for you in the long run.

 

so godless, lets take a step back. what lead you to these homosexual identity feelings? have you always been attracted to same gender? how old are you? any experimentstion during the teen and college years?why now? how long has the gay feelings been there?

 

I agree with early 40s. You are still excited by women but want to be with a man? I know you don't believe in counseling; but, this sort if raises a red flag to me. Is this a honest assessment about how you feel?

I was obsessed with sex with men to the point I hardly looked at women. However, after doing a little experimenting, I am learning a lot of that was built up curiosity. It may be helpful for you to really understand if your recent yearnings are a recognition of your true gay orientation or if your lack of desire for sex with your wife is based on something else.

Sorry your wife is taking this so hard. But, it sounds like you provide a lot if care and this has to make her feel vulnerable.

 

I don't think your crazy , you are finding yourself . I been battling myself too and have come to full acceptance I am bi and I want to live my life forever with my wife and be totally monogamous with her forever and I am ashamed and guilt ridden for cheating on her but I feel we are working through this infidelity together and now finally I am resolute about who I am and I won't let it define me , sounds like you need to separate and explore fully with guys just my view

 

Godless, I find it intriguing that you use a difficult situation as justification for being straight. For example, you mention your wife being sick and this was a reason to identify as straight? Wow. It is incredible how the
mind bends in order to conform or do what is seen as right. This probably makes identifying oneself as anything but heterosexual difficult in the beginning. You seem to have a strong identity that comes from understanding that you crave men, regardless of what term you give yourself. Your writing and confidence lead me to think you are absolutely NOT crazy! You crave men. You have a strong bond with and love your wife. That makes perfect sense but has to be exhausting to the brain since there are not a lot of mainstream examples to look to.

 

Sexuality is complicated and there are many shades of gray. Please google the Kinsey scale if you are not already familiar with it. While there are online Kinsey tests, they aren't backed by research, so use them as a starting point.

I identify as a Kinsey 5 and round to gay in real life. For a time I thought I was bisexual because I can't be gay if I enjoy sex with women. As it turns out, I enjoy sex and romantic relationships with men even more. Sexual orientation is defined by sexual attraction (who you desire) rather than sexual behavior (what you've done). Please note that some men are Kinsey 3 bisexuals and some men use bisexuality as a transitory orientation while questioning. I'm not going to disparage either experience because it takes strength to find yourself.

Since you think you are gay, I'm going to focus on that experience.

Figuring out your orientation is simple but not easy. In many cases people know they are gay by listening to their inner voice. The hard part is accepting that you are gay because of the shame and internalized homophobia tell you that you don't want to be gay, you can't be gay, etc. These come from years of messages growing up that being gay is wrong or bad. These messages will prevent you from accepting the simple truth of your sexuality. The key is to work through your shame so you can embrace who you are.

Many gay men in denial have gay feelings early in life that might have been misinterpreted or explained away. For example I thought certain boys were cute growing up. Because I did not have any gay role models at the time, I thought this was some sort of normal admiration. In hindsight with the fog of shame lifted, I realize these were normal attractions for a young gay man. Perhaps you have similar attractions in your life, either today or from your past, that might be clues to your true nature?

Here are blogs where I shared my experience. They have helped many people along their journey. The first one might help you address the shame of being gay. The second one might help you understand the dialog between you and your wife.

Healing the shame of being gay

Preparing to come out to your spouse as gay

HTH
#sfpost

 

I suggest you look at the Klein sexuality grid as well it is more current and Moreno I depth as none of this is linear

 

I am brand new here. I am married to a woman. I like men more.
She told me she likes women. Sex has stopped. I am making a few close
male friends.

Sex with women has gotten difficult and I did not mind that sex stopped.
I like men and it is going okay. I have a huge fear of STDS and HIV.

I am finding a great deal of the men on online sites just want sex.

I am hanging in there and this is my first post.

TM

 

The risk for HIV and STI is scary, and your best defense is to educate yourself and take charge of your health. There are things that you can do to reduce the risk. Here's a starting point.

• ALWAYS wear a condom for anal sex.
• Oral sex is a lower risk activity. Ejaculation and rimming are by invitation only with trusted partners.
• Be selective and avoid anonymous scenes.
• Get screened for HIV/STI regularly.
• Look into PrEP as an additional level of protection beyond condoms.