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Break it off?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by NYCer, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. NYCer

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    I have been dating a woman in her 20s (I'm in my 40s) since December. She is really the first woman I've dated and it started out as a hook-up (we met online and had sex the first night we met). We've met up about once to twice per week and a couple of times she would ask to do something with me but then cancel later because her friends suddenly made plans.

    Like yesterday she asked if she could come over tonight and she would bring over dinner, but then this morning she texted me and said that didn't realize it was her roommate's birthday and they were going out to dinner, so sorry. WTF?

    I do very much enjoy having sex with her, and I think the relationship is primarily sexual, and I do like going out to dinner and museums with her, so she has been a positive in my life. Actually the sex with her is the best I've ever had, but I was pissed this morning. It also happened once when we were supposed to do something on a Saturday afternoon (which she had suggested), but then those plans were trumped by plans with her friends.

    She is a grad student and I'm a divorced mom with kids. Do you think it is worth it to keep this relationship because of the awesome sex and fun times dating, or would the two times canceling give you pause? I know this relationship is only temporary, but I also don't like to be alone either. If I break up with her, what do I say?
     
  2. r2de2baca

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    sorry kiddo. she has put you in hookupzone. that means that she only sees you as someone for sex and regarding other activities you will only get priority if she is bored or has nothing else going ok with her friends. you will not be a priority for her unless she feels like she wants to see you. she will eventually tell you she has a lot of stuff going on and she is busy and she has a lot of stuff going on with school and she doesnt want to lead you on. this is all code for "im attracted to you and you are cute and all but i dont want to be in a relationship wirh you and just want to use you for sex or recreation when im bored."

    my advice to you is to drop her. just start telling her you are busy and cant meet up. if you do this enough times she will either 1. get the hint and back off because she could care less. 2. ramp up efforts to be with you but only due to the fact of her ego and feeling rejected but not because she really likes you that much. for people in the #2 cateogory they just like the attention and like having you as an option. once you take that away they double down on their efforts to "win you back" and once they know they have you back they start playing you off again.

    people that truly want in your life and respect you do not cancel at the last minute and if so its because of an emergency or something outside their control and they ALWAYS suggest a specific alternate date and time to reschedule the plans. people who consisently cancel last minute could care leas about you and are using your to fill up their social calendar when they are bored or in between dates. dont let her win you back. she will keep doing the same thing. cancel that bitch. and you dont owe her an explanation. she is not giving you an explanation about why she is playing you for a fool. you are not a fool and dont give her the satisfaction of some long explanation that will only feed her ego about how much you like her but how you cant continue as things are. she really could care less and is probably getting off on the fact she thinks she has a soccer mommwrapped around her little game-playing 20somethimg year old finger.
     
    #2 r2de2baca, Feb 20, 2017
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  3. SiennaFire

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    You need to decide for yourself whether or not to continue with the relationship. It comes down to looking at what you get from the relationship (awesome sex and fun times dating) and whether the costs are worth it (the occasional last-minute ditch). The fear of being alone is the wrong reason to stay in a relationship. FWIW, wanting to spend time with friends is not unexpected from a 20-something. Given that there's an age gap, what do you get from the relationship / age gap?
     
    #3 SiennaFire, Feb 20, 2017
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  4. greatwhale

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    As with most things in life, you need to be clear about what you want.

    You seem to understand that this relationship is temporary and mostly sexual. Given this, what more do you expect from it? Disappointment comes from dashed expectations, so, to remedy this, you can either seek to correct another person's behaviour (almost always a bad idea) or you can deal with what you expect from that other person.

    It is an important philosophy of life that it is better and more effective to deal with things one can control. You cannot control her behaviour, but you can certainly control what you expect of it and what you value from this relationship.

    I have learned long ago that the best way to avoid conflict in relationships and friendships is to accept people as they are and to simply enjoy the reason I am friends with them in the first place. I have a friend who is constantly late for our get-togethers, but I am friends with that person because I enjoy his wicked sense of humour. Just call it a price to pay for the good things that person brings into your life.

    Finally, if you do want more from this relationship, despite what I said above, you will find that very often one gets the very best by simply asking for it...which goes to the point of knowing with a fair degree of precision what it is you want.
     
  5. NYCer

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    Thanks, all. Initially I was thrilled with the relationship because the sex was the best I ever had in my life, but as time went on I felt myself wanting more out of the relationship, something more emotional, even though I wasn't really romantically interested in her per se. But I just wanted a more fulfilling relationship in general, and because she was already satisfying me physically, I was hoping she would be it, even though I don't feel like we really connect mentally/intellectually (which is important to me).

    Also, the last couple of times, while sex was good, it wasn't mind-blowing awesome as it was previously. I've also thought that spending time with her was making me less motivated to seek out someone I could have a real relationship with, so perhaps this is a good time to break things off. What do I say? Do I mention that I don't like it when people make plans with me and then break them to spend time with other people (which has only happened twice in the past two months), or just say something general about how it's not working out, or just whenever she asks to get together just say I'm busy? Thanks.
     
  6. r2de2baca

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    i still dont understand why you feel the need to tell her anything? this is not a relationship? its a hookup right? she has cancelled on you without notice. she is not treating this like a relationship so why are you. just stop texting her and dont return her calls. she isnt going to care much at all. if you feel like you need to tell her something just tell her this has been fun but you have a lot going on right now and need to take more time for you and your kids so you wont be seeing her again but you wish her well.
     
  7. NYCer

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    Well, we have gone on sort of dates, like the movies, museums, dinners, etc., and have talked about stuff going on in our lives and had plans to travel together in March, so perhaps it's not completely a hookup scenario. After she canceled tonight's plans, she asked if we were still on for Wednesday: We were supposed to go out to dinner and then back to my apartment (kids are traveling with my parents). What do I say? Just ignore?
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Given that you've had more than sex, it is best to explain simply that it isn't working. No need for long explanations, but she should at least know why in a general sense, this is good for giving yourself the proper closure.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    I would be transparent with her and say that while you enjoyed your time with her, you are at a point where you want a romantic relationship with somebody who is emotionally available and puts you first (You'll need to put this in your own words, but this is my interpretation from your post).
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Feb 20, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017
  10. OGS

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    Wow--that escalated quickly. I have to say I don't see quite the problem that everyone else seems to.

    The way I read your post is this:

    You've been seeing someone for about two months. You've had great dates, great conversations and great sex, even made plans to go away together.

    You're considering dumping her because: she went to her roommate's birthday dinner and some other event with her friend group. Oh, and the sex isn't as exciting as it was the first few times.

    Are you serious? If the cancellations bother you that much, talk to her about them. If you aren't sure where the relationship is going I suppose you could talk to her about it but, come on, it's been two months. If you can just sit back and enjoy it that's what I would suggest. When I was single I was constantly having the experience of going out with guys and thinking "wow, I thought we were going to the movies and this guy thinks we're picking out china." It's not a good look...

    If you really just aren't connecting that's another matter. Tell her about it and maybe you could be friends.

    P.S. If anyone ever tells you after two months that they expect to be first priority in your life, dump them and change your phone number. They're crazy and probably dangerous.

    Just my opinion...
     
  11. 7889

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    I think that you just never know what is going on in someone else's mind, regardless of behavior. I think anyone would appreciate some sort of real explanation or closure for hook ups and meetings that has reoccurred over a period of time. Since the girl is young it might not hurt for her to hear how you really think and feel.
     
  12. NYCer

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    Thanks everyone. As an update, in response to the girl's texts and questions about whether we were meeting on Wednesday (as originally scheduled), I texted her that I was afraid to make any more plans with her, as she might then cancel them if her friends suddenly made other plans. Then I said that I think we should take a break for awhile and that I need to concentrate on my work and other things, and wished her best in her studies. Later she apologized for being so self-centered and inconsiderate and that she felt sad. In any case, in my mind, I am done with her and do not plan on replying to her texts.

    I think because I kept on telling her that the sex was so good (by far the best I ever had, which is true), she thought that I would just stay with her even if she treated me like that. Even though the sex was amazing, sex isn't everything, and I wasn't willing to give up self-respect for great sex (which did decrease a bit in quality the last few times in any case). Because of the sex and my expressed desire to see her more often, I think she overestimated her value to me.

    I also longed for someone to fulfill me emotionally and intellectually, and I knew I wouldn't get that from her, so it's no loss on my end. Also spending time with her took away time and energy from meeting new people and possibly someone who could fulfill me physically, emotionally and intellectually.
     
    #12 NYCer, Feb 22, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2017
  13. r2de2baca

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    great job! i feel she needed to be dropped too. the way i see it, you MAKE time for what is important to you. i know personally if i met any awesome guy that liked me and wanted to hang out with me, there is no way i would cancel on him last minute to hang out with my friends who i could see anytime. i guess because i know what i want and how hard it is to find a good match. i wouldnt risk it. so someone else should be treating you the same way. you deserve the right to feel special and not like an option. screw her crocodile tears. cancel that (bleep)