So I'm 30 years old, AFAB and about 2 years ago I began questioning if I was gay. One of the things that I struggle with when reading other coming out later in life stories, is that most people recognized they had crushes on the same gender when they were younger, but never acted on it for whatever reason. I can't say I relate to that, I've always had crushes on guys, but in looking back I have noticed that quite a few of the guys I had crushes on later turned out to be gay and I also know I usually took more of an interest in the female characters on Tv shows/movies. There are definitely a few of these interests that I would say could safely be called crushes that I just didn't identify as crushes, because I was never a very sexual person, so my crushes were always just the person I wanted to cuddle with and spend time with. I've questioned if I might not be asexual, however, since recognizing that I am more sexually attracted to women and that has awakened more awareness of my sexual desires, I'd have to say it's probably more likely that I'm demisexual. Even more recently, like in the last month, I've begun to question my gender identity. I basically feel like I'm either agender/non-binary or genderfluid moving between somewhat female and agender. While I can think of many instances growing up where I didn't feel super comfortable being labeled as a girl or being apathetic about gender in general, I've never and still don't feel completely uncomfortable in my gender identity. I still feel I prefer she/her pronouns and don't feel uncomfortable about my name. I have definitely found I prefer to express more masculinely. However, even a year ago when I cut my hair very short for the first time ever, I remember being very adamant that I did not want to look too masculine. So I'm very confused as to why this has changed and how much of it is actually "my" gender identity and how much of it is me wanting to be the people I'm more attracted too...specifically some of my favorite youtubers who are non-binary or more masculine presenting. Anyways, I'm super confused and all I keep finding in terms of locating others who have gone through similar experiences is people who have recognized this differences much earlier in life, but may not have come out about them until later in life. Rather than recognizing late in life as well. Am I going crazy? Where is this all coming from? If I'm not gay or non-binary, why does all of the little changes I'm making to be more like this feel so right? Thanks for any advice or sharing of similar stories!
Hi Music Heals. Like you, I never recognised I had crushes on girls when I was younger. The first one I was aware of was last year at age 48! But looking back now, I realise that I didn't have many crushes on guys (maybe 6 or so in my life) and most of them were quite effeminate-presenting guys. I also had extremely intense friendships with several women and although I wasn't aware of having sexual feelings for them, I felt extremely jealous when they spent time with their boyfriends instead of me. Now that I've realised I have strong romantic and sexual feelings for one particular woman, I'm also having quite a lot of sexual thoughts about other women I've met or seen in the street or celebrities etc. Most of the women I fancy are a bit butch. I've no idea what this all means Maybe I was gay before but didnt realise it? Maybe I always had the potential to be gay but never met the right woman to trigger it before? Maybe I've only just become gay in later life? I honestly dont know but people on this site have advised me that it doesn't really matter. The important thing is what I do now that I know I'm attracted to women.
