For some time I've been trying to sort out the numbness and depression that I'm going through. I'm 44, I've known I was gay since I was 6, my family was hostile beginning at age 12, and I've been completely out of the closet since I was 22. So if being gay is such an integral part of my life that I've outwardly accepted, why am I sad about it? I realized something important about myself - I'm not sad because I'm gay, I'm sad because I'm shut down inside. Because of the extreme homophobia in my family, since the age of 12, I've shut down. I numbed myself, discarded my true feelings, and put my very self on a new course of being "acceptable". I simply discarded what was inside rather than be rejected by my family. Today I'm completely out but I feel numb, depressed, confused about my priorities in life, and generally empty. I am starting to feel pain from decades ago, and sometimes I feel sad for no apparent reason or I cry out of absolutely nowhere. I think something is waking up after a very long time and I'm grieving a loss. I'm shut down, and I just don't feel or I have learned over time to suppress difficult things like like rage, anger, and bitterness. The emptiness and sadness aren't because I'm gay, they're because I'm shut down. Does this make sense? I think I'm rambling; it's been a long day. Is anyone else going through something like an awakening after years of numbness? Thanks, Patrick
This makes absolute sense. While you have come out, you have not been able to fully embrace your sexuality because of shame and internalised homophobia. Have your read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs? It's a good read addressing shame and internalised homophobia. Also, do a search on EC, there are numerous discussions on the topics. You have had a break through with the recognition you made. Now you can work on putting shame and internalised homophobia in their place so you can completely embrace yourself and be authentic!
Thanks for responding, OnTheHighway. Yes, I'm actually reading "The Velvet Rage" right now. I'm still very early in the book but it resonates completely - the suppressed anger, the shame, the splitting etc. The book is helping me understand things that before seemed disconnected. I've also been talking about these things sporadically with a therapist, but the book is really connecting it. Patrick
Here are some posts that might be helpful: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/209529-internalised-homophobia.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/210463-learning-love-yourself.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/190179-pride-event.html
Your post makes perfect sense. You've had some great insights about yourself and your past, and you are well on your way towards healing. There are probably two elements at play here (1) lingering shame and internalized homophobia and (2) unconstructive behavior patterns resulting from being in the closet and hiding yourself (driven by the shame and IH). While these are interrelated, healing the shame and IH doesn't automatically fix all the unconstructive behavior patterns. I had to go through an additional exercise of introspection to identify and repair my unconstructive behavior patterns, such as not being open and vulnerable with others and a casual relationship with the truth. It sounds like shutting down is/was your coping mechanism to deal with your family - a behavior pattern that no longer serves you. I agree that The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs is a great read. It was scary how much I identified with some of the vignettes. Great insights, keep at it!