feeling maybe fat?

Please, please - FORGET THIS JERK. No one should ever treat another person like this. He clearly has his own issues and does not truly deserve you.

Patrick

 

For those struggling to fully accept themselves, get over shame and internalised homophobia, a result could be a negative self image (emotional as well as physical).

The only person that needs to love their body is themselves. To love your body, you need to love yourself.

 

I always like it when someone saves you the trouble of spending time and emotional energy finding out whether they're an asshole or not and instead just flat out tells you that they are in fact an asshole.

He's an asshole, not worth the thought you've already given him.

 

We as gay or bi men are under such body image tyranny from within the community. This is really sad. Often those perfect bodies are a compensation for shame and rejection of sexual self.

I eat well and work out to stave off aging as well as I can, and of course I want to be attractive. But, at 44 I will never look like a 20-something "gym rat" - nor should I. I want to love my body, stay healthy, and be attractive in my own way.

Find what self love and attractiveness are for you individually. Working out and caring for self is awesome, if done in the right context.

Really, I pity that guy at the bar who insulted you - can you imagine the way he must hurt inside to say those things? How sad. Still, you just don't do those things period.

Patrick

 

It sounds like you are in very good shape, so it's BS that you need to apologize for not having the body fat of an elite athlete.

If you are in very good shape and eat healthy on a regular basis, your system can handle a 1-time binge, so love yourself and skip the punitive workout. If you workout to counteract an unhealthy diet, that might be a different story.

If I were you, I would target guys who care more about you as a person rather than some jerk who is looking for ridiculously low body fat.

 

Early, forgive yourself for the burger and hop back on the wagon tomorrow. Just don't let the wagon burn!

Dean

 

I didn't take care of myself in my 20s at all, and boy do I cringe at the sight of those photos! Youth is wasted on the young. I easily look better and I'm more alive today than I was then.

Today in my 40s I like how I look in fitted clothes, I feel confident to date, I get compliments, and I feel okay with myself. There's always that bit that I want to change (belly fat that just won't go away) but i don't think it's eating me up inside. I do have a problem with binging on sugar though, and that's stress/emotional in reaction to everyday stuff not about my sexuality.

What I'm working on lately is accepting my age while at the same time challenging myself to really find out what kind of workout (and life) I'm capable of. I was never good at sports in school so I think this is my way of finding out what that athleticism feels like. It feels really good! I also am very aware of the link between sedentary life and depression so my workouts are also for mental health.

You sound really awesome. You are taking good care of yourself and I don't really get a sense of body dysmor-whatever at all. For the fitness goals you describe I say great.

Gay clubs always intimidate me and I honestly don't find much reason to be there unless I'm going with friends. Have you thought of volunteering, joining a social club, getting active outdoors, etc. to meet gay men outside the bars? My best friends (and a few boyfriends) came my way "in passing" socially.

At any rate, you've got a lot going for you, and it sounds pretty healthy to me.

Patrick

 

To be direct, your post is filled with shame! "I am not really either (kinda out)", guys are "too out for me" and "a bit camp", and "I just wish guys that were straight" are all statemeets reflecting your inability to accept yourself and a deep struggle with homophobia. You say others in clubs are "losers", "poison" and "toxic"; the reality is, with all the hate you just reflected, your statements would suggest your exactly one of the those people.

I know this might sting a bit what I just typed, but you need to face up to your own internal demons, accept this is where you are, so you can then work on yourself properly.

When LGBT communicate such self hatred as you just did in this post, it's an embarressement to the entire LGBT community whom seek acceptance, love and equality.

You have a lot to think about.

 

I understand the focusing in on one body part thing as you are with your stomach--and trying to 'fix it.' And thinking--if only my stomach (or whatever thing it is) was flatter, more toned, more of six pack things would be so much better!

I learned something about this sort of thing and not too long ago. I always struggled with acne. Not severe, but I had cystic acne, so when I did break out it was BIG. Really was a psychological struggle for me. And always trying to cover it up, comparing my skin to others.. Always thinking -- if only my face cleared up things would be fine! I would be so much more confident and happy! That would be all I need to make things right!

Well about two years ago my face cleared up (yes--at this late age!). Cleared up TOTALLY. (Maybe some hormonal shift or something!).

And you know what? My clear complexion didn't become the holy grail or the key to happiness I thought it would be. Far from it. My internal feelings about myself DIDN'T change--I still struggled with confidence issues, the 'not loving myself' feeling. Realized all along it wasn't about the acne at all...not really. Had much more to do with my internal feelings about me. That's what I should have been addressing---and fortunately now I am.


That said, FOR SURE that guy at the club sounds like a complete idiot, and pretty full of himself!!!

 

This guy at least did you one favor. He showed you how much of a jerk he is, so now you can move on and not have to put him in your list of "why the hell did I go there for". He is not a good person because he should no better, which he probably does and he did that anyway. He is a mean individual. Enough about him. Love yourself first and then no one can make you feel like that again. I'm 198 pounds plus 2 more pounds. I desire to loose weight and I'm coming up with a plan that is good for me. In the mean time, I love myself and if another person don't like me, then that is fine because to each their own and I keep it moving. I love sending myself messages on my own cell phone that are positive. I usually forget I left myself the message and when I hear the loving, supportive, uplifting message of love I sent to myself, it makes me smile. So again, love yourself and what others say or do will roll off your back and not affect you at all. Good Luck!!!

 

I have to say I agree with your friends. I think there's reasonable fitness goals and then there are patterns that are just reinforcing problems that are actually mental. I used to work out pretty obsessively and I used to be the first guy to peel his shirt off as he went out onto the dance floor. And it was nice but it was so much work. And for me ironically it really wasn't healthy. And if you feel the need to punish yourself for eating it's not healthy for you either.

It's ridiculous to think that no guy will want you because you have a bit of a gut. The world is full of gay guys with guts and adoring boyfriends. It just is. And from what you've written my guess is you're in a little better shape than I am and I feel totally comfortable in gay clubs. Yeah, there are probably guys whose eyes pass over me for someone who's younger or more muscular but I don't really know, it doesn't really affect me. The fact of the matter is that I have a good time and I meet nice people, fun people, and yeah some of them are hot too. And when it's all done if we want we can go out for burgers...

The world's just bigger than you're allowing it to seem. I hope someday you can see that. I'm rooting for you.

 

And of course the confidence that comes from self acceptance and loving yourself is very attractive. When you are really okay with yourself you'll have ease with others and you'll attract what you want into your life.

Personally I'm seeing the effects of internalized homophobia, shame, and anger in my 40s and working through these. Those bring negative outcomes and tend to close off new possibilities.

Whatever you're thinking or feeling right now is the seed that will grow into reality in the future. Don't let that seed be internalized homophobia or anger.

Patrick

 

As I said, the comments were going to sting. And despite what you think, I was not shaming you for the sake of shaming. I was highlighting the obvious from what everyone read of your comments on this thread and putting it back to you in a way to make sure my points on your shame and homophobia sinks in. Based on your reaction, the objective was met.

You are on here to improve yourself. Doing so means you may not like everything you hear. And when that happens, take a step back, reflect, let it sink in. Then figure out for yourself what you need to do to move on.

 

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/231201-velvet-rage.html

And you are correct, I used the wrong term. I should have said "others" not "everyone".