The first stage was a mental battle... am I gay do I want to accept it.. and many people never get past that stage. I came here questioning - or confessing - June of 2016, I accepted I was gay starting a few months ago - but I found moving into the physical reality was harder than I expected. I was trying to date/flirt online and had been to a few gay bars, but I wasn't really making any progress. Then a few weeks ago, I blurted out to a straight couple I am very good friends with that I was gay. I was planning on it but they were so loving and accepting, that I finally realized that though I wasn't ready to tell the whole world I was gay, after telling them I felt I had fully embraced being gay. Things took a pretty rapid turn for the better. I had been to gay bars before, but this time around I was just more comfortable. I probably just looked really scared. but this time...I ended up flirting and chatting and eventually making out and quickly feeling up each other....he didn't want to hook up but the moment I had a hand on his waist and in other places :***: I felt so confident that I eventually I'm going to be doing a lot more than that....:icon_bigg
Congratulations on this important milestone! It sounds like you are defining the second stage of coming out as coming out to others. It's true that coming out and sharing your secret with others is very liberating and helps make it easier to give yourself permissive to be gay. You may even discover a few more milestones before you are ready for authentic intimacy with another guy. Best, SF
Thanks! Yes, I now realize there are more milestones but now instead of dreading them coming I just want them behind me. But the problem is I don't realize I am still dreading them . I thought once I accepted to myself everything would just fall into place. It is true that it's much easier to live truthfully and in acceptance of my sexuality but there's still work to be done, fears to overcome. I do feel I have completely accepted that I am gay - I can't put it into words but its not a part of me it IS me. - but I do realize I have some barriers to intimacy, but the important thing is I want to feel that intimacy. I now realize I never really wanted to with a woman. I know I will get there with a man. ---------- Post added 24th Feb 2017 at 10:23 PM ---------- But now at least, I realize and accept how badly I need intimacy with another guy.
There's an inflection point where we become sufficiently comfortable with the idea that we are gay and begin to gain confidence in our inner voice such that the rest starts to take of itself. You'll start to find your way and need less support over time as you begin to trust yourself and your inner voice. Some things you might want to consider - potential phases though not an exhaustive list - learning the mechanics of gay sex; learning the emotional aspects of gay sex (dropping your guard can be scary); purging remaining shame and internalized homophobia; fixing unproductive behaviors learned while in the closet; learning to be happy and content, and integrating all of this into a new, authentic self. Welcome to the other side!
This is is the most important thing! I am here.no doubting fighting with myself - though there are lingering unproductive behaviors. but now I am can truly say I am at the point of that feeling "why did i deny this so long!" I do think that I've crossed that inflection point and more and more 'automatic' gay feelings and actions are kicking in. For example the longing for the intimacy you alluded to - not just sexual but physical, romantic, playful, it just burns inside of me and it no longer something I try to hide or deny its something I am trying to fulfill. I can find myself daydreaming about holding hands with a guy and a half hour has gone by - a few months ago I was trying to force myself to look at pictures of 'hot' women and get aroused. I know I am fully gay now and the idea of even trying to do something like that seems so stupid.. but I know there are still unconscious behaviors i have to overcome.
It's so amazing to hug my BF and realize that I'm finally home, no more lies, no more regrets. Looking forward to hearing about your BF. Best, SF
This is so touching to me. I am near all this, but the admittance to others is my big hold up. I have had sexual contact since my divorce, but still not to this "other side".
Hi, it was a big hold up for me too, and I am not fully out - only to some very close friends, but i was even resistant to that -but now that I have done it it feels so good, I am not saying I won't fear further admissions but its my quest now, no longer something I resisting. I don't want read too much into your words but you said "." sexual contact sounds mechanical and clinical, that's what i was resisting - when I accepted that being gay was about intimacy and love, I realized it wasn't just some sexual fetish or sexual fantasy it is who I am.
And, as I read what I wrote, I completely understand your point. What I wrote is not exactly what I wanted to say. I have had sex and intimacy and it is wonderful. Still looking for love. I wish you the best in your search.
You just experienced the cause and effect of making yourself vulnerable! You took a risk, made yourself vulnerable, came out to others, was comfortable with the response and your confidence was boosted as a result. Well done! The more vulnerable you are, the more risks you take, the more you will get comfortable with yourself (whether the vulnerable act results in a positive or negative outcome). Keep it up!
I think this is an important concept. but not just comfortable with the idea but realizing the benefits outweigh the negatives. I could control or suppress or explain away sexual urges, but once I gave myself permission to think about being with a guy romantically, living with a guy, coming home and hugging and kissing my boyfriend... or husband (!)(!) the fears and repression couldn't compete with that potential life.
Thanks ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 10:43 PM ---------- The salient point is that there's a tipping point where critical mass begins to form after coming out [to others]; I was intentionally vague with "sufficiently comfortable" because what constitutes critical mass is different for each person. For me most of my internalized homophobia was purged (still had a few pockets I discovered later) and I was grokking what it meant to be a gay dad. I experienced a second coming out high when this happened and started the process of discovering and reversing the unproductive behavior patterns I learned while in the closet.
I have been feeling this so hard just in the past 24 hours. Now that I've come out to my whole nuclear family, and they have (somewhat surprisingly) accepted me openly, I have now given myself permission to really dig deep into the daydreaming and solo role-playing, to get a sense of what being with a guy would be like. And I gotta say, it is more fulfilling than I ever felt fantasizing about being with a woman.
