As the title suggests, I'm having a spot of trouble accepting sexuality. Perhaps uniquely for this site, it isn't a struggle about being LGBT. No, it's just accepting sexuality, period. Inside me, there are two sides that have been at war with each other for some time. Years, at least. One side accepts that sexuality is part of the human experience. The other side doesn't accept sexuality particularly well. Indeed, the unaccepting side can be quite unaccepting at times, even going as far as viewing sex as "dirty" or "disgusting." These two sides have been at war with each other for years. Probably since my teenage years. One side or the other can achieve dominance for a period. During at least part of my time here on EC, the accepting side had solid dominance. Maybe even one of the stronger dominant periods. But all things pass, and the unacceptance is now in full control. At times, it seems strange to think that only a year ago, I was posting a thread whining about the very real likelihood that I'll still be a virgin when I take up residence in the skull orchard. I also have thought at times that it's too bad conversion therapy weren't an option--although, unusually, it wouldn't be conversion to being straight. It would be conversion to asexual. I wonder where the unaccepting side came from. Part of it, I've speculated, may be that inherited a prudish streak that appears to run on one side of my family. No matter. What matters is that Acceptance and Unacceptance continue the battle, with neither side winning.
Sounds like the battle your having is dealing with shame. Shame is such a proufound emotion. When you use words like sexuality makes you feel "dirty" and "disgusting", those are often tied to feelings of shame. Can you think about and identify what triggers these feelings?
great post! i can totally relate. here is what i know for sure: 1. being a prude is not inherited but prudish value systems and dogma around sex can be passed down during a childs socialization process. 2. the battle between the two worlds (acceptance of sexuality) and seeing it as digusting had to do with how you view your own homosexual orientation. you see it as digusting so keeping this battle going helps you to avoid actually engaging in it and thereby making yourself feel that although you have the thoughts you not completely disgusting because you are not acting on them. 3. avoidance: by not having the sex you dont have to deal with the actualization of your sexuality. 4. fear: what if you dont like it? what if you feel bad afterwards and cant deal with those emotions or heaven forbid what if you do actually like it and go hog wild with it... how would you now be able to see yourself in light of your internal views about sexuality. 5. control: by not engaging in sex you can control this atea of your life that seems out of control. You cant change your orientation but you feel some power and solace on controlling your activities so you do not have to deal with the shame and bad feelings. ways to start to heal: 1. realize that evennin nature animals have sex and have sexual urges and get off. all creatures do. So its not unnatural for you to want to have sex or think of sex or desire a sexual experience. 2. Realize that this phobia did not come from you but likely came from family members own views of sex and what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior. 3. not acting on having sex has not solved anything for you in 46 years.If it had you would not still be wrestling with this. So maybe its time to try something different and give your sexual side a chance to live. 4. You have been programmed to believe sex is bad and most likely that gay sex is even worse. 46 years of the programming isnt going to die overnight. However start small and give yourself little "hall passes" to act on your sexuality. Maybe its just as sinple as allowing yourself to have an internal sexual fantasy and not shaming yourself for it. 5.seek counseling to get over the shame and work through it. Its easy for people to say "you have shame" ok duhhh but how do you get passed this. what tools can you develop to help you. what do you do when you get stuck? how can you force yourself to try new things that seem scary and an afront to the person you know yourself to be?" these are the questions a counselor can assist you with. imagine believing the world was flat for years. Eventually someone took a risk of fallimg over the edge only to find out it wasnt flat at all. There was no edge. It was actually round. I thik its time for you to start a voyage on your own to see what your sexual world really looks like as opposed to believing what others told you it should look like. ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 11:05 AM ---------- thanks again for posting this! i have exact same issue. i often wish i could be like wveryone else that just sees sex as a natural part of life and that it is nothing wrong with it. I do know the longer you hide in a cave, the harder it is for your eyes to focus to sunlight.
As I said, I think a large part of the long term issue is simply the influence of one side of my family. Short term triggers are anyone's guess, although it would be interesting and possibly helpful to try and figure out what causes the Unaccepting side to start dominating. ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 02:07 PM ---------- Thanks! Being gay may or may not be a factor. I am guessing--but only guessing here--that even if I were straight, I'd still have this struggle. Being gay may have some influence, of course, thanks to the "gay is bad!!!!" programming of our society. Intellectually, yes, and that's what the Accepting side would say. But the other side of me has a different view. I brought this up with my therapist, but there was zero real discussion. He asked what problem it was in my current life. Obviously, not a real problem since I'm single and likely to stay that way. Conversation ended. Maybe I'll have to bring that up again...but it seems like every session since before Christmas has been dealing with my struggles of lonely isolation (not thinking dating here--thinking just having basic friends). Very true.
If there is any one piece of advice that every person working to fully accept themselves should be focused on, this is it! Focus on understanding and resolving shame (and corresponding internalized homophobia). It took me a few years after I finally accepted myself to even define what shame meant to me, and understand how it impacted me. But learning to love oneself is predicated on putting shame in its place. And at risk of sounding like a broken record: 1. Vulnerability - a key to rising above shame. Take risks, make yourself vulnerable, and build confidence from both the successes and failures from having taken such risks. 2. Surround yourself with others within the LGBT community in a non scene, non sexual way. Get involved in social groups, athletic organizations, charitable activities, pride parades. The more you surround yourself the more comfortable you can become. 3. Focus on becoming the person you want to be! This is right out of The Velvet Rage. It's a concept that really hit home with me. Define for yourself what type of person you want to be, and consciously make decisions on being that person. Hard work for sure, but it works.
I don't know if this would be helpful, but if I misquote Otto Weininger; "men have a sexuality, women are sexuality itself. men descend to their sexuality, and then once finished, ascend back to their normal place." Yes, that quote can be used for all sorts of hate, but that's not where I am going with it. Where I am going with it, is that men do in fact have this back and forth, or ascension and condescension with sexuality. Some times you are in an intellectual state of mind and from that perch want nothing to do with sexuality, other times you can be horny and willing to play in sexuality. I myself do not like to be caught up in my sexuality all day. I like to read, think, practice ascetic practices sometimes, enjoy my solitude, fix stuff, and not wanting any sexual or sexuality thoughts at all to spoil my time. Other times, I am very sexual. So, I am just that kind of person, on off, on off, coming and going. And that is just fine. I can compartmentalize the whole shebang. I am gay, and I am a man. It doesn't have to be a war, more a natural breathing in and breathing out process. Anyway, I hope you find peace.
