I have been married for over 25 years to a great wife. I have, by most accounts, a very successful life with great kids, business and wife. The problem is that I am attracted to guys. It started very early in my life when an older neighbor boy taught me how to give blow jobs. My curiosity continued through high school with some of my friends as we " experimented". In those days, it would have been unthinkable to actually come out as gay ( and many of my encounters where with older guys which wasn't that much fun). I continued to experiment very discreetly while I dated girls and had some very nice relationships with girls, but never a guy. in the 80's when the AIDS epidemic broke out it was finally the excuse I had to put my gay thoughts aside and focus solely on a hetro relationship. I married a great wife and had kids. When the internet became prevalent it opened up ways to view and interact with other gay and bi people. In the past 15 years I have had only a couple "full blown" encounters ( always safe)which were really enjoyable. Mostly my encounters are a few quickies in parks, etc. The main things I enjoy is watching gay porn which sort of relives my tension although. My sex life with my wife over the years as also become different. It mainly involves us both masturbating. So I am really torn. What does this make me? Straight with a weird bend? Bi? or gay? I don't know what to do.
Welcome to EC. You ask a question that many here in similar circumstances have asked. Let me start by asking one back at you, putting aside porn, excursions in the park, or mutual masterbatuon with your wife, when you are alone and fantasizing, what does your mind fantasize about?
I have a very imaginative mind, but when I am alone I usually fantasize about a very warm and intimate encounter with a guy and I am usually laying on my back as a bottom. Something I have only actually experienced twice in my life.
What you fantasize about is usually a good indication of sexuality; but only you can decide for yourself what your sexuality is. Have you taken the time to visit with a therapist? They can help provide some good direction. That said, given where you are in life, and given the tendencies you have shown and acted on, have you begun to think about how you may want to live your life going forward, the ramifications on your family, and a critical path to getting there? My journey had some similarities to yours (although I did not act upon any of my urges during my 20 years of marriage), I needed to consider my family, my career, my happiness, and with a lot of work and effort, I have gotten to a very comfortable place in life. It was not a straight line, and there was a lot of pain along the way, but I believe the end result for everyone involved will be right in the long run. As you go through your journey, feel free to post questions or just random thoughts. There is a lot of experience on EC that can provide good guidance and assistance.
Thanks On the highway. Your observations are spot on. I have been agonizing over what the future would look like for quite some time and the view is certainly foggy. I am a professional in a small town where everyone knows me so I am deathly afraid of the fallout from family and friends. This is one of the reasons I am glad I found EC to try to help me figure things out. I guess I am not ready to make any leap yet.
You have the advantage of time. Take your time as you consider your path. I am bisexual, and married to a woman. I decided to come out as bi (with her support) even though it didn't involve any change in relationship status. It was to be out and be me, be honest. It's been an amazing life event, with a full spectrum of anxiety, stress, elation, fulfillment, terror, joy, etc. LOL. Not for the timid, that's for sure. I would definitely do it again, though. So that's one possible outcome. There are others. You have the option to keep it inside if you want to, as well. Welcome to EC!
Thanks Adray for your comments. I think time is on my side, but it diffenately doesn't make thing easier. I think my wife may have some suspicions about my feelings. I am worried one day she may just ask me which will be difficult to answer because the follow up question will be about my having had, or wanting sexual relations with other guys. How did you broach that subject with your wife?
My wife has known I'm bi since shortly after we started dating, 17 years ago. I didn't have a lot of experience with guys. I had a crush (romantic) on my lab partner in Physics in college, and I had other attractions. I think her biggest concern has always been that I'd get an urge to "switch" and leave her for a guy. So I guess there was always that concern present on her part. But I have always been monogamous at heart. I'm an introvert, and honestly, even one relationship at times is too much for me. So love for my wife is totally enough for me, even though I'm attracted to men and women, I don't want or need anyone else. Last year, when we were discussing me coming out, we talked a lot. We talked about all the straight couples we've known who've split up and divorced. Literally every band member I've played with over 20 years has been straight and has gotten divorced. We laughed, maybe me being queer is the reason she and I haven't had any problems. For us, my bisexuality was a secret we kept for so long that probably served to bring us closer. So after a lot of talk, we decided to go public with it. I'm bisexual, always have been, and we're still happy and still married. Man, you talk about confusing some straight people! I don't know if that's helpful or not, but that's my experience. I think you are right that the question is bound to come up. While you have time, that's one of the things to think about and be prepared for. Also, if you ever do decide to come out (and you don't have to, that's totally up to you), what I have found is that when I come out, the first ten seconds are about me being bi, and then the focus immediately shifts to the marriage and follow-up questions and concerns. Just something to be ready for. Hopefully some of that is helpful. There are others here on EC who are bi and married and out and doing okay, too. Let me know if there are other questions I can help with, and hopefully others can jump in with their experiences, too.
It might be helpful to ask yourself what outcome you would like. For example, do you want to stay married? Do you want to explore life as a gay man, which may be pretty hard to do where you live and in your circumstances based on what you have described? What would be the financial ramifications of having your marriage end (child support, alimony, division of assets)? How important is it for you to be completely disclosing to your wife (e.g., would you tell her about your same-sex encounters during your marriage)? Do you think you can be satisfied in your marriage with porn as an outlet for your same-sex attractions? The answers to these questions would probably shape the path you decide to take.
I am curious, living it as a professional in a small town, what is the perceived risk to you if the town did find out?
Hi Swede...Welcome to EC I am a middle=aged bi-guy who came out to my wife back in May after getting some great support on this forum. I was terrified to disclose my bisexuality to my wife. We had been married for over 30 years. I was worried she would no longer accept me and we would end up divorced. This didn't happen. My wife is cool with my sexuality, attends pride events with me, encourages me to socialize with gay guys and even is O.K with some M2M sexual exploration. Coming out to her was the best thing I ever did. It turns out that hiding a part of myself (a very important part) from the one I am closest to was really bad for me. It was affecting every part of our relationship and my relationship with others. I was so afraid of being discovered that I could not be vulnerable with her. Even other friends and family I would keep at a distance. I hope you can find a way to talk to your wife and let her know your sexuality. Keep posting with any questions. We are here to help and let you know there are others that have travelled this path. Best.
Thanks to all who have posted with advice. I am so thankful that I found EC because it has shown me that I am not that much different than most of you. We all have our struggles and decisions to make. I though justaguyinsf nailed it when he asked me what is the result I want from the decision to come out or not. That is diffinately going to take some time and contemplation. Thanks again!
Hi swede, I too was terrified to tell my husband of my late-life discovery - but I felt I couldn't not tell him. I'm in my 50s and have a great husband and 2 grown kids. I was afraid of his reaction when I told him how I felt about a woman I met, and then also realizing how I was attracted to women in general. He was stunned,upset, but didn't push me away. He thought it happened because he hasn't paid enough attention to me - but I let me know that after looking back over my life, I realized that this sexual attraction to women was always there -it's just that it exploded when I met someone recently. He understands now that it's not that I was looking for a relationship outside of our marriage, it's that my true inner self finally just exploded out of its repressed box. We still don't know what this means for us, how we will navigate from here, but because we have been through so much together before this we'll figure it out. I'm hoping the same is true for you.
