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How to overcome the fear?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Crepy, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. Crepy

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    Hey all,

    Untill about 3 years ago I was pretty sure that I was straight. However then I found a guy walking on a street hot and I had a masive pnick attack because of it(Feeling my entire was a lie etc.). Ever since that moment I've never felt sure about my orientation and even thinking about posibly being a homosexual gave me a massive amounts of anxiety. So therefor I always assumed them to be false and always tried to push away/ignore any feelings or thoughts that would point in that direction. While that did defanitley help in the anxiety department and I even managed to feel "normal" for little whiles. The homosexual feelings and thoughts would however always linger around and continue to pop up from time to time. Untill I would give in to them again and the whole process of trying to push them away/ignoring them would start over again.

    I am tired of trying to push away/ignore those feelings and thoughts thoug and also feel like I want to find out if there is maybe more to it then just anxiety messing with my head. I recently talked to a psyciatrist about this and he gave me the advise. To instead of trying to fight those feelings and thoughts try and accept them instead and see where that lands me. So that is what I am trying to do now. However it is hard for me as although not as much as three years ago. I do still feel anxiety and fear setting in whenever I think "gay thoughts" or feel atraction towards a male.

    So I guess what I am looking for is any help and/or advice you all have for eventually overcoming these fears(if you can even relate to this).
     
  2. Roxxy45

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    i have been going through this process for many years. I seem to have got over it gradually by accepting the thoughts and feelings for a day and saying yes, today i am gay, and the next day saying today i am straight and seeing how i felt. I realised on the days i allowed myself to be gay i felt a sense of relief and a weight lifted off my shoulders and extremely aroused by just saying it to myself. I still have days when i think i am not gay but realised it wasn't that atall, it was just that naturally we don't feel horny all the time, regardless of sexual orientation.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    I am curious, was your therapists trained in dealing with sexuality? What he suggested makes sense, but coming to terms with ones sexuality is significantly more complicated than simply telling you to try and accept them.

    Any chance you can share more about your background? Where you were raised (are you from The Netherlands), what type of religious background you have, how old are you, what type of prior romantic relationships have you had, what is your relationship with your family like? So much fog can be created from our backgrounds, and part of figuring out whom we are sometimes involves unraveling the history.

    Finally, and more immediate, what type of thoughts do you have when you are fantasizing? Not necessarily what type of porn do you like, but when you are alone, and you are thinking about sex on your own, what usually comes to mind?
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Feb 27, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2017
  4. Crepy

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    Thanks for your advice Roxxy45 Maybe i should try those techniquest too.

    Honestly I have no idea if he was trained in it. However I feel like trying to come to terms with this is better then too just keep struggling with it every month.

    Yes I'm from the Netherlands.

    I am from a catholic religion though I do not feel they are made me feel like being gay is bad. Infact my believe is that god will be accepting of anyone. No matter your religion(or lack thereof) or sexual orientation as long as you are a good person in life.

    I'm 28 now and will be 29 later this year. However according to my psychiatrist. It is very normal for me to go through sexual discovery and that osrt of thing later then your average person on account of having Syndrome of Asperger.

    As for romantic relationships. I have sadly had none yet. So can't really tell much from that.

    My relationship with my family is pretty much normal and they have never really given me the feeling they would be unaccepting of me being gay if I was.

    That's the funny thing. It changes around. Before this all started it was prettymuch about woman. Although it would ussualy be some one else then me having the fun times with woman. Nowadays though. Whenever I try to fight the homosexual thoughts and feelings. I will pretty much want woman and have almost 0 interest in men most of the time. However when I try to be accepting of the thoughts and see myself as gay the attractiontowards men will grow stronger and stronger while my attraction to woman will pretty much dissapear.

    As for what I am thinking about. with woman it will ussualy be about a random guy having sex with a woman and sometimes me having sex with a woman.

    With guys. It's more varied. It will sometimes be about me having sex with the man and other times it's just about me walking hand in hand with a man or having a date with a man.

    Which kinda makes it sound to myself like I might actually be more interested in guys. Yet at the same time I feel frustrated that it just gives me a mountain of anxiety any time I think about it. To the point where I just want to flee away from the thoughts and feelings.and just be heterosexual just so I can at least feel somewhat normal. Instead of anxious all the time.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    Is there a local LGBT center in your community? If not, are you far from Amsterdam? I wonder if going to a few group get togethers at a local venue and actually engaging with other LGBT might be helpful with your overall thought process?
     
  6. Crepy

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    As far as I can find on google. there are no lgbt centers anywhere near me. and Amsterdam is sadly far away for me. So I don't think that's really an option for me at the moment sadly.
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    Well, Imwould suggest you find ways to meet others. Whether through online dating apps (there are some more focused on relationships compared to simply sex), meetup groups (if there are any in your area), or occasional trips to a closer city center that might have more options.

    You do make one interesting comment that stood out to me, "Nowadays though. Whenever I try to fight the homosexual thoughts and feelings. I will pretty much want woman and have almost 0 interest in men most of the time."

    I am curious, Why are you trying to fight those thoughts and feelings?
     
  8. Crepy

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    Hey ontheHighWay, Thanks for all the help and advice.

    I guess I mostly try to fight these feelings out fo fear for panick. and that sounds a little weird. However When I first got these feelings and thoughts. I got so panicked by it. That for 2 and a half years I obsessed over what I was up untill the point where it drove me completly insane. However when I would fight and or ignore the thoughts and panick I felt about it. I would feel normal again. So it felt like the right thing to do. As I would rather feel normal then panicked and like I was going insane.

    That and since I have a fear of uncertainty which is kind of like an form of ocd that people with aspergers have(Bassicaly people with asperger like me. Like to have structure in their life and we don't like being uncertain of something very much) and since I thought It was this fear of uncertainty just messing with my mind. It pretty much seemed logical to fight it and or ignore it. In the hopes that it would eventually just dissapear.

    However since the thoughts and feelings just keep coming back and I have to admit that I sometimes do enjoy the thoughts and feelings. I just want to see where being accepting of this and overcoming the fear for it will lead me to.
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    This certainly is the right attitude and approach! Even in a small town that you are in, hopefully you can find some outlets to help you explore your sexuality and see what works for you.
     
  10. Crepy

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    I'm seriously starting to wonder if this is the case for me. I've been trying to be accepting for a week now. Listening to positive affirmations for accepting you're gay on a dailly basis, let my thoughts and feelings flow freely instead of fighting/ignoring them. Yet my anxiety seems to be growing everyday instead of it going down.

    Last night. Although I'm a good sleeper(I'm gone in 5 minutes top). I was so stressed out. It took me a good hour to fall asleep. That just isn't a thing I wanna repeat on a daily basis.

    Also I'm starting to believe more and more. That it's just my fear of uncertainty messing with my mind again. There are several reasons I believe this to be the case.

    1. The last couple of days and looking back I'm noticing the pattern that I will only find men attractive and woman unattractive when I'm in panickmode.

    2. The few moments where I didn't feel panicked this week despite being accepting of being gay. I would find woman to be the attractive and I want to get with them sex while man did absolutley nothing for me.

    3. Now these two points could also posibly mean that I'm Bi or haven't come to terms with my feelings for men just yet. However I've had something like this before. 6-7 years ago. My big fear was that deep down I was a smoker and back then whenever I flet panicked. I would find woman who were smokers attractive while non smoking woman were completly unattractive. While when I felt calm and without fear I would find non smoking woman attractive and smoking woman unattractive. So my mind is defanitley capable of making me feel like I want something I don't necesarily want in order to test itself and see if I'm truly what I'm afraid of being.

    4. Whenever I fight/ignore the gay thoughts and feelings. I feel calmer, more relaxed. I truly love woman then. I like being around them and even just a good conversation that with a woman I'm attracted to makes me feel so happy, so full of energy so alive. I've never had that with a man. Not even once.
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    It really does seem like you should try and find a therapist that can help specifically with your questions on sexuality. Given the other issues you mentioned, working with someone trained in sexuality might be the best approach. Maybe your stressing yourself out for no reason, maybe there is something more to it.