These past few days I've been feeling like I'm back in the closet again and it feels suffocating, so wrong. This is one of those posts where I start typing and let the thoughts just flow out as they come, I hope it's not too jumbled and makes sense... So I'm away for the weekend for a "holiday" of sorts with soon to be ex and our daughter. But it's more of a trip to sort out paperwork and so on, it was necessary for us to do this trip together as a family. It's been a while since I've been in such close quarters 24/7 with my soon to be ex. Things have not gone smoothly, but we're both trying our best... one thing that has felt particularly challenging is this feeling I always have in his presence, especially walking around in public together as a family, like my identity, my truth has to be squashed deep down inside me. It's painful, suffocating. I found one sanctuary, which has proven to be an amazing outlet, this little gay book shop. It's been very nice to get away in there, even if for just 10 min to feel I can just be gay, openly gay, openly me, visibly and without any sort of pretense or apology. I can't imagine ever being back in the closet, this time away, if nothing else has confirmed how right this path is that I'm taking, towards my truth. I'm so glad to be pushing myself out of this suffocating place I've lived for so long. It may be that this feeling has served as a motivation of sorts, for me to send my family (siblings and parents) a very honest, full, open account of what it was like being in the closet. I sent this off on Sunday, telling them pretty much the whole story, why I'd been in the closet, my path to coming out and my decision to separate from my ex. It was cleansing. And they all responded so supportively. Anyway, I just felt like sharing. Thanks for reading.
Thats not being in the closet Bristajedi. Thats doing what you need to do get your divorce finalized.
I keep reminding myself that I'm out, that I'm on the right path. But it feels so repressive being in this position, even just for a few days. I'm wearing my pride bracelets, and being as much me as I usually am since coming out... I just have to get through this trip. It's nearly over!
Your not feeling repressed because your back in the closet, your feeling repressed because your daughters father has an alpha personality and is very dominant. While you are learning to be yourself, your also learning to recover from living with this type of personality. Being together is reminding you of what that used to be like. your almost there.....
if nothing else has confirmed how right this path is that I'm taking, towards my truth. and there is the value of this experience. confirmation of the rightness of your path. and you are getting the ducks lined up for your divorce, that is invaluable trust me I've just been through it. (*hug*)
It's true, it's a good reminder of why I'm fighting for these changes in my life. (What most of us on here are fighting for!) I need to be me, it's not simply something I want, it's a need. I made it to the bookshop against today... I can't tell you how much happier I feel by the time I walk out of there, I feel like I can breathe. ---------- Post added 28th Feb 2017 at 05:54 PM ---------- :lol: yes! Everyday I really do feel I need to peddle faster, ha. Just a bit further...
Hey Barista. I still look up to you. You've gone through a hell of a lot and made a ton of progress. I don't think you're going back in the closet.
Thanks zenfix (*hug*) well I don't think I could ever voluntarily go back in the closet, it's too painful to me to be closeted. But I do feel like the circumstances in my life keep me partially closeted, and this is one of those times... I can't wait until I'm at a point where I can be me at all times.
Hey Barista, I hear you... I too am kind of back in the closet. Since coming back from overseas really (yet I lived in a very closeted country and South Africa has legal same-sex marriage ... go figure,lol). I have done it for personal and familial reasons... I wish you all the best and all the strength. Be the best you that you can be. That day will come for sure. Hugs.
I think as the weekend is coming to a close, I'm getting a little perspective back, I'm lucky to be able to break out of the closet, it's coming to a close, i'm almost to a point in my life where I can be honest with anyone I choose and where my life can be congruent to my needs and my authentic self. Do you think you have the ability to get to that point in the future too lone wolf? Are you able to change your circumstances so you can be open and true to yourself?
I think that's awesome Baristajedi! I really am glad to read that you're making such good progress on your journey. Nothing is more important than being your authentic self...at least that is what I think... I wish you all the blessings and good vibes life has to offer (*hug*) Sadly I don't think I will reach that in the future... I doubt I will be able to be open. I mean, I came out 12 years ago... dated (only 2 bfs during the 12 years) but the last few years after the second relationship ended, I retreated into the closet again ... and unfortunately won't be able to live my true self. It's complicated and sounds strange but unfortunately those are the lemons I was dealt and ... well... I have tried to live my true self. Many times. At some point I have to accept that it isn't possible. My shyness and introvertness (if that's even a word) prevents me and I have major low self confidence.
