Hide and seek with myself

Well i'm 25 and i just now came to that conclusion myself. Do you know to what exptent you're attracted to women? An easy answer is to just masturbate and fantasize about a woman, or watch lesbian porn and note your feelings about it. Do you check out women when you're out and about? Can you remember when you were younger checking out girls, like middle school age? Middle school age is the normal discovery time. Do you feel a romantic or sexual attraction to women?

I saw the signs at like 11 or 12 in middle school, but instead of working through it i buried it. All my guy crushes were just that - crushes on aesthetically pleasing, efiminate guys that i couldn't picture actually doing anything with. I was so sexually repressed in highschool i may as well have been asexual. I thought that checking out girls was rude and inappropriate so i just didn't let myself do it. Explained it away in my head. I explained away my never dating as being the good daughter focusing on school like her parents wanted her to. So now i feel like i am going through the awkward teenager phase in my twenties.

 

You're not alone. I'm new to this forum, having been struck by a tremendous crush on a woman last month - and I too am in a long marriage and thought of myself as straight, although truth be told, my fantasy life has been all about women, it just never came to the forefront like it did when I was bowled over by my feelings for this woman.

I'm confused as well, but trying to admit to myself what is an underlying truth. Hide and seek is an apt metaphor! Hoping you will find EC to be a place to help you figure things out. Welcome.

 

I'm in the same boat. Married but fighting my feelings for women. I don't think anyone in my immediate life would understand so I keep it to myself. It good to know there is a place like this that we can talk about freely.

 

Hi Justshort, you're certainly not alone. I'm 33 and just coming out of a ten year straight relationship I now don't know how I managed to stay in for so long without realising I'm gay. The power of denial is quite incredible.

This forum has been a great support for me, I hope you find the support you need too.

 

I've been in a heterosexual relationship for 45 years, with two wonderful adult children. I finally recognized/discovered/acknowledged in my late 40s that I was attracted to men also; I'm a Kinsey Scale one or two, but have never acted on that attraction.

I firmly believe that sexual orientation is hard-wired at birth. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like had I made the discovery in my early twenties. At the time I was in a conservative college in homophobic Appalachia, and gay friends were in physical danger. Perhaps that delayed my discovery.

Justshort, you are what you are. Yes, many of us have been through what you're experiencing.

 

Hi Justshort,

Yes, there are so many of us on this same road with you. I separated from my wife in December after coming out to her in June. We have been married for 20 years and have 2 kids.

It was exactly at that point when I came out. I could no longer hide myself and the pain of hiding was killing me. I understand where you're at very well. This was my coming out post if it helps you any: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/219546-coming-out-47-a.html

Please keep reading and posting here on EC. This journey takes time.

Take care. ride:

 

Hi, I came out of a 8 year straight relationship 18 months ago and although once was in a lesbian relationship for 4 years I have also struggled with the fantasy life on being with women. I went back in closet so to speak and so my family think I was just going through a stage in my life. I more than ever want to meet a woman but in my life I don't happen to come across many single gay women so instead at this current time I live a very lonely life. Not that I don't have friends but I just feel incredibly alone. I know your pain and you are not alone believe me.

 

Justshort, I know how you feel. I have been married for almost 20 years and have come to accept lately that I am attracted to men also. I am also a cross dresser and really want to be able to live as I want and wear what I want. It seems lately though that I think about it more and more. I have been denying this side of me for so long, now it seems like I can no longer deny it and have to face it and see what comes of it.

 

While I'm still strugling myself with something like this and have for years. One tip I can defanitley give you that has helped me alot . Is to not fight this. Don't struglle against it, don't baltantly ignore it hoping it will go away, Don't deny it and don't try ot figure it out to fast.

I used to be deadly afraid of these kind of thoughts and feelings untill very recently. When I would allow meyself to be pre occupied by this for entire days on a daily basis it would stress me out up untill the point where I could barely get to sleep.

However now that I trottle myself not allowing myseelf to get obsessed with it and be busy with it the entire day. Coupled with accepting my thoughts and/or feelings instead of being afraid of them. Has defanitley brought my fear levels down. They haven't disenpated completly. But I'm sure it will in time and it can defanitley notice that I have a much clearer view on everything this way.

So I hope that sharing my experiences with this can help you work through it a bit better aswell.