I've pretty much gotten to a point where I think I've identified and conquered the major fears that keep me from moving forward. Except for one thing, and now I know it's time I take that step - it's time we tell our daughter about the separation. We planned to do it early Jan, and here we are in March still looking for the courage to talk to her. I don't think we can move things forward one more inch until we have that conversion. Wish me courage guys. I'm not feeling scared at the moment, but im feeling overhelming emotion, im just sitting here with tears rolling down my face. It's just a release of feelings, intense feelings. There's probably good feelings mixed in there...relief? I just know this needs to. be done. I think I've unconsciously slowed down my progress a little bit to give myself time to build courage for this step. ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 12:02 AM ---------- This was *the* biggest fear all along, wasn't it? If you look back at all my early posts, i knew this day would eventually come and it paralysed me sometimes. It's time.
Kids are resilient, so your daughter will probably have an easier time with this than you (*hug*) Announcing the restructuring of the family is always scary, but you'll get through it. Have you come out to your daughter? If not you should figure out when you'll do that because that's probably the next scary thing, so why not get in front of it? I'd suggest working with a therapist to help craft the message about the separation and to provide guidance on when to come out to your daughter, ideally a therapist with experience with family therapy and LGBT issues. Make sure that you and the STBX agree on the message so you present a united front.
I haven't kept up on all your posts Barista and didn't realize that you hadn't gone through this piece already. But you've made such huge strides in your journey that I know you'll be ok. Your daughter will too. I am sorry for the fear and hurt you feel. I'll be thinking of you as you go through this, praying for peace and strength for ya.
this was my biggest fear before my separation and divorce what about ____ how will this affect him. i can tell you based on conversations that i've had with him, kids are aware when things are bad in a house. he knew when we were fighting even if there was no yelling in fact he started to try to take on the roll of referee/mediator and that's not the roll for a kid. he started that really young too. your daughter is young so you can take the time to teach her about families like the one you and her will have. and your ex needs to get on board with parenting together and living apart. while you both build new lives, you both need to be there for her. (just giving some of my POV on this as i've been there/done that. not criticizing you in any way.) if it helps have a look at the top 2 lines on my sig line. (*hug*)
I have nothing to add to the above posts other than to express how aparent the bond is between you and your daughter. That bond is everlasting.
Thanks everyone for your encouragement. (&&&). Just a general update first... so yesterday I talked to my ex and made it clear that I think we *need* to talk to our daughter this weekend. The bad that came out of that: we went off into other thoughts from there and ended up having a horrendous argument, our daughter witnessed a lot of it. The whole day was quite horrendous honestly. The good: We came to some sort understanding that we'd talk things out after she's in bed last night then get up and have the talk today. We planned a specific time to do it so that we wouldn't lose track. We also came to agreement on a few other things, so all of that is progress. ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2017 at 12:20 AM ---------- Thanks SF, I keep telling myself the same; that she will adjust, we'll all be happier in the end, and that's we'll be sure she's ok no matter what our family structure. We've actually worked with a therapist to craft the message to her and to sort out a lot of things regarding how our separation impacts her. We just put off the conversation itself. But because if talking that stuff out earluer we feel fairly in agreement on the approach to the conversation. I thinking we'll be able to at least present a united front for this. But I was a startibg to doubt that we'd be able to do this as a team when we were talking but things out yesterday. About coming out to my daughter, I'm less nervous about that. I've been laying the groundwork for this for a while.... I'm going to add more about coming put, just want to quickly post this snd come right back
SF - so my ex and i do not agree on the message about me being gay, and unfortunately I'm just going to have to do what's right even though we don't agree. He does not want her to even know I'm gay until some point far in the future like as a teenager I think or preteen. As she is now 4, that just makes absolutely no sense. I told him that we will come to an agreement about how we introduce partners to our daughter; I suggested a timeline and approach I felt comfortable with and he seemed to get what I was saying. So there's hope that we will work through that. But I am not willing to lie or hide myself from my daughter. I've already started working on this with her. I have been talking with her about different family structures; two moms, two dads, one parent, two parents living separately etc. I play music sometimes and she asks me what's so and so talking about. I tell her he is talking about how much he loves this man, that he wants to be with his boyfriend, or something to that effect. I try to drop those things casually into conversation, that women love women and men love men. I also have showed her my pride flag and told her what it means - I said that it's meant to symbolise that anyone can love anyone, men can love men, women/women etc. I've taken her to one LGBT event and plan to take her to more. I also explained that mommy goes to the LGBT centre after work and that the LGBT centre is a place where I made all of the friends she knows. So I'm trying to make all of this just feel quite normal to her. Soon, once we've been in our separate flats for perhaps a couple of months, I want to tell her that mommy loves women, I know I can come up with a way to have that conversation. But I also think for her it's quite easy to accept, I don't have to have a lot of extended conversations... she's young enough that it seems like nornalising it is still pretty easy. I plan to introduce her to my future partner just as I would if it were a guy. This is my approach at this point...do you have any thoughts/insight about it? I'd love to hear your insight on a good approach for these conversations with a young child. ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2017 at 12:51 AM ---------- Thanks zen fix, we should have gotten past this point a while ago. I'm less afraid at this point about the impact of the separation itself, and also i believe the conversation can go well and if we do it right she will avcept it fairly well. I'm just desperately worried about how to handle it well. I'm feeling ready though, i feel a resolve in this and i know that will help. ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2017 at 01:01 AM ---------- This all sounds so familiar. Our daughter feels the tension, she is so aware of all of this. That convinces me even more that this is absolutely the right decision. I want a better model for her, a better environment. One of my fears about the conversation is that my ex and i will suck at the team aspect of it, that we won't show a united front. It's such a challenge being any sort of team with my ex. I can't even get him to speak eith me half of the time. The part I'm less worried about is dealing with my ex as a co parent. He is an amazing dad, he's willing and dedicated to putting in the time and effort as an involved dad. He's amazing with her, patient loving affectionate. He wants equal me and responsibility. So there's hope for making things work.... he does very much care about being a good parent, we can try to connect on that common goal and just keep trying to work together. ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2017 at 01:03 AM ---------- *equal time ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2017 at 01:05 AM ---------- Thanks OTH, this makes me feel very comforted to hear.
Well...we did it. We told her everything that we needed to and she seemed completely fine. We gave her lots of cuddles, told her how much we love her, and explained the changes that would be happening. She said "ok, let's go play". What I take that to mean is we have to maintain an open dialogue as it all starts sinking in; expect questions. It's definitely going to come down to more than this one conversation. But now I feel like we can really move forward.
Congratulations (&&&) Studies show that younger children handle separation/divorce better than older children, so it's better that you are separating now. Ultimately it's your decision and not your STBX's. Personally I'm an advocate for coming out sooner rather than later, because once somebody starts procrastinating about coming out to their children, it becomes a vicious cycle. You'll probably want to do some research regarding the ideal time to come out to young children. For me the harder part of coming out was explaining what it meant to be gay, so it's great that you have that groundwork laid out. I expect that your coming out conversation will be relatively straightforward since (1) the separation talk will be behind you and (2) you've established a positive foundation of what it means to be LGBT. So the basic form of the conversation will be "Remember when mommy said that girls can marry girls, mommy is going to marry a girl" - putting this in your own words of course. As for introducing romantic partners, be sure to speak with your lawyer and understand any requirements from the legal perspective.
wow you are doing fantastic. one relevant point from my situation is that my son was kind of put out that i didnt come out to him sooner. but he was a teen so i bit different. if you wait a your ex says she will probably feel similar to how my son felt.
