A few weeks on

I have never been someone that has been great at putting anything into words. I have always been better at talking face to face. But the feelings and confusion that I have experienced over the last year have not been something that I have been able to discuss with anyone... until I joined this site a few weeks ago. And WOW, I feel loads better for talking to some of the members on here and reading about their experiences and feelings! I wish I had found the courage earlier to explore online to find help, and at times in the last year I certainly needed that! I am a Mum of 4 boys. All grown now, the youngest 17. I have been single for many years and had resigned myself to being single for good! Men always bought drama into my life and to sum it up I couldn't be arsed with a new relationship. I was never fully happy in the relationships I had, it always felt like something was missing. Then... last Summer I realised that the feelings I had for a close family friend were more than just feelings. One evening at a barbeque, this lady was there... me and her, after several bottles of wine, a good heart to heart about the world and his wife... (bearing in mind I hadn't drunk for years) was when my life changed for ever. I was very drunk and we were talking about relationships. This woman asked if I was attracted to anyone at the moment and I answered yes... you! She looked very surprised and she said "really"???? I said I was very sure, she asked for how long? I realised that I had liked her since we first met... 3 years previously. I told her this! She didn't move. She is a little older than me. Sensible, mature lady... woman of the world you could say. She made it very clear that she did not like me that way. It wasn't till the next day, after I had sobered up that it hit me what I had said! It felt so natural to tell her, I still can't work out where it came from! I then felt like a teenager again that had been rejected. I was gutted! I knew there was no hope of anything happening between us but so I felt awful. The weird thing was, that if I hadn't had the alcohol I may not have ever said anything... why did I feel so bad? After a few words I felt so sad! If the words had not come out of my mouth, would I be sitting here writing this??? The only thing I am sure of is that they were true. It wasn't until months later that I realised that it wasn't just the rejection that upset me so badly, I realised that I had actually fallen in love with this woman and that I can honestly say that it was the first time I had ever felt like that about anyone in my entire life. I think I have loved in the past but never actually fallen in love. The months that followed were a nightmare. I thought the menopause had kicked in, but looking back it wasn't that, I was simply love sick. We are still in touch. Because of family ties we always will be. I still have very strong feelings for her and it is going to be very strange when we are next in each others company. Because of where my family live I don't get the chance to visit as much as I would like. The distance between us has really helped as I think if I did see them often and we did have family gatherings, this woman would be there... I would not cope. The events of that day when I told her my feelings turned a switch on in me! Literally like flipping a switch and I changed forever. I have over the last year gone over so many things in my head... relived old relationships and how they ended. Feelings, the way I feel about everything has been turned upside down! I feel very lost. I am not sure where I am going from here, what I will do next or what I really want. I do know that the thought of being on my own now has changed. For the first time in my adult life I know that I do want more than just a future alone. This site has enable me to feel that I can make this entry... until now I have commented on other peoples posts but today I feel that I can make one of my own. I have joined some of the social groups on MEETUPS, a site recommended to me by another member on here. I have messaged one of the group leaders and got a lovely warm email back about going along to one of their events to meet other ladies like me in similar situations. I haven't arranged a MEETUP yet, but I think I will soon. Next Friday I will be confiding in a friend. I feel like if I leave it any longer my head is going to implode! I am lucky to have some really good long term friends. It has taken months for me to get to this stage. To decide which of my friends will be the one I confide in. I am just going to talk to one of them at the moment. I am scared once I say this out loud to someone else that another bloody switch is going to flip!!!! Unsure about all of it. Only sure that this is me now, no going back. Excited, scared, apprehensive, unsure... but at the same time I feel like I have some extra inner power that I like and am looking forward to exploring. I have rambled in this post, I literally let my fingers run with this entry. It has been about my 4th attempt at writing something... I keep deleting and putting off. I feel now that I can honestly say I am a lesbian. I now need to see where my new path takes me. If anyone on here has been where I am now I would love to hear from you and how you have coped or are coping.

 

Bluenote x I know what you mean about the texts, I kept a thread of hers for months on messenger. She was really understanding and we would message often. For me I just loved the contact but for her she wanted to try and figure out why I had these feelings for her? What she had done to encourage them? I did say something else to her at one point and she made the decision that we would not message, only when we had to, and that destroyed me again. One night I deleted the message thread. My phone is password protected but a massive fear I had was that if someone was to accidently see the messages it would be so awkward for a lot of people. I felt so sad that the messages were not there to read when I needed to. I felt so guilty that I had given her this thing to think about... she has a lot of responsibilities in her direct family group. Such a remarkable, strong, kind, caring woman. I felt that I gave her something else to carry around in her head. She said from the start that these things happen... that we are not able to choose our feelings and who we fall for. Regardless of gender. That helped me so much and the messages we shared helped me cope with the fact that the only person I ever honestly think I loved was the furthest away from me with no possible chance of anything happening. I was also sick to the stomach that I could have lost a friendship that meant so much. I then just sulked... I am not sure how to explain this feeling of loss. I hadn't really lost anything as I hadn't had her to start with! That was last Summer, August. I lost my appetite. Which wasn't a bad thing as I had put on so much weight over the last 10 years. I really had let myself go! Content with being on my own and bringing up children. I never really had much interest in going out... my friend group would constantly drag me out for a meal or a drink. Then I decided that if I had no appetite it was time to go on a diet. I did just that. 7 months later I am nearly 5 stone lighter. I have a job I love as well as having other work I do around the day job... I just keep busy. I am beginning to feel that a new person has been born. Maybe it's the old me before relationships started and children came along... I seriously do not know what transformation has taken place in my mind and body but it's happened. I now find I need to be out. I make sure I go out at least once a week and keep upto date with friends. Now I seem to be the one that doesn't want to go home... my friends, some younger than me seem to act older. I seem to be going back in years... they keep asking 'what is wrong with you' you have too much energy. That I know is down the weight loss, but also this new feeling I have inside that I want to explore the new me. I just want to be in the right place at the right time for someone to get this new vibe I think I am throwing out and for them to make the first move! I am rambling again. This site has also changed how I express myself and along with everything else this helps so much... just to be able to get all of these words out of my head! Bluenote, I have messaged one of the groups on MEETUP and broken the ice by talking to the organiser. It isn't the nearest group to me.. it's about an hours drive. I can not face going to one local and seeing someone I know. I am hoping on Friday when... or I should say if I manage to confide in my friend the next thing I will ask her is if she would come with me. I know this is going to be such a big ask but I think going alone will be so hard. The lady from the group was so nice. She said a lot of the events are arranged that for new guests if you let the organiser know then they will 'meet and greet' you. Discreetly. She also said that the position I am In now, she was in 4 years ago. Just join some groups and keep an eye on the events that are hosted. I am not brave at all. I am normally quite a strong person but even that has taken a knock. I even got a new email so I can log on here. Scared stiff someone will discover what is going on with me. I have a little laptop that I have changed the password on and sit in bed typing away my little entries on here. Like a naughty school girl with a secret penpal. I am 52 years old and doing this... I do feel the same as you. Younger and braver would be good. But as this woman said to me before over another conversation, before I told her my feelings towards her. Wishes don't ever happen. If you want something you have to make it work... make it happen. We can stay as we are and put up with what we have or we take steps forward to get what we want. Until this happened to me I was going to stay put and be happy with what I have. Not feeling that way now. Although my steps forward are going to be tiny as I am terrified. If I meet someone and want to make a go of it, that means coming out. Then I think to myself if I fall for someone again like I fell for her I will gladly come out and let them all have their own thoughts and say what they like. At the end of the day it's who you have at home and who you go home to spend your life with. You need to be happy. That said, i'm still no nearer to actually walking thought the MEETUPs door lol xx

 

Peterpangirl. All my life I have been waiting for that moment when I fell in love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone. All my friends seemed to do this with no problem. Looking back (and I am doing that more and more) I was always the one going to the party on my own... different boyfriend every month. If a boyfriend annoyed me I would dump them, never a 2nd thought. I used to think then I was heartless, cruel, uncaring. I thought I just hadn't met MR RIGHT! I didn't want to waste spending time with someone I really didn't care about.

I did try with the fathers of my boys... yes different dads. The first partner was a mutual decision to split. Just didn't get on. The 2nd as you said in your post, I too felt like I wasn't really a part of it. Just going through the motions, doing what was expected. Never making love... sex for the sake of sex. To satisfy, and most of the time it was never that good. Not really satisfying at all. I have always been independent and quite strong so I ended that relationship. I just could not stay in a relationship that made me miserable.

The first time I met this woman I felt something. I couldn't stop looking at her. Thinking about her. I was besotted. It got to the point when I visited my family I was more excited about seeing her. Still at this point it hadn't yet hit me why! Every opportunity to be in her company I snapped it up.

The last visit was a family party. It started in the afternoon and was destined to go on quite late. We were the older people at this gathering so sat together. Sounds weird putting it that way, but there was a BBQ and the younger adults were in the garden with all the kids and noise. We had been having a chat most of the afternoon about some family stuff and we had drunk quite a few bottles of wine. I hadn't drunk for ages and it totally made the conversation flow very openly. We sat leaning on each other, chatting and laughing and having such a good time. She smelt so good, I was literally breathing her in! I knew then that I would do anything for this woman. I had never wanted ANYONE as much as I wanted her right then. We had been chatting about relationships... she asked if I was attracted to anyone at the moment? Before I could stop myself I told her I was, and it was her. It was out!!!

I think about her all the time. Everyday. I hovver over her facebook pic in my contacts list and just look at her everyday. I feel like a stalker. I am sure if she knew I did that she would be horrified. Actually typing it now makes me think WTF am I thinking.

That was last Year, I still have the knotted feeling in my stomach when I think about her. I too fantasise about what it would be like to be with her. To please her, to look after her and to be a part of her life. To make her soup if she was ill. That will never happen and it hurts so much.

Just like Bluenote... my viewing activity added some new items. I binge watched everything I could find that had a lesbian content. Non stop L Word. Carol, the worst low budget films on amazon and yes. I found them all fascinating and not at all awkward or uncomfortable but very warm and natural and very arousing. I also feel that
my libido has gone through the roof. It's as though a new me has awakened. That this woman finally woke something in me that no man ever had! I don't honestly think any man could have. I have never felt as turned on as I did sitting next to her that night. I was hers. If it had been the other way round and she had told me she was attracted to me I would be with her now. I would have come out big time... told the world. No man has ever made me feel that way, and that is why I think, in fact I know that I would never want to be with a man again! To be honest, I couldn't even imagine having sex with a man ever again.

I will be really honest now and say that if I was in a position to be with a woman I would grab it. I know that sounds very casual but I am longing to know what that closeness feels like. I can't see that happening just yet though... the nearest I have got to meeting any like thinking people like me is on here. I have joined MEETUPS but not actually gone to any meetings yet. The strong, independent person is still hiding at the moment, trying to work this all out. And I thank you all for reading this post and answering so honestly. It is helping me so much and I hope it's helping you guys too x

Lifestruggles: Do you feel like sharing... if not that's ok. I know that I have been sleeping better for writing this all down. I can't understand how it's helping but it is x Maybe putting some of the stuff buzzing around in your head will help you x

 

You are both right... I shouldn't look but I can't help being drawn to her photo. Today after many months she commented on one of these silly joke pictures that I randomly shared on facebook. I actually felt quite excited that she had commented. I know that is beyond sad!

She isn't on facebook that much but when she was on there before my 'lightbulb night' we would often comment on each others posts about random things. Not so much in the last year though. I know she doesn't want to encourage anything from me and I totally respect and understand that. She may now think that i'm over my moment of liking her and wants to get back to how it was before. As I said before, there is going to be a time we do see each other again, family ties won't give either of us the option not too. That part of my family live abroad, it's quite an expensive trip that only happens once a year if i'm able to save enough for the flight. This year it may not happen.

I did have a massive text thread that I did delete some months back. After I had told her my feelings. Deleting it was really hard. My head told me that it had to be done but my heart was gutted that I couldn't read back through her understanding words. I am no where near as bad as I was and you are both right, you do seem to be able to cope more as time goes on. And I know I keep saying it but over the last few weeks after chatting on here to you all, it has helped so much.

Peterpangirl. I don't think I have ever felt emotionally connected to any man. I do think I have loved the partners I have had. But now, looking back I have never been 'in love' with them. Having children with someone is a magical experience for any couple to share and I loved it, but for feeling that I wanted to be with them forever, I don't think that was ever there for me. I never imagined growing old with either of them.

I don't think I was ever the one to initiate sex. I am sure I must have on some occasions, but not that I can bring to mind. I put that down to the fact that kids kept me busy, I had 4 young ones and I child minded my friends little one too. My partner had a strong sex drive and would have had sex every night if it was offered. I actually remember many a night going to bed first and pretending to be asleep.

I never felt that I had to have sex, never pressured, never felt it was wrong or didn't like it. It just felt a bit like another chore. I was never totally satisfied... never wanted more. Never, ever as excited and turned on as I felt sitting next to her that night. I remember once I was sitting on a sofa with some other people. She came and sat down next to me and had to wriggle to fit in between us. I felt something then! Other times she would just smile at me. Just a smile, but it had the nerve endings in my stomach tingling.

Peterpangirl, I think if a man had made me feel like that... made me feel the excitement and longing that I felt, and if I am being honest still think I feel for her, then I would not be on here now typing this.

And after typing this I notice that my description of something that should have been loving, sharing moments between my partner and I, have been described as having SEX. Yes, I do think just the same as you... that if something had happened between me and her it would have been making love and I think I could have given all of myself, lumps bumps and all and would not have felt shy in any way!