I've been at this questioning thing for over a year now, and at the moment I'm back to being confused. I don't think I'd be as confused if I wasn't already in a relationship, and I don't really know what to do about my relationship (with opposite-sex partner). In part I'm worried about the practical side of things, but also, as I've been with my partner most of my adult life, I find it hard to envision a different reality. Part of me feels that I should give it another go, and put a real effort into trying to enjoy sex. On the other hand, I don't want to. To be honest, if I put an effort into sex with my partner, and did enjoy it, then that would be even more confusing because it wouldn't change the fact that I enjoy fantasizing about women. I do worry that it's just that I'm bored with my current relationship, and that being with a woman feels more exciting by comparison. If anyone can suggest any questions I could ask myself to help sort my thoughts on this out, I'd be very grateful!
Hi lostindaydreams, For me, there were a million questions I asked myself to better understand my sexuality and my needs. But in the end it came down to two things: First, ask yourself about the extent for your desire to be with a woman. Is it excitement or is it deeper? I know for me, the longing I had for a woman was painful, there was grief and mourning in the thought that I maybe couldn't have that in my life. From this I realised it is a need, not simply a want or a curiosity. That being with a woman is necessary to my well being. That first observation allowed me to see that no matter what I decided to do with my marriage, I needed to have a female partner, so that left me with the choice of open marriage or separation. Secondly, ask yourself what do you want from a woman? For me sex is certainly a huge part, desire, intimacy, romance. That physical aspect is a need. But I also longed for a deep emotional bond, and even the most mundane things that come with a relationship. I fantasised about going to the grocery shop with a woman, coming home from a hard day at work etc. This helped me realise it was more than a sexual experience I need, I need a relationship with a woman; particularly the mundane fantasies showed me that I need to build a life with a woman. I want a wife. That helped me understand separation was the truer path for me; that marriage with a man was completely incompatible with the life I need. This is just my personal experience, I'm sure you'll find your own interpretation of your feelings. I hope this helps a bit.
baristajedi has some great thoughts on this. I find that my desire to be with other men is exciting in some measure because it is different and when I meet someone new, it is, well, new! I am also looking for a lot more than sex, and try not to confuse that with any romantic ideal. Does your partner know of your attraction to women? If so, does he recognize and support your feelings? I think that you are allowed to fantasize about whomever you like, and if you feel guilty doing so, then maybe a good therapist might be able to assist in finding a solution.
For me, the biggest hurdle to figuring things out had been allowing myself to check out the same sex. For so long, I just followed along the hetero trail because I just figured it's what I was "supposed to do". There were definitely times tho that pure attraction just could not be denied. Falling for a male friend at 16, at 18-19 I was infatuated with Brad Pitt and Gavin Rossdale, and a few other obvious attractions since then. But trying to always be the nice, normal straight guy, I pushed it all aside out of fear how people would judge me. Funny thing now, I can look back and rattle off so many clear signs that I'm gay. And I've definitely taken notice to the fact that a hot guy can make me feel all those "warm and fuzzy" feelings that i have never seemed to truly feel for a woman. I think you just have to try and look deep inside and ask yourself what gender do you truly feel you would be happier with.
What's wrong with fantasizing about having sex with a woman while your male partner is having sex with you? You seem to think that it's wrong. My wife does it a lot. We don't see it as a problem at all. Maybe after you've fantasized about women for a few days you'll have a guy pop into the fantasy for a night of fun, too. Who knows. My wife likes women a lot more than she likes men, but she still likes men a lot. Her fantasies, and in her case her reality, ranges all over the place. We have fun. We are still together. She has been out as bisexual for a long time. She says don't let the straight jacket of thinking you must be straight or lesbian take away part of you. Enjoy it all. Be well.
