Holding pattern

I really get this: the feeling of not being able to bury it on one hand and the fear of what trying to live it out would actually mean. It is all consuming and paralysing. Frankly it is hell. It can turn a normally decisive woman into a wreck. The only way I could see is an open marriage. It works for some, though I couldn't do it personally.

 

Have you spoken to anyone at all yet about how you are feeling. I have a friend who knew I was feeling down about something. I told her I thought I was going through the change. I used that as an excuse to excuse myself a few times when I needed space!

The other night I had been out to a comedy club with some people from work... they went off home at 10.30pm but I wasn't ready for bed. I text her to see if she was still up, knowing she liked a beer. I was going to confide in her then, but she was in bed... I went home.

A few texts later she realised I was on a low. She said for me to go round to hers to talk even though it was really late by this time. To cut this short, she knows something is up... I have said we will go out Friday and I will tell her what has been going on in my head. I told her that I promise to tell everything and that I think it is something I must do or I am going to explode! I have also told her to make me talk... she is worried about me now, she has known me for 30 years and she can tell I have something going on. I can just see me sitting there clamming up. I have decided I am going to tell her everything.

I so feel for you, it is a lot easier for me as I am not with anyone and just have my thoughts to myself. Is there a friend you can speak to? I am apprehensive on telling my friend about any of it but I am hoping for some sort of relief once I say this all out loud. Do you mind me asking but do you think you still love your H enough to stay in a relationship with him. A relationship that is obviously making you both incredibly unhappy.

Sometimes you have to make the really hard decision to let go. You have been so honest with him by admitting your true feelings. It could have been that you were seeing someone else and not saying anything. Does he want to stay in the marriage, even though he knows now that he wouldn't be the one to make you happy? You said he didn't deserve this... did you. No one chooses how they feel, no one chooses who they fall in love with... not wanting to hurt him isn't enough of a reason to stay together. Even having children and staying together for their sakes isn't enough because you would be living a lie and that will eat away at you.

You deserve the chance to be happy. You will not find that in a relationship that isn't working. Even if he is the nicest bloke on the earth, if it's not what you want. Would he be up for a trial separation. How old are your children? Oh I am asking so many questions and of course you don't have to answer. xXx

 

I thought exactly the same as you... what a shame we can't hang out. Just sit and have a coffee and a long chat. You and Peterpangirl's conversations are keeping me sane at the moment. I have surprised myself at some of the stuff I have shared with you. I know it's anonymous but these messages are keeping me going. I need to get these thoughts out of my head to allow me to deal with the day to day things, as this is more consuming than anything I have ever had to deal with. Writing them here and sharing my thoughts and reading yours is doing just that.

I am also realising that my opinions on lots of things are changing. I would have once said that if you were in a relationship then you should be faithful. Now I would say that in some cases like yours Bluenote, perhaps a 'fling' may help you decide how you want to move forward in your life. Some of the women on this site have said that their husbands have allowed them to explore their desires. To meet women and see if that is what they truly want. It seems most of us know we are now lesbians but apart from the feelings we have had towards another woman... one particular woman that started the chain of events in us, we haven't actually done anything physical with one. I will be honest and say that with my friend I was drunk, very drunk, as was she, but I knew what I was saying. I did get a little over friendly, I can't explain more than that at the moment but I know from what I did I am definitely not going to be in a sexual relationship with a man again. If I was married now or living with someone I don't think I would be able to stay with them. I saw a film recently called 'Rebecca' It was about a woman that wasn't overly happy in her marriage. She had some lesbians friends that suggested she try sleeping with a woman. They said That she needed a woman.

The film started off cheesy, Rebecca found her self a classy prostitute and eventually after a lot of fumbled miss starts had an affair with her. It was actually quite a lovely story and the 2 women fell in love. It's a shame we can't do something like that. Anonymous toe dipping.to see if what we think is going to be so fantastic actually is. If that is the sort of love we need. See??? This is what I mean by I am surprising myself at what I type? Where is this coming from. I feel like i'm in some sort of fantasy world at the moment. One of which I am so excited at being in and at the same time being totally shit scared too! Some of the time I feel like I have this new super power and the next I hit a real low as I try to imagine what will I do next?? My hormones are raging... I am a complete mess and wish I had the guts to explore more but am terrified of it all going tits up and not being able to go back. If I was a teenager I would probably go out clubbing and get laid!! I often wonder if I did sleep with someone would that help with the feelings I still have for my friend... perhaps I need to 'sow some wild oats'! What on earth did any of us do to deserve this to happen to us now. I am 52 years old. 4 grown children. My oldest son is 33 this year, my youngest 17. I have 2 grandchildren.

I keep going over scenarios in my head of how I am going to tell them. Then I think to myself, no ones ever has to know... but for the first time in my life I really want to be happy and I think that at some point I will want to explore and if I was to meet someone and have the chance of being really happy then they are going to have to know. Life is too short xxx

---------- Post added 8th Mar 2017 at 12:45 AM ----------

Lavender Visions - has some good advice for people married or in relationships that are questioning their sexuality. Same name on there for me. It was one of you that told me about that, apologies for not remembering who xxxx

 

The circling the airport holding pattern is one of the worst places to be. Unable to land anywhere and just hoping somehow the runway will miraculously clear and we can land SOMEWHERE. I get it, I recently spent some time in a holding pattern of my own regarding a relationship, not feeling good about staying in the relationship, but not feeling good about getting out either. Wanting both to be in it and needing to be out of it at the same time. Totally paralyzing.

You are in a very tough spot. And your husband is understandably scared of what this all means. It sounds like he loves you a lot. And certainly you are right, he hasn't done anything wrong. He wasn't expecting this at all. But you haven't done anything wrong either, and I am sure you weren't expecting any of this either. As I read your post I was thinking of some questions you could ask yourself that may help you get some clarity.

--What if the situation was reversed? Your husband came to you, stated he had feelings for a man and now he was pretty sure he was gay. After the initial shock wore off, how would you be feeling, what would you want for him, for you, for both of you moving forward? Would you want to preserve your marriage at all costs, even if it meant him having to deny his sexuality? Or would you be willing to let him go? Or would you be agreeable to the open marriage alternative?

--Fast forward yourself five years into the future. How do you think you would feel if you decided to stay in your marriage? Your marriage is familiar and I assume 'comfortable', so you sort of know how this option will be. How does this choice feel to you five years in the future? Conversely, imagine you decided to leave your marriage--where you are five years from now in that scenario is comparatively uncertain. You could be in love and in a committed relationship with a woman, or maybe dating, or maybe not. How do you feel seeing your future self with any one of these outcomes? Are you comfortable with all of these possibilities?


I think it's interesting that you have considered therapy, but are maybe 'afraid of the outcome'. I am in therapy and it has been of tremendous help to me, I'm finally living a more authentic life (in all areas), and (at least starting to!) be 'okay' with being me. A good therapist will just assist you in exploring your feelings, you can talk freely about anything. They help you get to the root of the matter of what is causing you distress, and assist you in moving forward in a healthy way. It's just a tool to use to get you where you want to be, and if you aren't sure where that is yet..that's fine, they can help you move towards figuring it out. I think it could be helpful for you, it would be at least a step towards ending the continuous 'circling the airport.' And even taking a step in breaking the holding pattern may be empowering for you.

Wishing you all the best! You seem like a person who likes to think things through, and I think that is wise in your situation. You are dealing with a lot, not only your feelings, but you are understandably concerned about your husbands as well. You have had many years together, and this certainly deserves to be well thought through. (Another reason I think therapy would be beneficial!) I do think you will come to a point where you will know which way to go with all of this!

 

Another question you could try asking yourself is What would I advise my daughter if she came to me with the same dilemma? It is easier to advise someone else stuck between a rock and a hard place than it is to advise yourself, I find. Also, if you are generally happy with your marriage - he is someone you enjoy spending time with and the sex is still something you enjoy, then you might want to ask yourself how you would feel about trading that all in to be alone, but authentic?

 

My wife remembered her repressed desires after many years. After we were married for 18 years she came out as something other than straight. In those days neither of us knew about LGBT, so she didn't know what to call herself. She only knew what she needed. She told me to figure it out. She told me she loved me and had no intention of loosing me, but she needed to make love to a woman.

Mary is bisexual. She claimed it as soon as I told her what the B meant, and has stuck to it ferociously for 25 years.

The important thing is to understand your own feelings. What your body wants. Not what you think you should want.

In our case, Mary does get to have both. It's not an option for most bisexual people. Mary thinks it should be. She is one of the greedy ones who gives bisexuals that reputation. It works for us.

There are so many possible outcomes you cannot know where you may end up.

Please be well

 

Bluenote,

Thanks so much for the update! So happy you met with a therapist and were encouraged that she can assist you in sorting things out. She seems like someone you feel comfortable with. And I like her suggestion not to worry about outcomes just yet. It must be reassuring to you that you can just explore your feelings with her-- without the immediate worry of how things are going to play out. Through therapy it is likely that how things play out, the path you ultimately want to take, will become more and more clear.

You took an empowering step! And I hope in a small way at least, you are celebrating this for yourself!