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LGBT Later in Life A support and discussion forum for older members who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender etc.

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Old 7th Mar 2017, 12:12 PM   #1
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After coming out and unresolved issues

Hi guys,

I would hugely appreciate your advice and support right now. Basically I'm a 29 year old male and I decided over the last year to begin the coming out process. At this point I have everyone told and the support I have received has been amazing.

I waited until now to come out as I simply did not have the courage to do so sooner. I come from a working class area and breaking the mould as the 'gay guy' was always something that frightened me. I guess you could say I have a somewhat conservative background too which didn't help (Catholic Ireland).

I literally put my love life on hold all my life. I kissed many girls down through the years but I knew that ultimately I did not find them attractive therefore I never did anything beyond kissing with them. Although I desperately yearned to meet other guys, I avoided this as I was afraid of being found out. It is difficult admitting this but I am still a virgin.

I think I mostly avoided intimacy as I have major body hang ups. I am very tall/thin and although I have been told I'm handsome, I feel so self concious re: my body. My doc once thought I might have a condition known as Marfans which is an illness that effects the heart. Those with the condition typically have a lanky/thin appearance too. Fortunately I don't have the condition but I still feel I look horrible when naked.

I do wish to meet a guy and I know I need to make changes in my life in order to achieve this. I'm thinking of hiring a personal trainer to help me gain some muscle and improve my overall confidence.

My question right now is, would other guys be interested in a lad in my situation? I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship and besides my sob story I'm actually a fun, caring and loyal kinda guy. I'm just petrified to reveal to other guys that I'm totally inexperienced at my age. I will be 30 in June.

I really want to make my 30s special. Any advice or thoughts on my situation are appreciated.

Best regards,
D

Last edited by Dlarkin; 7th Mar 2017 at 12:14 PM..
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Old 7th Mar 2017, 12:36 PM   #2
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

Dlarkin,

Congratulations on coming out and making the choice to be authentic. Welcome to the community!

Some things that I find attractive are authenticity, honesty, and a willingness to invest in someone. You seem to have all of these. Virginity is nothing to regret, and I think the right guy that you choose to be intimate with will be lucky indeed.

My only advice would be to come out and date in a way that's true to who you are and honors your roots. The LGBT community is big enough that all are welcome. You don't have to fit a perceived ideal, just be yourself. Sure, work out and be physically fit to honor yourself, but don't feel it's a requirement to fit in or date. I think the right guy will notice you for who you already are if you are comfortable with yourself.

If coming out seems challenging or lonely at times remember that you are the same person you always were, only more open and willing to be authentic about who you really are.

Best Wishes,

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Old 7th Mar 2017, 01:12 PM   #3
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

I don't think well-meaning guys will have a problem with your being a virgin. Some will probably enjoy showing you the ropes, so to speak. My first time with a man was in my early 40's (although I had prior hetero experience) and it was a non-issue. Try to focus on physical pleasure and doing what you think might be pleasurable rather than having an inner dialogue where you critique yourself or your performance.
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Old 7th Mar 2017, 05:33 PM   #4
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

Congrats on coming out!

Just for some perspective- I came out 8 months ago- I was 51. Having been married for the last 25 years, remaining faithful to my wife the entire time, I was looking at entering the gay dating scene as a middle aged gay virgin with a dad-bod :-) Thought there might be a pretty good chance I was going to be living the rest of my gay life somewhat alone.

I was honest about who I was and what I was looking for. I was open to meeting people of various backgrounds, ages and interests. The dating apps are surprisingly useful as long as you employ common sense and safety. I met a lot of people, from creepy to someone I may just marry.

I think you're 30's are going to be fantastic. Take your time- relax and enjoy.
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Old 8th Mar 2017, 02:32 PM   #5
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

Thanks so much for the replies guys. I really appreciate them and you have all given me food for thought. Sometimes I think I'm overthinking my situation, then other times I break down and feel so bad about it.

I just don't know how I could bare telling a guy that I'm a virgin. I understand many people come out later, but many of those people prob had discreet sexual encounters. I literally deprived myself this because of sheer insecurity.
In all honesty if a genuine guy turned to you and announced he was a virgin would you find this a turn off? Sorry for all these questions. I just feel so anxious by it all right now and it's eating me up.
I really want to recapture the years that I missed out on now have fun, date, hook ups but this big insecurity is making me uneasy.
Have you ever heard of other guys in my situation?

Many thanks for replies.

D
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Old 8th Mar 2017, 03:35 PM   #6
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

Hi Dlarkin, welcome to EC. I think this is a bigger deal to you than to any guy who is attracted to you. Lots of people come out late. Lots of people are inexperienced. Just be upfront before you jump into sexytimes with someone. Let him know you're inexperienced but excited to be with him and have some of those experiences.

I've not had the opportunity to be with a man either and I'm a decade older so you're doing pretty good from my POV.
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Old 8th Mar 2017, 03:36 PM   #7
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

Hi, and welcome.

There are actually *lots* of people who come out later-in-life, in their mid-20s all the way up to their 50s and beyond, who have never had a sexual experience at all. They don't go around trumpeting this, which is why it probably seems to you like you're the only one. But you're not. Among people who come out later in life, it's actually pretty common.

So it really isn't nearly as big a deal as you make it, and anyone who genuinely cares about who you are won't give a rat's ass about how many partners you have or have not been with. And anyone for whom it is a big deal... isn't someone you want to be around anyway.

As far as telling people, you don't have to come out and say you're a virgin. There's honestly not even any need to say it at all unless/until you feel comfortable. You could conceivably have sex with someone and not tell them, and they likely wouldn't know.

There's no magical handbook you get after having sex that shows you everything you need to know, and the experiences people have vary so much that there's no real standard of expectation. Nobody's going to jump up and go "What do you mean you don't know about that?"

So... you could simply let the relationship develop, and when the time comes for it to become sexual, simply let the other person lead. You could, either at that point, or afterwards, simply say "You know, this is all kind of a new experience for me, so I may need some patience," and that may be all you need to say. If he asks, you can simply say that you didn't come out till late, put everything on hold, and here you are. Nobody worth your time is going to freak out about that.

I know it may not seem like this to you, but it really isn't anywhere near as much of a big deal as it probably appears to you right now.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 04:00 PM   #8
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

Hi guys,

Apologies for my late response. Thank you so much for all your replies. I really appreciate them and they have certainly helped me to try see my situation differently.

I guess I'm just very fearful of being labelled a freak. I just read a post on an online forum earlier where a poster suggested that people who are 30 and still virgins are messed up. My heart actually sank when I read this and I can't stop worrying since.

In reality I'm a hard working, caring and respectable guy. I feel I have so much to offer a partner. My circumstances have just been pretty crap. I just don't want to be misunderstood and labelled 'messed up' for my lack of relationships.

I would really lovely to meet a nice decent guy and I'm sure in time if we hit it off I would tell him about my situation. Do you feel most guys would be understanding?

Lastly, because I feel I missed out on so much until now (dating, fooling around etc) do you feel that I can still do all these things in my 30s? I still feel and have been told I look much younger than 30, and although I know I'm not old, I just feel like I should have all of this out of my system by now. In reality I'm just starting out.

Thanks again for all your replies

D
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 05:08 PM   #9
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

I came out in my 40's, and enjoyed a second adolescence after doing so. Its generally understood within the LGBT community that people struggle with shame and internalised homophobia. As a result, you more-so-than-not actually get a free pass so-to-speak from many in the community (at least those that are not filled with so much self hate and low self esteem to be shallow). I found people to be really supportive and understanding early on in my journey.

It seems you are still working through some elements of shame that are impeding your ability to clearly see all of the opportunities that are ahead of you. Consider working on the shame that has built up, release yourself of that negative energy, embrace your sexuality and make the most of your life. You gave so much to live for!

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Old 22nd Mar 2017, 01:13 PM   #10
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Re: After coming out and unresolved issues

Congratulations on coming out. I can't speak for the guys out there, but when I came out at age 44, I, too, was completely inexperienced, and I can tell you unequivocally that it was not a stumbling block to dating.
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