Getting over someone...?

Go to some lgbt groups? It is helping me to begin to gain perspective and start the process of hauling myself out of this agonising place. Also, going no contact with her - horrible - but maybe the only way...

 

I feel for you. I am like the woman you're in love with; I'm a married bi woman. My situation is even more complicated. The woman I'm in love with is also bi and also married. We've loved each other and been lovers for 13 and a half years now but also love our husbands and won't leave them. Over time we've quit thinking about leaving our husbands and have settled into a "friends with benefits" relationship with each other. Our husbands both know about our relationship and don't like it but have stopped threatening to divorce us over it. It's a mess. Your situation is messy too. Anybody who offers you a solution is dangerous because nobody can really understand your feelings except you. I went to a professional therapist and she was very helpful. She helped me understand I wasn't going to give up the woman who is the love of my life but I wasn't going to leave my husband either. She said that over time all of us involved would come to accept the situation. That appears to be happening verrrrryyyy slowly. Does your lover's husband know his wife is bi and is your lover? If not you should be aware that these things always come out eventually and she will have to deal with it.

 

Yes for sure, I had to (actually present tense) get over someone, and it can be agonizing! Not exact same situation but I am getting over my ex gf, and as with you our lives still crossover so I do have to have contact with her sometimes. However other than that I am strictly no-contact (it's just too hard otherwise!) She was my first lesbian relationship so kind of similar to you, I know 'this one' will always be special...

Here's some things that are helping me to move on. And keep in mind this was after two weeks STRAIGHT of crying, somehow (sort of) holding it together at work. The best thing that has helped is just CONNECTING with other people. Not with the goal of finding a new relationship. But just being with others. I joined some classes different from my regular ones at the gym, I opened myself up to social opportunities I wouldn't have before. I connected with a group of people (not my 'normal' friend type) and we've been meeting for breakfast Saturday morning-- we have great conversations and they're a fun group too. I take advantage of some community events that I NEVER would have thought of going to before. At first I had to force myself, by nature I am not a 'joiner' type..this is pretty new for me, but now it's becoming much more comfortable and it is helping.

Does any of this make my and feelings for my ex-girlfriend any less? Not at all. But it does make coping easier, by putting my focus on other things and keeps me in the moment. As my world opens up (even in these small ways!) she becomes less of a focus in my life. The suggestion of LGBT groups seems like a great place to connect too!

Oh yes, and TIME. It is true that time heals, and it also gives you perspective. All the best to you Whoami33

 

Moonsparkle has some great ideas. I hope you didn't think I was being at all dismissive of your feelings, Whoami33. I know from bitter experience that feelings of romantic love don't just disappear and won't just be forgotten. But having good and interesting stuff to focus on helps with coping with it and this terribly difficult time may be an opportunity to make great new friends that you wouldn't have met otherwise.

 

Been there. Lonnnnggggggg story but crushed on a work colleague for 2 years then she moved on. No further contact. We didn't have a relationship but we did go out and become close. Knew she was gay though she never mentioned it. I was totally obsessed. I've been married 20 years with 2 grown up children. Still bumbling along in the unhappy marriage.
When it became obvious we were not going to see each other again I knew I had to do something to cope. I've never been so desperate in my life. So I did same - joined some clubs, volunteer. I found the contact with other/ new people gave me a different focus. Made me feel like I was able to live a life without her. And it does get easier over time. I know I'm different in that the separation was forced so I know that is a big factor too. While I was seeing her every day I could not stop hoping and it was destroying me. God knows how I would be if I still had to see her.

 

WhoamI, I'm sorry for any distress this is causing you, and I certainly can relate to the dilemma.

When I was going on the ex-gay merry-go-round, I was encouraged to have buddies, because they thought that (and or playing softball) would normalize any emotional longing. Needless to say, I just felt shame when realizing I was falling for a running buddy and ultimately needed to distance myself to make the accountability police happy.

Several years ago, I met a younger man while doing some contract work. We shared some similar recreational interests and continued to be friends after each of us moved on to different gigs.

It is hard for me to imagine loving another human more. For a while, I wondered whether I was capable of seeing him as he was because he just couldn't do wrong in my eyes. He's brilliant, handsome, lives simply, and is always looking to make a contribution to the greater good, whether it's his selectiveness in using his skill for employers whose mission he believes in, or volunteering to help remove non-native plants. If the government were to clone an army of super humans to save the planet, he would be my top candidate.

Loving him, has helped me come out to myself. He knows I'm in his court as I tend to affirm him far more than giving him a hard time (a typical mode of straight guys sharing affection); but I have not explicitly told him that I'm gay.

Aside from our age differences, I know we are never going to be physically or sexually close. At some point, I will share it; but I don't want it to color any of the affirmation I have given him.

He know he has been a gift to my life, and for that I am grateful. It would be very sad if he was creeped out by me being gay, or felt the need to withdraw from the friendship. I think there are ways of owning your sexuality and sharing it in truth without wigging the person out, and gratitude can be a part of that. He's been a great mirror and an inspiration to be a better man.

Never be ashamed of having an open heart chakra. The planet needs all who know how to blast love towards others and into the ether.

Only you know whether you can stay in the tension of unexpressed love. There may be times where it is unbearable not expressing it, and you may need to pull back to take care of yourself (sort of like me and my running buddies); but if you can hold your heart open and give her some latitude to process her own feelings, you may end up with a deeper friendship.

If it took me this long to figure it out, I can only be patient with other (or try to be).

 

I've stayed in an unhappy relationship because I don't have the courage to move on. I'm trying to build a life for myself where I live in the family home but there is no relationship there . We co habit but any socialising is always engineered by me to have other people there. We wouldn't suggest just the two of us doing anything together. There is no emotional connection. Hasn't been for a few years now. So yes, pretty bleak, but I'm not strong enough to do anything about it. I know I would be much happier on my own. I don't know what I'm waiting on anymore.
Until I had my crush I didn't realise how lacking the emotional connection was in my marriage. The feelings I had for her blew me away. I don't regret being there. It taught me so much about myself.

 

stella99 - I just wondered - is your husband aware of how unhappy you have become in your marriage? Is he unhappy too? Is there any way to reconnect? Being blown away by unexpected feelings...Know how that feels. Thought I wasn't capable. Never too old to fall hard are we?

 

Agonising is a good description. Getting over someone... do you ever actually get over them or just learn to cope with not having them. Last week I came out to a friend about my crush and I felt so much better. It was such a relief to share something that I had kept to myself for a year. This week I feel shite again! Stella99 I totally get where you are coming from when you said how you hadn't realised how lacking the emotion in your marriage was until your crush... I don't think I ever felt the emotion I felt with her with any man. And that the feelings you felt for her taught you so much about yourself... I totally feel the same. I feel that for the first time in my life I felt what true love is. I am thankful to have had those feelings as now I feel I have a much better understanding of lots more emotions than I ever had before.

I just need now to let go but it is so hard!

Moonsparkle. How long has it been for you x... have you had a day go by yet where you haven't thought of her? Or felt that pang in your stomach that pulls you down? Since last September I have done the same as you. I have done lots of new things. Gone out to a lot of different social events that I wouldn't normally have attended. Lost weight! Lots of weight and whenever I feel low I stick on my headphone and jump on the exercise bike. I am out now Fridays and Saturdays. A lot of my friends just laugh at me!!! Keep asking what's wrong! They are all ready to go off home to bed and i'm still raring to go. I think it's just that I don't want to go home! As when I get home that's when i'm on my own and thinking of her. Like Whoami33, I am totally obsessed, besotted ... even though we seem to know we have to move on!

 

I think so many of us are in this same position, and I feel we are all pulling each other along.

Jackie, I too feel ups and downs are more intense now. Some days I'm in my car singing at the top of my lungs and motoring along, thinking I have new life, and other days I feel stuck and wondering how I'm ever going to make anything happen.

And stella, I too feel like the amazing crush that I experienced is something I have never felt with men, ever. I feel like I finally understand the intensity that songs are written about. I'm happy that I experienced that feeling, and now, I want more of it.

But I'm like the sheep in the fenced pasture, looking over the fence and wanting to be free and wild and yet afraid to leave my boring but pleasant experience.

I think if my crush had felt the same way about me - I would absolutely have done something about it. But now, I just know there might be someone else that I could feel that way about and who would feel that way about me - but there might not.

Truthfully, I'm trying to get over her, but I keep looking back on the emails and texts that we exchanged -- rereading them every day, even though I know that's not healthy and I need to stop doing it. I'm still addicted to the feeling of my adoring her. I have tried to stay away from her Facebook page.

I'm also focused on work, and I'm training for a long race and that is helping. Slowly, I feel less devastated every day, so I guess it's working.

 

Jackiescutt17 - sorry to hear you are feeling down again - it seems to go in waves, doesn't it? I find the term "crush" a bit annoying, because it underplays the intensity of the feelings and doesn't acknowledge that romantic love is a biological process that physically​ alters the brain: it is real, not a construct and we are like junkies craving a fix...I prefer the old fashioned phrase "love sickness". And no, I don't believe the phrase "get over it" is a realistic one. Rather, over time, this very significant experience​ becomes incorporated into ourselves, as part of our life stories. The memory of it will always be charged with emotion, but I believe that the feelings will lose their harsh edge, mellow and blend with the whole eventually...I sincerely hope. And Jackiescutt17, I did appreciate your personal message. I will respond at some point - I am not ignoring you. Bluenote - I have been singing at points too - plan to join my local lgbt choir when they take new members in May!

 

My husband cannot be unaware of how unhappy I am now, and I'm sure he is the same. But we don't discuss it.
Jackie-you've obviously been there too. I too don't regret the experience. It showed me that I am alive. I can feel such emotion. The longing and craving for that person was a physical obsession. I had physical symptoms when we were apart, and then my stomach would flip when we we're together. I've stopped rereading her emails and texts; I was only torturing myself. Yes, I didn't get over her, I'm learning to cope without her. So true.
And yes, I so understand the comment about being addicted to the feeling of adoring her. It is still almost tangible- that feeling of missing her when we were apart and the way my stomach twisted when I knew I wasn't going to see her for a few days.
But I honestly don't want to go back there. I learned a lot about myself, but I really really don't want to be in that position again.
I too have been accused of a midlife crisis due to my sometimes gay abandon (sorry) (I even got a tattoo, something I've wanted for years) but it's all part of my coping mechanism. Keep busy. Make new connections. Find a new focus. I don't just want to exist anymore, I want to live.

 

What a shame we can't all meet up? Maybe one day. I feel we could all be really good friends. I read your comments and it's like the words are coming from me! Even though I have a friend now that I can confide in, I don't think she will ever understand like you all do... sharing how I feel like this helps so much.

I know what you mean about the word 'crush' Peterpangirl. It does make it sound like a schoolgirl fantasy. I honestly can not think of one word that could sum up the lady I fell in love with. But I know that she has me feeling like a lost little schoolgirl... totally vulnerable and needing something that I can't have! I think even now, after all these months if she was to message and say that she may even have the slightest feelings towards me I would be there... hook line and sinker! But it isn't going to happen... she is married and straight. Until that moment I was straight, and even though I have never been with a woman (apart from some touching on my part while we were both very drunk) I know from how I felt with her and how I feel now I would not ever be with a man again.

Stella99, I too want to live. I didn't before. I wanted to curl into a ball and die. I had a knot in my stomach that stopped me from standing straight. And every so often it would tighten more and I would just feel so sick! The knot has eased now. Every now and then it comes back. These are all new emotions for me, I have never experienced these with any man. This woman is in my life. Family connections will keep us in each others lives but she in another country, so there is some distance. I am still smitten. I want to feel that connection with someone else. I want to be able to find someone that reciprocates these feelings, and then I think will my 'light switch lady' be with me now whatever I do. Should I even think about looking to meet someone else. I do want to but then I think of how I still feel about her.

I think some strange things... not things I would have thought would come from me! If I was younger, perhaps a quick fling to see if that helped. I quick comfort 'shag' excuse my choice of word, but where does that come from? I'm not a teenager, I'm not a 'shag' type of person and this is what I mean by having this site to share. I can't imagine asking my friend what she thinks of this thought! I really am in a totally different place at the moment.

Today was a hard day at work. I work in a school office... finance. My head hurt by the time I left. In the car... music on and turned up loud and I was taken away from it all for a while. Once home it was bra off and into my pj's, and then into my 2nd job. I have a little online business, personalised gifts. I do this in the evenings as I get bored quite easily. Since my boys got older and needed me less and less I needed something to fill my time. The extra money of course comes in handy.

I haven't had much motivation since I fell for her... I start making some new things and then end up watching TV online... not being able to concentrate. But tonight I got some good ideas and before I knew it had lots of stuff on the go. Then a song came on. James Arthur, Say you won't let go! That was it. I sat and listened to that and felt rubbish. I hate slow songs normally. I'm a disco, fast music listener... i'm listening to lots of slow songs now!

So I packed it away and came on EC. I read all of your posts and thoughts and the next thing I know I have typed another long post and again feel so much better. Bluenote you are so right... we are pulling each other along, taking each day as it comes and hoping the next one is easier. Is this what therapy feels like... ?

 

I agree with you Jackie! I read all of the posts from later in life lesbians--and all the words, the feelings--they all resonate with me! Everyone seems to express the feelings I have had or am having! Everyone does seem to understand. Thankfully we are living now, in this era of technology so we can all connect!

To answer your question regarding my ex--I think about her EVERYDAY. And yes...exactly.. I do feel that 'pang in my stomach'. Some days are much easier than others, and as Peterpan girl mentioned it really does seem to come in waves. I'm okay for a few days and then NOT. I still love her and think a lot about how no one else will ever be her, how no one else will ever get me the way she did. Meanwhile, I keep on being social with others, getting out there, trying new things etc. etc. And for sure I get something out of every new opportunity I take! But sometimes wonder to myself if all this socializing etc. is just a 'cover'--stuff to keep me busy, while in reality I will never be able to let her go.... That thought makes me really sad. At the same time I am so happy for our relationship, so happy that I let her in and what I learned from our time together. Sigh...sad and happy...always these conflicting/confusing emotions.

I do know though-- that being out there/socializing is better than the way I was handling things when we initially broke up (ruminating about her, the what if's, feeling like crap, going to work but NOTHING else,staying completely trapped in my head) It does force me to focus on other things...and that is at least working BETTER than being curled up on my couch, with my cats, watching netflix! I mean I still do that but it's for an hour or two at a time not days!! I like how Bluenote says she is feeling 'less devastated' everyday. Good way to put it...my degree of devastation is less...but I'm still devastated!

As a side note, I have learned something
(that I should have known anyway!) over the past couple weeks. My ex and I have crossover lives because we work together. Same company, different offices but our jobs are intertwined, so we have had to continue communicating about work obviously. I set really clear boundaries on this and HAD been doing well. No contact except work stuff. No reviewing past texts/photos--nothing. Past couple weeks though I let my guard down I guess...work talk turned into more personal talk...talk turned into some texting, like the 'old days', fun stuff but with some "I still love you's' also thrown in there on both sides. And then a couple of in person meetings and long talks. (All the while I deluded myself into thinking...maybe I am ready to just be her friend.) OMG--I most certainly am not. Feeling definitely two steps back today! My therapist had warned me --'it usually takes six months to a year of no contact to be ready for any type of friendship--if it happens.' I should be listening to him!!! So I will get back on track. Because I know I feel WORSE now than I did a few weeks ago.

Hopefully as Peterpangirl put so well as time goes by the harsh edges of what we are all experiencing will soften. Meanwhile, fortunately we have EC...helpful to know that none of us are alone in what we are going through.

 

Thanks Moonsparkle, you write with clarity and all I want to say is that you all are keeping me sane, grounded and ready to take on another day. I appreciate your collective experience and wisdom and am so grateful for each of you. Sending a virtual hug from California.

 

Yes, I understand the "I still cannot cope with seeing you" feeling that Moonsparkle mentions. I won't go into the detail of how and where I met my "catalyst", because that would involve a long post that would, I fear, make me readily identifiable. I never outright of told her my feelings, although I would imagine I didn't conceal them particularly well. But I bumped into her accidentally yesterday, whilst hurrying from A to B. So awkward - she asked gingerly "Hiya, all right?" when to be honest she knows I am really not as I have admitted that I have personal problems right now. However, neither of us wanted to get into conversation - I couldn't even look her properly in the eye - it felt almost as if I was not even seeing her, but a Picassoesque, abstract image (that's the second time I've had that weird experience when I have bumped into her). It is like my brain is trying to develop a bizarre strategy for detaching, because otherwise it is just too painful. Because of how I know her I feel large amounts of shame, denial and embarrassment about my attraction.