Relationships before coming out : how did you feel ?

This probably won't be much help, but I'll tell you my story, anyway.

I had two...well, "girlfriends" is probably a stretch, but for lack of a better term, I'll use it. I had two girlfriends before doping out my sexuality. One I actually went on several dates with, including high school prom. The other I hung out with a fair amount, but it wasn't really clear if any of our time together would've been classified as a date by either of us.

How did I feel about them? I liked them. I was intrigued by them. I felt "this person is interesting, and I'd like to spend more time with them". But even then, I'm not sure if they felt like a "crush". It was a lot more like my male friends - "Oh, Mike/Sara is cool, it's fun hanging out him/her, I should see if we can hang out more." I did feel like I SHOULD try nudging them into the date/relationship realm, since that's what you did with the opposite sex, right? But I just never felt that with either of them. I certainly never felt like I was in love, by any stretch. Had they made a sexual move on me, I probably would've gone along with it, and probably would've enjoyed it...but on the same level that I'd enjoy a masturbation session. You know, "hey, orgasm - awesome!".

Did my sexuality change? I don't really think so. I don't know if I had a mental block about being gay - I don't THINK I did. It was almost just like it never occurred to me. There were very vague hints that I was gay back then. (Any album cover featuring a naked man's butt always made me look twice, for instance.) But that's all they were - vague hints. It wasn't until I sat down and said "OK, let's go ahead and look at some guys in a sexual way, and see how I respond" that I realized exactly how much I dug guys.

...if it's any help, I did that at age 20.

Lex

 

Really no way of telling. If it's women that are currently doing it for you, why not just focus your attention in that direction for awhile? You don't have to make a public announcement or anything. Just go think about women, date women, go to bed with women if you desire.

Lex

 

Hello

My wife came out as bisexual when she was 36 years old. She still loves me, and her sexual interest in me did not change. She's a good sex partner.

Her interest in women was always there, but when she was young she denied it out of fear, and crippled herself, for lack of any better description. After she opened up to her old feelings she's felt so much better it is truly amazing.

She is more sexually interested in women than in men. She can and has fallen in love with a woman. It didn't work out for her last time.

She has dreams of some day having it all.

Be well.

 

We had been married for 18 years. We always knew something was different about her. For instance, she really enjoyed girl watching with me since the day I met her. She had been Pentecostal as a child and her desires frightened her. I think her church actively "helped" her forget her thoughts. Her memories of just how she got over her thoughts about girls are still muddled.

One day it came out, she describes it like a dam breaking. The change in her was so startling, so dramatic, it was amazing. I have always been a pretty wild guy, but I thought it might have been a phase or something. I arranged to go to a swingers party, asked the owner of the house about a woman who might like my wife, and a woman volunteered as long as I didn't get involved.

The woman kissed Mary on the cheek. Mary kissed her back. We went somewhere private. Mary went wild. She couldn't get enough of the woman.

Mary had never been aggressive with me. Mary was wildly aggressive with this woman. The woman had several orgasms. Mary didn't want to stop. It's been like that ever since.

I worship Mary, but she's never shown interest in me, physically. It never bothered me at all because she's highly responsive. Seeing her become a sexual aggressor was very wild. It was a new chapter in our lives.

We've definitely had our problems. After 5 years of wild times Mary fell in love hard, and fell apart when it didn't work out with her girlfriend. After Mary got better I did think it would be better for us to be apart. But I was wrong. I need her, she needs me. She needs more, also. I accept that. So now she is much more careful with her heart, trying to find the right girlfriend.

It's very different, that's for sure. It works for us.

 

I felt strong pressure to be normal (in the heteronormative sense), and my straight relationships and sex were (or at least seemed) enjoyable. Once I accepted myself as gay and began having relationships with guys, I discovered what I was missing. The first time I kissed a guy I cared about, it was like :wow: this is what I've been missing. Life began to make sense. Sex and relationships become more than obligations to fulfill, rather they were something that I wanted. I finally understood what the straight kids were feeling in high school

HTH

 

My wife thinks people, especially women, who are curious about all this are fantastic. She suspects many women appreciate the opportunity to share.

Be well

 

I came out over a year ago, and I'm old enough to be your father. I was married to a woman, and I felt that I was in love. I'm somewhat bisexual (Kinsey 5) such that we could have a very lengthy debate whether or not I was in love. I prefer to leave the question unresolved and will state that gay love is far more fulfilling for me. The first line in my sig sums it up ride:

Breakups while dating women were typical (we weren't compatible), and I don't recall my specific reactions. Perhaps in hindsight I could say that the lack of compatibility was a function of my true sexual orientation, though this is an area of my past where over analysis is not helpful to me at this point in my life.

 

Thanks - I'm glad that I could help. Might I inquire how you are going to use the information shared in this thread, or more specifically, what is your plan of attack going forward?

 

You should not worry.

That is certain. It's a new adventure.

Mary says most of your friends being female makes sense. It's nothing to be nervous about.

Be well

 

If 20 is now late to be coming out, I am so doomed! ;^)

I think everyone is different. For years, I was so numb that my emotional instrument panel was of little use. The shrinks and ex-gay ministries helped me to be a good compartmentalizer. Now that I am coming out to myself and unbundling this mess, I can see I tried coming out several times, only to let others tell me that it wasn't true for me. Pathetic.

For a while there, people talked about their spouse being their best friend, which is nice; but if you have had nothing but "friendly" relationships, you may not have yet experienced the lightening bolt of love.

Sometimes it is not as linear as we might like. For example, I think I needed to accept myself as a man before I could accept myself as a gay man. I needed to learn how to love and trust myself before I could love others, and it's not something I've mastered yet.

 

Yes, many people have a stronger preference for one gender and identify as bisexual. I personally choose to identify as gay because it's the label that feels closest to the truth for me. There's something known as the Kinsey scale that might help you understand that bisexuality is a continuum, ranging from fully heterosexual to fully homosexual. If you google "Kinsey scale" you'll find a lot of useful information about it.

Exploring and discovering things about your sexuality is a great plan. Dating women would probably help you understand where you fall on the Kinsey scale and help you get comfortable with your sexuality. Just realize that it might take a few dates until you find the right woman who makes you feel comfortable enough to feel fireworks. In other words, you won't be attracted to every woman, and you need to find your type before you can draw conclusions about your sexuality.

I wrote a blog about coming out to your spouse as gay, but that's not directly applicable to you.

There's no need to rush coming out. You should come out when you feel comfortable. You might want to come out after you've done some experimenting with other women so that you have time to find the label that best describes you (probably bisexual or lesbian/gay).

While coming out conversations are scary because you are vulnerable and risk rejection, once you have several of them you begin to feel better about yourself because you are no longer keeping your sexuality a secret. You may want to prepare a script of what you want to say. Brainstorm possible questions and create some canned answers to the anticipated questions, for example, "How long have you known?" Memorize the script and answers. Practice and rehearse the script until it flows naturally.

Why does having a lot of female friends make you nervous? I act differently (more straight) around straight friends. In general, guys who have problems with gay people typically have unresolved feelings/attractions of their own. People who are comfortable with their own sexuality aren't offended by people who are different.

 

I don't know if you're bisexual but I don't think most heterosexual people begin to feel attraction towards the same gender after a breakup. So my feeling is that you are on the right track to at least explore the question.

Also keep in mind that you just got out of a relationship with a person who was wrong for you. I would guess that the whole thing was stressful and now it's over and it would be natural for you to shut down your attraction to men for awhile. Your brain and heart need a break. But perhaps in taking this break it has allowed other feelings that were overshadowed or even suppressed to emerge and be more noticeable to you.

I read your initial questions several times and I wasn't clear on what you were asking. My apologies if this wasn't addressing your questions.

 

Your English is excellent. I am the same way (mutatis mutandis) in France: I listen well, but speaking is more work.

And now to the Greek language: how many little feet do you have? ;-)