Hi, Hello all. Just saw my hundredth therapist in my life and he flat out told me I was probably gay. Married and three young teenage daughters. Never have done anything with same sex. I could go on and on but I am at my wits end. Seriously depressed about this where I went to speak with a crisis counsellor today and sobbed away at my situation. I live in a small town and he suggested I seek support but very little here. So here I am on this sight again. So confused and scared. Good family and really don't want to,wreck it. Would like some feedback from others going through this. I still can't picture myself as gay. Thanks.
Hi there , so I am 57 with three daughters 21-26 years old and few months ago my wife co fronted me that she had found out I had been sleeping with guys . Well the infidelity is horrendous first off and then to complicate it my sexuality comes to question . Now fast forward to now my wife and I are actually doing great overall working with therapist on the "is" part and by no means has that been reconciled . She has treated me pretty damn good considering g she could have thrown me out of the house easily. In an odd way the questioning sexuality while more complicated probably gave her pause to let me try and figure it all out . I continue to work hard with a gay affirming sex therapist as well as a marriage counselor . So from a guy who essentially betrayed my wife I can only give u this advice and you many not want to hear it . Sit down with your wife and talk to her honestly and openly and that all these years of. Love were real and that you implicitly love her and do not want to hurt her . You need her more now than ever to help you figure this out . There are a lot of mixed oriented marriages go online and read about them . Look up Dr Joe Kort as he is a phd that is gay and written extensively about this subject. Ultimately we are born this way and fear prohibits us from being real and ultimately happy . Hope this helps
Hi Piston! Your post prompted me to register to reply. (I haven't been to this site before today.) I can relate to your depression and sense of isolation, and if you really are gay and beginning to come out to yourself, it can be excruciating. It’s difficult to know where to begin. There’s so much I’d like to share, but mostly I’d like you to be encouraged and know that there is support, regardless of how isolated and depressed you may feel. There are a few things you mentioned that strike me: your lack of experience with men, your counselor’s judgment, and not being able to picture yourself gay. The collage of images you may have about the gay community could easily make it difficult to embrace. After all, not everyone feels comfortable dancing in their underwear on a parade float, and there are fringe proclivities dramatized in gay porn that are fantasy or for the adventurous. I recently started with a gay psychiatrist, and he said the most telling sign may be what you fantasize about when jerking off. So Piston, you might want to consider what moves your crankshaft. ;^) I have frustrated more than a couple of counselors in my life, although most of those were "ex-gay" conversion therapy types; but I think it is wise not to allow others to speak their judgments into us, if you know what I mean. At the same time, you know what you've shared in counseling and why they might think that. It’s easy to grasp at straws in order to try to gain some kind of traction in hopes of alleviating depression. What I’m trying to say is this: don’t put a lot of stock in a counselor’s opinion if you’ve only had a couple of sessions. ----- I’m sure a city like Toronto has LGBT resources. If you are gay, I can’t encourage you enough to patiently build yourself a support network. If you have an iPad or iPhone, you can get the Kindle app and download books, if you are concerned about leaving a hardcopy around. There are a couple of titles which are easy reads that you might find helpful at this point. One is Over a Cliff by Doug Dittmer. It is about married men coming out to their wives. I agree with MJ5963, but with a caveat: talk with your wife when you are ready and when you have a support system in place. When you have those conversations, you need to be calm and centered enough to let your wife react. You’ll need to reassure her that you are still the same person, and regardless of what the catty in the culture might say, and that you still love her and your daughters. After you both have begun the dialogue, you can mutually decide how and when to talk to your daughters. At the same time, it *might* be prudent to give a little prep to the worst case scenario: instant volatile divorce; but don’t allow yourself to start twitching in fear about that. I think the goal here is to just gather some data, while holding the intention that in three to five years you will all have a positive connection. Another useful book is The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World. It was easy to see parts of my story in those in the book, and I felt less defective and isolated. There are other useful titles as well, but I can be bookish. Trust that you’ll be able to identify what is useful to you. —— A little about myself, I am 57, have been married for 27 years, and have a 22 year old son. I had sexual exposure and experiences early in life, but with two brothers who were so much older than me, I kind of grew up in a locker room, and dismissed some of these early experiences as “boys will be boys”. I fell in love with one of my team mates on the crew team in college, and it was such an emotionally painful experience I attempted suicide and saw it as why God prohibited gay sex, or so I thought. Having been raised catholic, I was ripe for the evangelical sales pitches of God changing people’s orientation. The AIDS epidemic was ramping up, so cut myself off from every gay person I knew, and began going to ex-gay ministries. Granted, this was after the catholic priest gave me Leviticus to reflect upon, and my parents sent me to psychiatrist who easily persuaded me into not believing I was gay. While it gave me hope, it encouraged me to stuff my feelings and compartmentalize things. After meeting the woman who is now my wife, I told her about my “struggle” when it became apparent we were spending more time together. At one point, I went to a famous charismatic prayer ministry for a week of intensive prayer. At the end of the week, they pronounced me marriage material, and six months later we married. My wife knew about all of the ex-gay programs I attended over the years She even went with me to one that trained others to lead groups, although I never felt comfortable doing that, even if I had earned a medal for not touching myself for nearly two months. After going around the ex-gay ministry mountain more times than I’d like to admit, I could see the effects on other men as they progressed through the program, especially married men with children. They didn’t seem to be becoming “lighter”, more alive, or more loving. They seemed to be going numb or becoming increasingly rigid. So, there wasn’t a Franke & Grace betrayal, and my wife knows all the solutions I’ve sought. While some of these programs provided insights into my sexual journey, a common misconception is that if you have healthy male friendships that the longing will fade, provided you learn to play baseball or work through anything that caused you to separate yourself from the greater circle of men. As an avid runner, I was always looking for a marathon buddy. A natural companionship would grow as we’d share and build distance for a race, but I’d usually realize that I was falling in love with my buddy (besides, runners often have cute butts), so I’d need to avoid the friendship based on the advice of the ex-gay accountability police, grieving the loss and lamenting my defectiveness. Several years ago, I began to have a variety of bizarre and unusual health issues. The years of learning how to be an effective compartmentalizer had taken it’s toll. Last fall, I cowardly made a charge purchase at an adult bookstore (poppers), knowing she would see it on the card bill and ask questions. It was the beginning of many difficult conversations. At this juncture, we are still married; but I do not think we will stay together. I don’t think it is healthy for either of us. ———— A friend of mine, has had a similar path (years of therapy, anti-depressants, and ex-gay ministry participation) except he had a pattern of periodically getting drunk and having an anonymous sexual encounter. His wife eventually confronted him, and he confessed that he didn’t think he was capable of never letting it happen again. Eventually, they separated and began the process of rebuilding their lives. He is now close to 70, single, and living in Palm Springs. It hasn’t been easy, but aside from being a wonderful support, he is my role model for persevering along this path. I enjoy asking him about his dates, and it is nice to see there can be life on the other side of the crisis. ———— Piston, if I may be a bit spiritually sanctimonious for a moment, I think a key project along the journey is to learn to love and accept yourself. If you put both hands over your heart and say “Piston, I love myself”, it may feel odd or ridiculous; but for me, it was an indicator of how skilled I was at hating myself. If and when I ever date, I’ll be looking for a man committed to learning and practicing a healthy self love and acceptance. I think it is more important than the man’s career, money, or appearance. Having set a timer reminding me to daily tell myself that I love myself, I can tell you that there has been a positive shift, even though there are days when I may be grinding my teeth at the world and my life. You’re not alone bro. Clarity will come. Keep keepin’ on. ;^) Hope this helps.
Hi, Thanks for the feedback. I do really love my wife and got the perfect little set up. She is clueless on what is going on with me. I did tell her five years ago I did not enjoy sex. A sex therapist said I was a sexual anorexic. She was okay with me not enjoying sex. She said I built up huge expectations of sex before having intercourse and that sex ain't that big of a deal. I don't know if I am gay or not or just an anorexic. Never enjoyed sex. Psychologically I was riddled with anxiety as a teen and would have panic attacks on dates. I was lusting after and in love with my brothers wife fro, teenage to early twenties. Had sex at twenty four, told the girl and she dumped me. I was depressed seriously at that time. Dated women in my thirties, had sex but was waiting for the magical experience. I somehow learned to will myself to have sex and would feel bad afterward wondering what is wrong with me. Trying to fix it. I was happy for firts ten years of marriage, got married at thirty seven and happy making babies. Now, it hurts my wife when we have sex and we haven't had sex in five months. She has had hysterectomy. I also think she doesn't like sex and that was one of the reasons I got excited to marry her. We get along great, really great actually. No fights. I just drink beers twice a week which she doesn't like. The constant self talk in my head is I suck, something wrong with me, your gay, you must be gay in my head and I want it to stop. Anxiety is through the roof. I am very masculine to say the least. Kind of wondering all over the map. I would say I never really thoght I liked guys early on but a satisfying sexual experiences made me believe I was broken. ... And trying to fix it. Low self esteem and depression and anxiety constant companions and sexuality always on the brain. Ami, ami not. So here I am, confronting my fears and looking at myself rationally. All this by trying not to catastrophise my future. I don't know if I am gay or just a dude that doesn't like sex. I don't know what sexual attraction is and sometimes I think asexual. My wife I don't think would harbour a mixed marriage. Has some trust issues and threatened to kick me out when I was going to strip clubs and drinking lots. This is lots of info for now. Any input would be great. Ps I feel like a real asshole for hiding from wife. She says you weren't depressed till lately. I told her I suffered from depression in the past and it just has reared its ugly head again. Another partial truth.
H tbd, Wow what a past with the ex gay ministry. The past month I have been chain watching Joyce Meyer and Joel osteen. Been going to church too. Looking for a miracle to my debacle. I was driving myself nuts watching these vids. The devil is planting thoughts in my head for example. I was in AA for two years and when they said be honest wih yourself I thoght they were talking about being gay. The sex therapist I saw works out of a church and is a recovering porn addict. He said I am not gay but my background growing and early hostory with parents caused me to be scared of sex. I haven't watched porn for about four months or even masterbated. Don't know what to masterbate to and/or being depressed. Or scared of what I might masterbate to. Once it escalated to bestiality as nothing was really turning me on. So I stopped Jo soi could reset myself and see where my desires lie. Went to club today and saw some dudes in shower. Nothing stimulating really. Then the debate goes on in my head. I can't say I get horny around either sex. I sometimes get really nervous around men. Thoughts like am I getting turned on etc. then anxiety. I really don't know what horny is. Right now I am trying not to get ahead of myself or have pity party's. All my therapists all my life said I am not gay and I went with that hoping I would magically get the spark. Except for this last guy. i live two hours from toronto so not really close for stuff. I have a phone appointment to talk to a gay guy in the local community today at three. See what he has to say. Yes self hate is strong right now. Maybe I will find out I am not gay. Who knows. Thanks for the wonderful support. P.
Good morning piston, read all the threads since you started I including the one I wrote. Again solely my opinoin here and know that ultimately anyone posting here is giving you insight to their situation and everyone's is unique so ultimately you will decide what is best . I always hoped my thoughts and desires would go away , not a religious person so never seemed that avenue but do know we all are born to who we are and while repressing all of this I look back at my life and see such a happy person for many years . The. The released feelings started to come out more and once I took the leap years ago to physically see what all my inner curiosity feels were , I began to understand that I may in face be gay . Labels do stink but it feels like there is some type of need to understand . I believe it is all fluid and I know 100% I am not straight period . So my wife joined me for the first time in counsel I g last week and while it was tough and emotional it was great because everything is on the table. She is treating me great and almost normal especially since my secret is no more and wow I am beyond happy becUse of that . We still ha e a long road to go because infidelity violates trust and trust needs to be re-earned , I believe we will get there . But I do not know if my wife can ever get over the fact I had sex with guys and not just once but many guys over several years . Ultimately we both need to be happy and my hope is she forgives me but never forgets . If she can we will reconcile and spend rest of our lives together . I hope this helps in any way
Hi mj, Perhaps for me it is denial. I don't know what sexual attraction is. I just have this voice in my head that says your gay al day. Like a radio. I am speaking to an support person from the community and says I am not gay. I don't necessarily get horny and I gotta be with that guy. More of what is wrong with me, why don't I get turned on by women. Therefore I must be gay. I haven't masterbated in four months or had sex with my wife in that amount of time. Don't have the urge. One therapist said I was a sexual anorexic, fear sex. I was to do a hook up I would have an anxiety attack for sure. Right now I am trying to accept the fact that this is the way I am, asexual perhaps. And carry on. I was always nervous since teenage years and wondering intimacy may be fro childhood stuff. I donno. I personally don't want to wreck my kids lives. But inside I so anxious and depressed it is not even funny. I went to a gay bar once and kissed a guy and nothing. I had crushes on women before so I didn't think I was gay when young. I was so hung up on proving my manhood younger and when I finally got laid I was disappointed. My transgender support phone person I reached ou to said I am not gay, one therapist said I was ocd so who knows. Thinking about men gives me anxiety not turning on right now.kinda sucks going through motions of day with these thoughts in my head. Isn't their more to,life than sex? ---------- Post added 13th Mar 2017 at 08:23 AM ---------- I did have a chat with my wife. Said sex ain't what I think it is and that I could be asexual or gay. She said you wanna fuck guys. I said no. But those are thoughts that go through head. she was cool with it. Mmshe said she couldn't help me with the gay thing, I can afford to live on my own and my family would suffer financially if I left. Those thoughts depress me to th highest degree. I have been depressed and anxious all my life except for when I first got married and baby making years. My wife also said she doesn't like sex so we are a perfect fit that way.
I looked at your earlier threads, and I don't have a good sense of whether you are gay or not based on what you posted. I got the sense that you were straight in the earlier threads. Why does the latest therapist think you are gay? You had crushes on girls growing up. Did you feel anything for guys? Did you think other guys were cute? Check guys out in the shower? Or admire other guys growing up? Are your therapists helping you with the low self esteem, anxiety, depression and constant self talk in your head (the part where you say that you suck, something wrong with you)? Given your experiences growing up, I think that you would be better served addressing those areas first and then tackle the question of your sexuality later (unless the latest therapist has a really good reason to think you are gay).
Hi sienna fire. Had a crush on my gr. Five teacher.m,she got married that year and I was upset. No thinking boys were cute younger. No same sex experiences early. Crushe on brothers wife for years. Crush on my high school boss. Alcoholic father, verbally abusive etc. in high school he would be getting drunk and I would take off out of the house to work or get drunk or high myself. My dad thoght I was getting laid when I was out and I kept the persona of a stud. Felt I needed to as I wasn't allowed to have a steady girlfriend just do them all. That was not me. looking back I was a nervous wreck. Ipad an episode of depression when I was seventeen and had know idea of what it was. I did not either. I had some homosexual advance from other dudes, suttle, but was not turned on. I just hung out with them because they had weed. Now when I dated I would have huge anxiety, I mean full blown panic attacks. Didn't feel aroused with the girls I was with my age as I was nervous. So I avoided and pretended to be a big stud and party harty early twenties. Had huge expectations of myself. I remember a guy telling me I would know what to do with that hot chick. He was right. I felt I should know what to do and forced myself and will myself to get aroused. (Control issues). Did not work. After finishing school I had to get a girlfriend and get married and that is when I first had sex with a girl,I did not even like. Just convient. It was in the bathroom with her parents home. Tried it a few more times after that with her and the. I told her I thought I was gay and she dumped me. It sent me into a mental hospital shrink and it took a long time to recover. I would jerk off to women as that was a convenient habit for me. However I would have short lived relationships late twenties, wary thirties. I would get out of them after a short while as it would cause me stress. What is wrong with me, I should be enjoying this, I must be gay. Where is the fire in my loins. I was in therapy in and out through these years with diagnosis of depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I did not believe this diagnosis because I just thought I was gay. I thoght that was the issue. Fell in love with my wife at age 36 md got married. Very happy. Sex still wasn't what I thoght it should feel like but I was still happy. Then now we don't have sex because of her hysterectomy. I watched porn this morning, gay porn. Gave myself a chance and kept my mind open but it did not arouse me. Checked craiglist and that was weird too. Maybe I am just one of these guys that just not totally horned out all the time. My sex therapist who lives an hour away said I am not gay and that I was on the opposite end of the sex addict and sex anorexic. Basically fear of sex. I stopped going as it was too far. A good paying therapist I have been seeing for a couple of years now was good at raising my self esteem and saying I will get better when I realize I am not broken and not trying to fix things. This last therapist was from a crisis centre. I was in distress and I told him I did not enjoy sex. From me saying that without even asking me about my history concluded that I was gay. He even said my wife is probably gay too as she has some inhibitions about sex. He added fuel to the fire and sent me spiralling out of control when I left. Thankfully foned a person to talk to and she calmed me down as well. He was a free canadian therapist from the hospital that I think, usually deals with addiction issues. I am not going to see him again. Anyway, I am going to plug on as I don't think I am gay even though brain says so. Going to worm my way back out of depression slowly like I always do. Aside: the possibility of not having sex with my wife I think has triggered this now that I think about it. She needs on operation to fix her parts. Strange, I still want to be be intimate with her. My way of getting close even though it is not what I think it is. Thank you for the kind posts in reply to this. this was a bit long.
While there is some reason to suspect that you are gay based on your sexual history and lack of enjoyment of straight sex, there's usually also some internal manifestations of attraction when somebody is gay (for example, checking out guys, having some feelings of attraction during youth (which can be misinterpreted), or having fantasies about guys while masturbating without porn). You haven't shared anything that indicates attraction to guys. There was mention in earlier threads that you might have OCD with obsessive thoughts about being gay. This seems like a good possibility and something that you should validate with a trusted therapist. I think that you may want to consider returning to the good therapist who helped you feel better about yourself if that's an option. That therapist seems like a good one. Would you agree? Chip also provided some good insights about vulnerability in an earlier thread - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2824996-post2.html. That might be a good topic for your therapist as well.
Hi, I suppose lack of enjoyment would equal gay. I dont checking out dudes or early attraction. I don't hate sex with my wife. I sometimes do feel apprehensive around guys though, like nervous. Yes, a second diagnosis of ocd lately. I will continue to see that therapist. In the meantime I need to settle down and get over this depression and anxiety. Thanks for the analysis.
I'm wondering if your dad's expectations that you were a stud getting laid is a factor in why you don't enjoy sex now? Caveat - This is a hunch on my part, so I'm asking the question to get you to think. ---------- Post added 13th Mar 2017 at 01:22 PM ---------- Enjoyment is a clue but not conclusive. The lack of enjoyment doesn't necessarily equal gay. Enjoyment doesn't necessarily mean straight either. I enjoyed sex with my ex-, though I didn't realize what I was missing until I started having sex with guys. Why you feel apprehensive around guys? I think it's a good idea to let things settle down.
Hi sienna, I am getting anxiety over all this. I don't get turned on by gay sex just a feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach right now. I had high expectations and have been depressed and anxious since I can remember. How do you enjoy sex in that state of mind. Huuuuge anxiety right now. I mean huge. Catastrophising like losing family and living alone in a yucky apartment. Ocd kicking in. I sometimes get anxious around guys that what if I get aroused. Spells anxiety attack. Not turned on. Anxiety attack. Yah going to have to let things cool down. But despair. Thanks
Hi Piston, I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much anxiety over this. I hope that you stick with therapy as treatment for the anxiety, depression, and OCD. I found therapy helpful in addressing my own anxiety. (&&&)
Hey Piston I'm going to jump in here with something that I did when I was coming out to my wife. I was in therapy and I was going over the same stuff over and over. We worked on methods to reduce the anxiety, but I just couldn't let go of a few things. So, with my therapist's approval, I put "gay on hold" for a bit. Instead of picking a date that I would pick it up again I set goals. Mine was to ride my road bike 500 miles then I would allow myself to pick up on the obsession again. It was a comfort to know I was not trying not to think about it...I was just putting off thinking about it. When I met my goal, I picked it up worrying about coming out to my wife again and worked through it. But, this time I was less anxious. I'm not sure if this is a good idea with OCD, but maybe ask your therapist about it. In any case. Right now, take some really deep breaths. Just concentrate on breathing. That will help. Maybe get out and go for a walk or something...that can help.
