Feeling incredibly anxious. Tomorrow night I am going out with a friend for a drink. I have known her for 28 years. This will be my first drink since last summer when I realised I had fallen head over heels in love with a woman and while drunk opened up to her and told her how I felt. It wasn't reciprocated and what followed was and is still the most confusing experience of my life! The reason for my night out tomorrow is to open up to my friend (not THE one) this is my mate... and tell her what I have been going through. She knows there is something wrong, she can tell that I have changed and my excuse upto now is that I think I am going through the change. Last Friday I was feeling quite low and we were texting on and off throughout the evening and she said I should go round for a chat. I didn't feel like I could talk to her about this then but did agree to go out the following week (tomorrow) and I would have a real heart to heart and tell her what is going on. During the week I felt on quite a high. Still coming to terms with these new feelings surging through me and yes at times they do surge. I still feel like I have this extra special power that is waiting to erupt. I have been keeping an eye on the MEETUPS sites to see what is going on there, not quite brave enough to click on the 'I'm going' button yet, but hope to brave it soon. Then this evening, this overwhelming feeling came over me... what am I doing. Am I going to actually say it out loud? Can I get the words out tomorrow and tell my friend that I am 100% sure that I am a lesbian. It flows so easily when I am typing it but I am shitting a brick to imagine how am I going to feel once I say it out loud. At the moment it's like I am in my own little world. It's my secret. I have my little chats on here which is keeping me sane, listening and sharing with some of you made me realise that i'm not going mad and what is happening to me isn't unnatural. In fact for the first time in my life I have never felt so alive and as excited... but then feel so anxious and scared. How can you have so many emotions running through you at the same time? How will that change once I tell her. Is this what is described as 'coming out' ? I think after tomorrow there will be no going back for me. There is no way I can put these feelings back in the box I feel I have opened... to be honest I really don't want to.
All those feelings seem about right. Congrats on your plan to come out to your friend. It sounds like she'll be a good person to confide in. Do you have some incident in the past that she knows about that could point to you being gay? If you asked her to recall it along with any new information you could provide, do you think you could tease it out of her so you don't have to actually blurt out "I'm a lesbian!". That would be my choice but you sound set to burst so you might end up saying it anyways. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
Hi there. I hope it all goes well for you when you talk to your friend. As she's known you for 28 years there's a chance that she already knows and has been waiting for you to tell you. Some people in our lives know before we do. I have recently come to realise that my identity and sexuality is not what I thought it was but it makes sense looking back on my life. I was so happy for the first few days and then it wore off as I felt so alone. Luckily I then found this site and although I'm still nervous and stressed in real life, the sense of belonging and community I have found here has really helped. I'm thinking about coming out to a friend this weekend about the 'new' me. If you ever want to talk, vent or just get something out so it's not festering feel free to message me. I'm a great listener
Please keep us posted on how tomorrow night goes! It sounds like your friend of 28 years is a great first person to come out to (and I would count this as your first step in coming out!) You may take her quite by surprise, but maybe not. As the other poster mentioned sometimes others can sense things before we even understand them ourselves. I have read some of your other posts, and to me, it seems that at this time you are ready to take this step. And that you are ready and excited to continue on this journey, and delve into this new chapter in your life. My guess is that you and your friend will have a great conversation and you will feel your anxiety start to disappear as soon as you say the words. I think tomorrow night will be a very positive experience. I felt relieved and somehow just generally calmer after I came out to my first person (my brother.) But I sure did have all those emotions you are going through now leading up to it! All the best to you
Jackiescutt17, I'm so excited for you! I was so scared but it felt so good when I told my friend. I hope you will feel the same sense of relief and empowerment. I'm happy for you. Good luck!!
It's out! And OMG Bluenote I do feel so much better. Thank you all so much, I read your posts before I went out and it gave me the courage to actually follow through and tell her! I admit that several drinks helped too. We went to a pub that had a live band. She could see I didn't like it as I didn't take off my coat and sat on the edge of the chair. We had one drink and moved on. The next pub we went in was full of men... we stood by the bar and looked at each other and laughed, there was only one woman there. Not that it mattered but it made us laugh. We came straight out. Too bright and nowhere to sit. We found a pub I didn't even know was there. I have lived in this area for many years but never go into the town at night, this one had a great atmosphere. It took ages to get served, she was chatting away and I was just thinking on how to bring into the conversation what I wanted to tell her. We were buying 2 drinks at a time to save from waiting so long. I knew once I started I would need to be relaxed so the drinks went down quite quickly. After some normal conversation she asked 'well, how are you' I knew this would have to be it but I couldn't say it. So skirted away from her question by talking about something else. She knew I was avoiding. Before we knew it the pub was closing and we left. We live about 2 miles from the pub, her nearer than me. We decided to walk home. She asked me again how I was and there it was... I said to her "not good" and I said "make me talk to you" She got really worried, she asked if I was ill! SO I said I am just going to say it and then you can ask me... and please ask me as many questions as you want! I put my hands over my face while I was saying it... I don't know why. "Last year I fell head over heels in love with someone... and I have realised that I have never honestly felt love like it. In fact I do not think I have ever been in love before" Then I took my hands away and said to her that it wasn't with a man! She gave me the biggest hug ever and said, oh Jackie... why didn't you tell me before! She was lovely, I wasn't going to tell her everything but on the walk home we talked, sobbed, talked and I told her every little detail from start to finish. It felt like a rock had been lifted off my chest. We walked back to her house and had a few more drinks. We took turns at listening to our favourite songs like we were teenagers again and we chatted till 4am! She even opened up more to me about things, stuff that surprised me. I didn't think our friendship could be any stronger than it was but I feel now there is NOTHING that we could not talk about. I even admitted to watching porn, that my libido was surging non stop, fantasies of being with this woman I fell for, looking at her photo all the time. I even showed her a photo... everything that I have shared on here came out! She just listened and gave me lots of hugs and warm smiles. She actually understood all of it. It was so late I couldn't have walked home so she said to stay. I slept in her bed and we chatted some more till we fell asleep, i'm not sure who fell asleep first. I'm home now and having a lay down after a cuppa and a paracetomol. She isn't one for socialising that much but she said that she really needed that night out, that it did her the world of good too, to get some things off her chest. She has said that she would like to come to one of the MEETUPS with me. Again, a bit of a surprise for me...i'm wondering if more from this night is going to emerge? I think even she is looking forward to it too. I am going to have a nap now. Even with my new found energy at 52 I do feel the results of a 4am finish. I so wish we could all meet up... I told my friend last night about the support you are all giving me. I would never have thought that I would feel such a connection to all of you on here, you have all really helped getting me to this point, and I hope you will all be around for a long time to come. I thank my lucky stars that I found this site. If I had not of explored the internet that night when I joined this site, I think I would be in a much darker place now! xxx ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2017 at 01:59 PM ---------- NerdbyNature... how is your weekend going? Did you have your chat with your friend? And I think your description 'The new me' is so right. My friend last night looked at me and said exactly that... she said, this is when the NEW YOU happened isn't it? And it was. And I love the community on here. And I would love to chat with you more but I don't think private messages are allowed. Have you been on - www. lavender visions. com/ someone recommended that to me and they are lovely too - same name there for me
Hurray! Jackiescutt17, I am so happy for you. I can feel your relief of having unburdened your secret. When you say it felt like a rock lifted off your chest - that's exactly how I felt too. Sounds like it was a perfect evening of talking and sharing,just what you needed. Enjoy your cuppa and be proud of yourself. You did good, girl!
XX Thanks Bluenote xx I think the ball is definitely on a roll. A friend messaged me this morning as earlier on in the evening I shared a photo of my alcoholic drink to my friends on facebook... I normally drink lime and soda and it's a joke now when I say I am going out for a drink as I don't really drink and my friends always wind me up about my drink choice (in a funny way) So another friend this morning text asking what the occasion was? I really felt comfortable enough to tell her! The block has gone. I said the word outloud last night for the first time and was even making jokes about it. But I am sticking to my plan. No one else is going to know until I actually go out and start making some new friends. This morning I have clicked the 'going to button' on 2 of the MEETUP events in the group I signed up to. My friend has said she will come along with me, she also said she doesn't want to cramp my style hahaha. She said she can see a different person in me. I said I don't think I have a style and I just want to go along to meet up with ladies in the same position as me. I thought of what she said 'a different person' - Not a different person, this is the real person. I think she's just been a bit busy and hiding. So, end of March and end of April dates booked. One is a wine/coffee/cake place that has artwork on display. The group gets the use of the restaurant area for the evening. And the April one is music and drinks/dancing. Not totally brave enough to be near home yet though. These meetings are about an hours drive away. But out of all the groups that were on the MEETUP site, this one seemed to suit me more. Youngest person is 35 and the oldest in their group is 70+. I did sign up on a dating site. That was at the beginning... while I was looking through internet pages trying to find something, but not sure what. I found empty closets and have really just stuck to coming on here. I haven't put a pic on their site, but I do seem to have an icon on there somewhere, as I am getting messages. Bit strange as they don't know what I look like! Not paid anything, I just seem to have this limited use. I can see people that apparently match me. I don't intend to go down that route. I don't have any problem with it and a few of my friends have met their hubbys on them but I feel a bit like it's a catalogue looking through picking what you want. I sound awful saying that don't I? I may even change my mind at some stage. I think i'm hoping that if I do meet someone it's more of a social meeting than arranged. I will admit there were a couple of nice faces on those pages though! Why I bought the dating site up was that some of the people on there are quite young. Especially young lesbian women that have their age group set from liking other women between 18 - 70? I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone too young. Even 35 is so young. It's only a couple of years older than my eldest son! What are your thoughts on age? The lady I fell for was older than me, and I do seem to be attracted to my age and above.
Things seem to be moving on a-pace for you, Jackiescutt17. I am so glad you seem so joyful with your discovery about yourself. I am more ambivalent about mine, as there are going to be negative repercussions all round, because I'm at the wrong stage of life for all this I guess. I have just bought myself a little lgbt bracelet, for a tenner, made of coloured crystals - it is pretty and doesn't seem alien to my personal sense of style - and if I can muster the courage I will wear it outside the house! Is it silly of me to do this? It seems like I am trying to get comfortable with my new sense of self. Do you mind me asking what dating site you have signed up to? It might, at some later stage, actually be relevant to me. You talk about how big a gap you would entertain for a relationship. Like you, I appear to prefer someone in my own age group (the woman I fell for is 5 years older than me) - I guess someone reasonably close in age is more likely to be at the same life stage...
I am in no rush to tell anyone else. I am just happy that I actually feel connected to something. That I am feeling good about myself. What happened to me isn't an illness... it's not wrong or weird or perverse. The woman I fell for even said that you can't help who you fall for, or the feelings you have. These are all natural. I put before that I had always thought I would remain on my own but now I am open to a relationship, if it happens. I am not sure how my boys will take it. 2 of them I think will be fine, not sure on the youngest one and my 22 year old I think will just not want to discuss it. A couple of friends that I have known for a long time have, over the last year have surprised me with certain comments. One friend said once when we were watching a programme about a man transitioning to a woman, "I don't get how they can change like that... weird to me" Another I joked with once about her getting a girl friend seemed disgusted. So I do think when and if I do decide to come out properly there will be a few very awkward moments. I didn't know there were bracelets. I don't like any sort of jewelry, never have. I don't think it's silly to want to wear it... is it worn just by gay people or does anyone wear them. Sorry for being a bit thick on the bracelet thing but I wouldn't have even noticed them on sale anywhere as I said, I really don't like it. I can only say how I feel and what I say isn't in anyway advice as only you can decide what you want to do, how you are going to move forward. How fast you are going to move forward. I think the first thing we all need to do is be comfortable with ourselves. Before this all happened to you were you happy, content, or had the feeling you were missing something? What do you want now? Do you want to carry on in the life you have or do you want more? You said about repercussions because of being at the wrong stage of life? When would a good or right stage be? I'm 52. 4 grown kids and I kept thinking I was being an old fool. But after talking to my friend she made me realise that it is never too late and you are never too old. But if I don't try I will never know and life is far too short. Same for you. It is obvious from how you typed that last entry that you are trying to keep everyone else happy by not causing any negative repercussions... what about your happiness. Are you going to sacrifice the chance of being happy to keep everyone else happy xxxx I think now that there are other women out there that think and feel like I do. Even if going to some of these meetings mean I just gain a couple of new friends then I will be happy. I'm not 'walking in the club' to pick anyone up. I'm just getting to know people but if something happens and if I was ever to be in a position again like I was when I fell for 'her' then I am going to grab it with both hands and everyone will just have to deal with it. Those people have their lives and they will live them. You owe it to yourself to live yours and no matter what age you are you deserve to do that. The meetings I am going to are in Brighton. Not sure if you know that area. I can share the link on here if you are interested xxxxx ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2017 at 10:24 PM ---------- The site I mentioned for the dating was Pink Cupid
Wow, jackiescutt17! I believe you are this week's Coming Out winner. Well done. To you and Peterpangirl, here's my 2 cents about the bracelets. At last year's Pride Festival here, they were handing out free rainbow coloured silicone bands. You know the ones used by different causes or for advertising. I took one but wasn't sure I'd ever wear it. For one thing, I don't like rainbow anything other than actual rainbows. And I wasn't ready, at that point, to "advertise". Anyway, a few months after that, I decided maybe I was ready to "advertise" so after giving myself a pep talk, "What's the worst that could happen?" sort of thing, I put it on. But on my ankle. I was already wearing a couple of others there. (This will become relevant later.) Well, guess what? Nobody noticed/said anything. I run multiple times a week with a group that I know includes at least one lesbian. I've been wearing it for months now and it wasn't until last week that this girl asked me if I was wearing more ankle bands than usual. I felt she might have asked about the rainbow one but the conversation turned to one of the others so nothing came of it. I'm not going to say that LGBT jewelry is useless at being a conversation starter but I'd wager it's not as affective as one might hope BUT I will say that wearing it does make you feel like you've taken a step in the right direction as far as being comfortable with yourself and the chance that somebody might engage with you because you're LGBT. P.S. You want to be careful about sharing info that will lead back to the "real" you via other sites. It's verboten.
whoops didn't think. I can't seem to edit it now either. I will be more careful. thanks for the reminder Really. I do get carried away while typing my posts x
Jackie, (!) Glad it went well and that your first experience coming out to someone was so positive! It sounds like it was a night of sharing(on both sides) and connecting at a very real level! There is one quote I have (I'm unsure of author) that I think you might like too, it seems to illustrate the journey so many of us are taking here on EC. 'Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.' Not sure if that's exactly it, but it's something close. I just think it's really simple, but packed with insight!
I love this story! I went through the same motions, came out to a friend and the same thing happened. We became extremely close, sister-like, and we were already really close prior. Your night sounds way more fun, with the drinks and whatnot. Congrats!
Hey Jackie. I did tell me friend earlier today and she was fine with it, she even gave me her opinion on some of the gender neutral names I've been thinking about. I'm hoping that the next time I go to the Gay Village in Manchester I won't feel so out of place and a fraud now I know my truth. I'm not sure when it comes to age as people never look their age these days. I still don't really feel like a grown up even though I'm now past 40. I guess some of my interests lean towards younger women I guess I would prefer maturity over age. Saying that I might have an issue if someone was young enough they could be my biological child (if you know what I mean)
Moonsparkle, I love that quote x I totally totally love it. I have never enjoyed writing anything. You can tell by how I write these entries. I was never a great reader. I always wanted to be up and out and doing something. I don't think I have ever typed as much as I have been putting on the EC pages. Sitting, reading and replying to the posts on here has opened another side up in me. You are all so brilliant at putting your thoughts and expressions into words. Everytime I read something I feel another connection in what has been put. An understanding of something else. Empathy, sadness... a wanting to make someone else feel better. That quote sums it up beautifully. I think I am becoming the original me, someone that should have been allowed to develop years ago. It's been bottled up, hidden, suppressed and ignored and I think that is why I am feeling so powerful now as I for the first time in years I really don't care what anyone else thinks about me. Things I think of now are making me smile... before Friday night that didn't happen. I was in Sainsburys Saturday night and a woman passed me. I smelt her first. I walked off quickly. This was something new?? I was buying forbidden food lol. I'm off diet this weekend and am eating as many carbs as I can cram in before getting back to normal Monday. In the next isle I was just deciding on a mini pork pie or a medium one. She was next to me. Actually quite close. I can't explain what I felt. I walked off quickly and just wanted to laugh outloud. This woman had no idea that there was this woman holding a pork pie, having these thoughts come into her head about her. I put in a text later to my friend that this is what it must feel like to be a sexual predator... where did those choice of words come from??? It was so good to be able to text her and to share what I felt. This is the reply I got..." OMG that is so funny... sexual predator?? I don't think looking counts hahaha. You have kept this bottled up for so long. you must have felt like a champagne bottle ready to burst... That must have been so hard. I'm glad you shared and i'm always here if you want to chat. I don't think this woman would have any idea about your thoughts... " And yep... bottled up. It was making me ill... I now feel like I have moved along the game board a space and i'm waiting to take my next turn. Defo no going back. I don't want to. NerdByNature. I hope you are not feeling as lonely now? I know that feeling but it's shifted a bit for me this weekend now that I have shared. Do you feel a bit more in control. Do you think the next time you go out you may do more than window shop (like me in sainsburys) or try and make a connection with someone? Another good quote there too... no one can make you feel inferior unless you let them. OMG I actually feel the need to read? I feel like I need to soak stuff up... really feel like I have missed out on so much. I had my first child quite early. 19. I loved being a mum it was everything to me and will never regret how my life went but there was definitely something lost along the way. YeahpIdk it's actually a phenomenal feeling. I am now openly sharing my thoughts with her and she is so marvellous at understanding how I feel. She is so good with words and has totally helped me be at ease. I never had someone before that I could be so honest with. I told her things about my last year that I thought would be my secret forever. Things that were making me ill... things I thought a 52 year old woman should not do. Looking on lesbian porn sights questioning is that was what I wanted. To be honest I think most of those sites are for men and some actually made me laugh. I was not uncomfortable watching them though! I would Just type 'lesbian' into the search bar to see what came up. Part joining dating sights just to see what other women were doing and putting in their 'about me sections' That made me realise how many lonely women are out there and how hard it seems to be even in this day and age to be who you are. I was told about the meetup site by someone online... I would not have found it? I typed 'lesbian' in there and now have the next dice roll for my board game. Not sure if I would be brave enough to go on my own though. I know brave isn't the right description but my friend is coming with me... my ice breaker. Peterpangirl. How are you today. I am thinking of you and hope that soon you can begin to feel better. I have been thinking of you a lot and wish I was able to write something to make you feel better. It is good to be anonymous but sometimes talking to someone real, sitting next to you is the best therapy isn't it. I hope you have that xx
Hey Jackie. No windowshopping for me. As a socially awkward asexual there is no way I would 3ver approach anyone. But yes I am feeling a little better and hopefully won't panic if a woman ever comes over to me. Right now friendship plus hugs would be perfect for me. Think now would be a good starting point for me to work on my depression and anxiety
Well we are all in the right place to help each other with all of that on here. I find myself logging on more and more to catch up. My Facebook has been very quiet lately. I spend far more time on here. Always here for a chat if needed x
Thanks, Jackiescutt17. Best thing to do so to love ourselves, flaws, twists, turns and all. You appear very accepting of your new self-knowledge, which is great. I have dipped in and out of denial and acceptance for months. Feel I am mainly at a place of (reluctant) acceptance now. Still working on it. X
