50 and just realised I'm gay

sassenB · Mar 15, 2017

Hi,

I discovered this forum when a Google search turned up this post.

Originally posted by Chip:
OK, so you like watching gay porn, presumably you masturbate to porn with guys having sex, which presumably turns you on and excites you... and you look at guys and find them hot.

These are not the actions of someone who is straight
Click to expand...

This occurred to me too, and is why I first questioned if I might be gay a couple of months ago. It was only last weekend, that I finally concluded that yes, I must be gay. I thought I was joining this forum to make absolutely sure that I'm gay, and that it's not a mistake, but I think I've already decided and now just want to document my story.

When I was young, all I wanted to do was fit in, and I have always felt that there is something different about me. I had very few friends up until I was around 10, then classes changed round at school and I finally started hanging around with a small crowd of friends. By the time I was 17 I had lots of friends, and hung around in a huge crowd, but still felt like I was trying to fit in.

I had had a girlfriend for a few months when I was 16, but we ended up being just friends. I "broke off" our "relationship" because I didn't think it was what I wanted. My next girlfriend who was part of my crowd of friends, only lasted a couple of weeks. We remained friends after, and still fancied each other, but she just didn't want to go out with me. I had a few one-night "flings" with a few other girls, most of whom were also part of my crowd of friends, but none of them went anywhere. The problem was that while kissing and cuddling was ok, physical contact beyond that felt awkward on my part. Still, I felt attracted to pretty girls, and thought I wanted a long-term relationship, but the physical desire was always lacking on my part.

After I was 21 or so, we started doing different things and making new friends. A few of my male friends started going clubbing, purely in pursuit of women, and somehow I could never bring myself to join them. I started my own business when I was 22 and became something of a workaholic, and mostly restricted my socializing to hanging around with a group of mostly male friends.

The years flew by, and I gave up looking for a partner altogether. I came up with all sorts of reason why that might be, but not once did I imagine I could be gay. Even though from my late thirties onwards, I developed crushes on a few young guys that I employed, and looking back, now wonder if that's why I gave them their jobs. However probably because this was limited to just a few guys, all of whom were in their early twenties at the time and so much younger than me, the thought I might be gay still never occurred to me, although I thought perhaps I might be perverted or something. Instead of thinking about it, I tried not to. (My company was put into liquidation after it lost most of its business around the time of the financial crash, and I've been working on a self-employed basis and haven't employed anyone since.)

I have never been interested in straight pornography; always found it to be boring. I thought I just didn't like porn, period, until I came across a male porn video on X-tube a few months ago. I think it was the positions the guys are shown in, in the screenshot, which encouraged me to click on the video, and I was surprised at how much I liked it. I had glimpsed some male porn before, but it was all "muscle-bound hunk" stuff, which I still don't really like. Still, I didn't question whether I might be gay, because it was only one video, but I found myself going back again and again to watch it. Then just a couple of months ago I started searching the internet for more gay male porn, and found I could watch it for hours on end - just so long as it looks passionate. I now never go for more than a couple of days without watching some. It was because of this sharp contrast to my reaction to straight porn, that I finally asked myself if I might be gay. My mind could not seem to invent any other reason.

I don't really think there can be any doubt, and should perhaps be surprised that it took me so long to realize. Although when I was younger, I don't think I would have even entertained the notion that I might be gay, as I wanted to "fit in" by having a conventional lifestyle, or at least I thought I did.

When I worked out that I must be gay last weekend, and could finally say it to myself, I felt elated, and calm, after an outpouring of emotions. I finally realized that the "normal" life that had been eluding me, wasn't for me to begin with. After all these years living as someone who I thought I was, but wasn't, I can finally live as the person I am. When I think back on my life, being gay makes it all fall into place.

I noticed an immediate difference in how I relate to people. I haven't "come out" to anyone yet, but what a huge difference it is viewing the world from a gay perspective. It's hard to put into words, but I always felt there was a barrier between myself and possible female partners. Now that I no longer view any women as possible partners, the barrier is not there.

It is hard for me to willingly view other men in a sexual context - outwith porn videos - as it's something I'm just not used to doing. Any guys I have had crushes on, it has happened because I have noticed that I am attracted to them as people - whereas I was attracted to females because they are female; I hope that makes sense.

I've always kept fit and healthy, and am pretty much the same shape as I was in my early twenties. I now feel a strong desire to meet gay people, and hopefully develop something with someone I like. Having seen passion between gay men on video, I really want some. I'm lucky to live in a city where there are a few gay bars, and went to one for the first time yesterday. However I was too early and it didn't open for another hour, so I chickened out and went home.

I don't like talking about what I intend to do, so will stop there, as that's my story up until now.

Lexington · Mar 15, 2017

Welcome to the team, Al. You've now come out to the most important person - yourself.

Lex

Worker Bee · Mar 15, 2017

Hey BigAl. Welcome to EC! You've discovered the real you. I hope you find your way through the door soon. Coming out to yourself is the first step, there's no need to come out to anyone else until you are ready.

I am sure passion is out there waiting for you!

OnTheHighway · Mar 15, 2017

Lots of self reflection. Seems like your definitely at the beginning of putting all the pieces together - welcome to your journey of self actualisation!

I think you will find EC a great place to share your experiences as well as learn from others.

Take your time adjusting to your new found self, there is still much to learn about yourself.

Good luck!

musicheals315 · Mar 15, 2017

So I've had a lot of self-doubt in realizing I was gay later in life, though younger than you are now, I still have trouble relating to the more commonly found stories of coming out. Your story though reminds me so much of my own, the wanting to fit it, and having attractions to people of the opposite gender, but never feeling quite comfortable with the intimate part of those relationships. You're definitely not alone! Welcome to EC

I'm gay · Mar 16, 2017

Hey BigAl,

Welcome to EC! I'm glad you found us. It definitely seems like you're in the right place.

Some of us here share your experience of discovering attraction to people of your same gender at a later point in life. Others, like me, are well aware of their same-sex attractions early in life, but repress these feelings and begin a journey of self-acceptance over shame that often takes many years. In my case, it took until last year, at 47 years old.

No matter when you discover that you are gay, coming out to yourself is really the beginning of the journey. And so it was for me as well. So, I want to congratulate you for reaching that place of self-acceptance.

I do want to suggest to you that porn has given you a rather distorted view of being gay. Even the most "real" porn is still being performed in front of a camera. You will also likely find some sexual acts that turn you on when watched on video aren't necessarily the ones you will enjoy doing in real life, and vice-versa.

Gay porn was my only "gay" outlet during my almost three decades of hetero dating and marriage, so after I came out of the closet I realized that being gay to me was primarily sexual in nature, and I never really thought about it terms of relationships. Guys to me might as well have been largely faceless robots with penises. It took a while for my head to adjust how I view men, and discovering real attraction to the whole person, most especially his personality, energy, intelligence, character, and so many other non-sexual elements of people. Oh, and the penis too. :lol:

As you continue on this journey, remind yourself that you've been watching actors on a stage, and to ditch the expectations you've learned from porn. No video I have ever seen has captured the incredible feeling I've experienced cuddling with a guy.

I want to wish you great success in your journey ahead, and however you move forward in your life, I hope you can do so with love, integrity, and authenticity.

Take care. ride:

Zen fix · Mar 16, 2017

Welcome to EC BigAl. Congratulations on discovering this about yourself. Good luck in your search.

TBD · Mar 16, 2017

Congratulations!

My new LGBT shrink told me whatever people masterbate to is the easiest litmus test.

In my experience, after coming out to me, I found myself unbundling things I had compartmentalized. It's been a mixed bag. Sometimes I can see I had tried coming out, but let myself get talked out of it. At other times, I've been grieved at what might have been or how I handled things; but its never too late to have a happy childhood, although the toys are bound to be more expensive.

Congrats too on being Scottish and keeping yourself fit. Over here, just speaking with a Scot accent will have men rolling onto their backs and grabbing their ankles; so use your superhero powers for good. ;^D

mnguy · Mar 17, 2017

Welcome to EC, BigAL, and good for you taking the steps to be more fully you. I really like this part of your post, "I finally realized that the "normal" life that had been eluding me, wasn't for me to begin with. After all these years living as someone who I thought I was, but wasn't, I can finally live as the person I am. When I think back on my life, being gay makes it all fall into place." It reminded me of different things I've been reading about how we suffer when we resist what "is". We can work to change some things but other things are out of our control and either way we should accept what is in this moment. I was resisting my sexuality, maybe more so trying to ignore it for a long time and it wasn't healthy and I remained stuck. I'm trying to be more open and accepting of it in hopes life will flow more naturally and I'll feel better. Your situation was different in that you didn't realize you were gay until recently, but that's what came to mind when I read that part. I wish you all the best on your journey!

Contented · Mar 17, 2017

Big Al like you I recently came to terms with being gay in my 50's. You have come to the right place. On EC you find a sympathetic ear, spirited debate, vast experience in these issues but best of all a safe environment to explore your real sexuality. I can say self admitting my homosexuality has been an emotional and intellectual roller coaster ride both
thrilling and scary at the same time . I would not change it for the world. Good luck as you become the gay man you were meant to be!We are all of together on this ride of a lifetime��

pasinhose · Mar 19, 2017

Fascinating as it almost mirrors what I went through. Al, you're not alone. The hardest person to come out to is yourself. It took me years. I can't imagine not being a gay man now.

sassenB · Apr 14, 2017

Hi everyone, and thanks for the warm welcome. After realising and accepting I was gay, I realised a strong desire to go out and meet other gay men - which I have never felt with women. By contrast, thinking back to when I was in my early twenties (when I had no realisation that I might be gay) the thought of going out to meet women as potential sexual partners, terrified me.

So I looked up the internet for gay bars, and went out the next Friday, to two gay bars, with the idea that I would just have a drink in each to get used to being in gay bars. I feel drawn to go out and meet gay men, in a way that I have never felt with women. Tonight I kissed another man for the first time, and surprised myself at how proactive I was in that regard. He came over to talk to me and was trying to pick me up, evidently looking for a sexual partner for tonight. I tried to talk him into getting to know each other better, but he wasn't having it, and I was trying to tell him that going back to his place or my place was "too soon" for me. After 50 years of not realising I'm gay, jumping into bed with the first gay guy that asks, after 10 minutes of conversation, somehow seems "too soon." He didn't believe me when I tried to tell him that I had only just discovered I am gay. I did get his phone number though.

After he left, presumably to look for someone else, I struck up a conversation with another guy who was standing next to me at the bar. I spoke to him for a good while, told him my story, and he filled me on a lot of stuff, much of which may not be suitable for discussing on this forum. He was the first person with whom I have ever had a conversation about being gay. He is a "regular" at the bar (although wasn't drinking alcohol), and also introduced me to one of his friends.

I am ecstatic about how things are turning out.

CharacterStudy · Apr 16, 2017

Nice one pal. Well done and don't fret about figuring it out fairly late - someone who works on a helpline once told me they'd had 80 year olds figuring it out! So, spring chicken, really.

Chip · Apr 16, 2017

Hi, Al, and welcome to EC! You're definintely in the right place, and you've already made some incredible strides.

You're far from alone in figuring yourself out late. There are lots of us who didn't figure out until 20s, 30s 40s... even 60s and 70s. That may sound unfathomable to some, but it is absolutely the case. I think for most it's a combination of "never really occurred" and denial. Though... in nearly all of those cases (as in yours) you can look back to various things, like the people you hired, and sort of go "D'oh."

It sounds like you're taking some awesome steps forward and seems like it's pretty comfortable for you. One thing I might suggest is to see if there are social (non-bar) activities you might consider. I don't know how big Meetup.com is in your area, but here in the US it's pretty large, and in metropolitan areas, you can often find movie nights, sports or bowling leagues, board game or potluck dinner groups... all sorts of different groups focused on gay or LGBT people. That's a good option to just meet and talk; as you've discovered the bar scene tends to be very hookup focused, and if you are seeking authentic connection, you may end up getting hurt because the majority of people there aren't looking for relationships.

One other thing: You mentioned things that your friend filled you in on... and for the most part, it is fine to discuss fairly graphic details here. We talk about masturbation, sexual practices, problems, and all sorts of other things. The key is, our focus is on education, information and support, so while we have very graphic discussions some times, they are never "war stories" or written with any sort of erotic intent (we delete those pretty quickly). Outside of that, we are a great resource to talk about most any sort of issue you'd have a concern about.

Again, welcome, and I hope you'll stick around!

Cool Bananas · Apr 24, 2017

Welcome to EC, great website.
I probably took until I was 36 until I realized I was attracted to men, and I have met others who were in the 60s before the penny dropped.
Another suggestion for meetup.com, it will depend on your city but can be worthwhile for gay meetups.
Some people can be very quick to want to get you into bed, some you just have to say thanks but no thanks.

Harley46 · Apr 28, 2017

Hi

I read your post and it gave me the motivation to sign up.
You seem to be in a very similar position to me, in that we are
starting to accept ourselves. Scary and exciting times eh?

I feel like its time to start exploring new avenues
in my life.

Patty · May 2, 2017

Big Al - I just turned 50 and I just came out. I knew years ago, but tried to suppress it. I'm glad you decided to just go for it. (I need some encouragement in that area.) Happy for you!

sassenB · Jun 5, 2017

Hello again. It's nice to "meet" you all.

The guy I mentioned kissing in my last post, gave me his cold. That kept me away from the bar for the next couple of weeks. He may not have cared about passing it on, but I did.

The first weekend I went back to the bar I was picked up by another guy. He was far more considerate, and we went to a (gay) club to get to know each other better, before I decided to go back to his. The first night and following morning, we had sex a total of 4 times. That's how much we liked it! I spent more time with him over the next few weeks, and experienced what he described as "companionship" (and I think Chip is referring to as "authentic connection") as well as sex, but found myself fancying (some) other guys, more than I fancied him. So I broke it off (whatever it was we had), as I was starting to feel sort of attached. My main concern at the time was that he might have felt hurt, because he seemed keener on me that I was on him.

Later that evening (last Friday), I met an attractive 28 year old guy in the same bar, and had sex with him that night. We exchanged phone numbers but I'll consider myself lucky to see him again, so won't feel in the least bit hurt if I don't.

I am continuing to do whatever I take a notion to do, and finding out what I want, through my experiences. So I think I can say that at this stage, a relationship isn't what I'm looking for.

I am posting this not so much because I want to talk about myself, but to try to encourage others who may find themselves in the same situation, to just go for it. There's not a moment to lose.

Quantumreality · Jun 5, 2017

Hey BigAl,

Welcome to EC!

I'm so happy that you are finally able to be your real self!

I would offer a couple words of caution though. First, I would hope that you are having safe sex. There are some excellent posts related to safe gay sex and STIs/STDs in the Resources section here on EC.

Second, when we discover our sexuality later in life, we often experience a 'second adolescence' and all we want to do is immerse ourselves in the culture that we've been separated from all our lives. I would strongly advise you to step back and evaluate your life from time to time to make sure that you aren't losing yourself - after all your sexuality is only part of who you really are, even though right now it may seem like the most important part. The ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine realized his sexuality in his mid-40's while he was married with two kids. After he Came Out, he and his wife divorced and then he moved in with my friend. They were together for 10 years, but the guy totally lost himself in the worst aspects of gay culture: promiscuous sex, heavy drinking (alcohol), and using drugs. He became a personal wreck (messed up his health with the drinking and drugs) and lost his high-paying job in a prestigious company - as well as losing my friend as his boyfriend because he wouldn't get help.

So, just some cautionary thoughts.

But, I wish you all the best with your new-found sense of self!

Imjustjulien · Jun 6, 2017

As was picked up by someone else above "When I think back on my life, being gay makes it all fall into place." is uncanny how true a statement that it.

Your story reads in many parts like a checklist. Well done for getting here. EC is like home base, and for me in the few short months Ive been here, one becomes welcomed and aware 'that while a virtual word world' you're not alone.Far from it...lets face it men are 50% of the population, and as 5% is sometimes said to the gay percentage - whether or way off - there are alot of us. How beautiful....the emerging new norm in the world - though one should not sudduced into romaticising the reality...for to do so would be naive and even dangerous in some quarters.

As for all the little cues along the way, however long we've been chewing over our sexuality, consciously or otherwise, it becomes a certain a no brainer - and a most pleasant surprise to find that one has been all the way along 'gay' - whatever that might materialise as for each of us.

What I love is that you, me, everyone here who have posted - we like men, we are turned on by men, we like the shape of their buttocks, the thought of cupping their genitals, of things together that only blokes can do and understand, of a male cameraderie of a homosexual kind, which if heterosexual one realises just doesnt compute.

As you oberved, what was thought to be normal turns out to be someone else's take....while for someone who likes the same sex - normal is just that. Boys will be boys.

Welcome to EC, and thank you for coming. Your experience kindly shared is a joy to read and nod yes yes too.

50 and just realised I'm gay

sassenB
Regular Member

Lexington
Full Member

Worker Bee
Full Member

OnTheHighway
Full Member

musicheals315
Full Member

I'm gay
Full Member

Zen fix
Regular Member

TBD
Regular Member

mnguy
Full Member

Contented
Full Member

pasinhose
Full Member

sassenB
Regular Member

CharacterStudy
Regular Member

Chip
Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

Cool Bananas
Full Member

Harley46
Regular Member

Patty
Regular Member

sassenB
Regular Member

Quantumreality
Regular Member

Imjustjulien
Full Member

50 and just realised I'm gay

Thread Tools

sassenB Regular Member

Lexington Full Member

Worker Bee Full Member

OnTheHighway Full Member

musicheals315 Full Member

I'm gay Full Member

Zen fix Regular Member

TBD Regular Member

mnguy Full Member

Contented Full Member

pasinhose Full Member

sassenB Regular Member

CharacterStudy Regular Member

Chip Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

Cool Bananas Full Member

Harley46 Regular Member

Patty Regular Member

sassenB Regular Member

Quantumreality Regular Member

Imjustjulien Full Member

sassenB
Regular Member

Lexington
Full Member

Worker Bee
Full Member

OnTheHighway
Full Member

musicheals315
Full Member

I'm gay
Full Member

Zen fix
Regular Member

TBD
Regular Member

mnguy
Full Member

Contented
Full Member

pasinhose
Full Member

sassenB
Regular Member

CharacterStudy
Regular Member

Chip
Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

Cool Bananas
Full Member

Harley46
Regular Member

Patty
Regular Member

sassenB
Regular Member

Quantumreality
Regular Member

Imjustjulien
Full Member