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when or how to tell someone you're dating that you're bi

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tninivah, Mar 16, 2017.

  1. tninivah

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    Hello all!

    Newbie here, first time posting.

    I've been bi most of my adult life but very selective on who I tell. I told my ex-wife but I didn't act on it during my marriage and it wasn't an issue in our marriage, she left me.
    I've been divorced about two years now and have become more open with my sexuality. Lately I've been on dates with both men and women. I've had a hard time figuring out when is a good time to tell women that I'm interested in that I'm bi. I'm finding that heterosexual women who claim to be open and supportive of my sexuality are the first ones to drop me for that exact reason!!

    Is this common or do other bi men have problems dating hetero women? It's to the point that I'm considering not saying at all. I know that's kinda deceitful but I'd like the lady get to know me before dumping me immediately at the beginning. When I'm with someone I will be with that person. I don't "need" to be with both sexes at the same time.

    Thanks
     
  2. dirtyshirt84

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    Hey

    I'm a Bi woman but have experienced the same kind of problem you are having.

    I told my husband a couple months after meeting him, I think it was on a drunken night out which I probably wouldn't recommend :wink: I have previously had a relationship with a woman and I didn't want him to find that out from anyone else. I knew he was very LGBT friendly anyway as he has a gay friend and used to help out the LGBT society at University even though he is straight. My husband asked lots of questions but had always pretty cool and supportive about it.

    To be honest I think it's quite a good test of a person. Would you really want to be with someone whose reaction is bad? Who had a problem with it? Even if you have got to know then well for months before you tell them it might not make a difference to how they feel about it and how they react.

    I can see that due to society's attitudes men might be more accepting of Bi women rather than the other way around. I suppose for both there is the fear the person might leave them for the other gender or be unfaithful which of course is no more likely than in a Herero relatuonship.
     
  3. Nickw

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    Hi

    This is a tough one. I am bi and was married 30 years before disclosing it to my wife. She is more than cool with it now...sort of likes it.

    I did ask her if I would have let her know while we were dating if she would have married me. She said she honestly didn't know. But, we met in the early 80's and AIDS was something that was not understood and greatly feared...so there was a lot of stigma with gay men.

    I'm trying to be an open bisexual now. But, I get a lot of comments of disbelief from my gay friends. A lot of gay men see bisexual as a transition (I tell them I am not going straight any time soon). And, my wife does admit that she worries maybe I will discover I am gay not bi. I think that there is still a lot of societal disapproval of bisexuals...and bisexual men even more than women.

    The thing is. You don't really have a choice to keep this a secret. Ultimately, this sort of secret will be a big problem in a long term relationship...I learned this. Maybe not on the first date or even the second. But, once you get to know each other, I think it is responsible to disclose your sexuality before you get too far along.
     
    #3 Nickw, Mar 17, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2017
  4. WMM

    WMM
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    Bisexual people are promiscuous. That's what my wife says is the first thing people think.

    Mary is bisexual, been out for 25 years, and seen a lot of reactions. She says the first one is the assumption she's easy.

    She doesn't help the situation at all because in her case for the right girl my wife is easy. Mary does not do the monogamy thing well. She believes bisexual people should not have to be constrained to one sex for a sex partner any more than she should have to choose between being straight or lesbian.

    While most bisexual people believe in monogamy, the issue is there are a lot of them who think like my wife. She says she is bisexual, so people who don't want to practice their bisexuality after finding a partner should come up with some new alphabet soup. Personally I often just call her a practicing bisexual. She says she ain't practicing, buster! Practicing as in a doctor practicing?

    She drives me crazy, but I love her.

    It's such a common idea, that bisexual women won't settle down, it taints every conversation.
     
    #4 WMM, Mar 17, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2017
  5. afgirl

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    Well, if it works for y'all, that's great. And it doesn't seem as though she is settled down (but I don't think you want that anyway). I have no need to be with multiple partners and completely believe in monogamy in a committed relationship. There are no clear definitions here. It's what works for you. Period.