Hi there friends, I haven't posted in a while because so much is happening right now in my life, that's a post for another time... lots of updates in store for another post. But at the moment, I'm really happy to have a chance to sit still and write about something I've been reflecting on in the background while I'm moving forward with things. I've shared with you all some questions I have about my gender, and of course you've all been with me on my journey with my sexuality. I think I'm starting to puzzle out a lot of the things that have made sexuality so muddled over the years, realising part of the reason I've come out so late in life, and I am starting to see some of it is related to my gender. One thing I've come to just see more and more clearly is that my gender is somewhere in a murky middle zone, it has to do with the way i see my body, it has to do with the way I stand, sit, dress. I still don't have a very good word for how I see my gender, but genderqueer or nonbinary does well enough. I definitely feel happier being a bit androgynous, it feels more natural, authentic, true to me. With sexuality, there's no confusion, no puzzling, I'm so damn gay, and so happy I've accepted that finally. But, there was a point where I was struggling to understand why I felt some sort of feelings about men... attraction is not the right word, I'd say I'm drawn to men. That's the best way to describe it. And I'm finally realising what it is, what those feelings are. I'm drawn to men, maybe even fascinated by their bodies and their facial hair, and I always have been, because I feel like there's a part of me that is trying to puzzle out why my body wasn't born like theirs. Some part of me feels maybe thats the body I was supposed to be born into. I don't know how to put this into a much more articulate post... this is the best I can do at the moment. But an interesting thing I think I'm starting to feel. I need to recognise, embrace, express this gender murkiness. It's central to who I am in many ways. But I feel like I do like the body I have, I enjoy it, I'm comfortable with it, I am a woman. I think there is a guy in me too. He exists, he's real, but the woman I am is real too. If this sounds confusing, it's because I'm only articulating this now for the first time. Anyway, some things are clearer but as you can see, I'm still feeling murky in many ways. I think, ultimately, i'm happy being seen as and feeling like an androgynous gay woman. It is the closest I think I can come to what I feel I am inside. But there will always be a tension I think with my gender... there's always something I can't quite be. I don't know if any of this make any sense! Does anybody understand or relate to any of what im trying to say?
Mhm. That's exactly how I feel too. Or at least very similarly. Being feminine is somehow inauthentic. Now the closest descriptor for me would be a tomboy or androgynous, maybe. I feel a bit different about men, because I'm bi, but I relate to a strange fascination with their bodies. Beck in high school I used to look at the boys and at myself and found it impossible to understand why I look so different. The girls were not too relatable for me, and still are not, usually. Up until today I have this quirk that I compare my body with men's bodies, or deep down consider myself one, but with a different body shape. A different shell. I realised quite early on that I understand men better then women, so a draw... pretty obvious. I liked the same things, thought the same things, felt the same things, disliked the same things. I wojld never thunk about gender if I was born a man. I know it. But am I a woman? Of course I am. A strange woman. A masculine woman. A gender non-conforming woman. But a woman. I consider that kind of womanhood valuable, and I like my body. And if I could just click my fingers and be a man... I'm not sure which life I'd choose. Being a man would be a whole lot easier. But I enjoy my life as is too. I see a lot of upsides to like that rather than a normal man orna normal woman. I see a lot of upsides to being a woman, and to being that tomboyish mess. Even though it hurts enormously sometimes. In thia lifetime, I don't see how I could become completely either gender. It's not even physical, it's a mental thing, it's experience, it's what made me the person I am. When it comes to sexuality I don't have clarity either. I really have no clue if I'm straight and talking myself into something, lesbian and talking myself into something, or bisexual, and if bisexual then what kind of bisexual. Sorry for being a bit long
But an interesting thing I think I'm starting to feel. I need to recognise, embrace, express this gender murkiness. It's central to who I am in many ways. But I feel like I do like the body I have, I enjoy it, I'm comfortable with it, I am a woman. I think there is a guy in me too. He exists, he's real, but the woman I am is real too. If this sounds confusing, it's because I'm only articulating this now for the first time. i know exactly how you feel. (*hug*) i felt the same and it led me to know im Bi gender, both male and female. at first i thought like you, male with a little bit of female, but ive come to know now that it's the other way around. not saying this is what's going on with you because we're all unique, but it is a possibility. be open to all possibilities. (*hug*)
B, I read this and to me it seems you have been able to articulate perfectly how you are feeling - and I do not see any murkiness whatsoever in how your expressing yourself. And as I read it, it seems you have gone farther in figuring things out than many ever will. (*hug*)
