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Old 20th Mar 2017, 01:30 PM   #1
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Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

So ...I have posted before about the fact I'm trying come out. I had a another conversation about it with my now ex boyfriend (now) ....here are some questions he threw at me ...
'Am I not man enough ...obviously I've f'$#/ up real bad somehow'
'You want to give what we have up because you want pu"#y?'
'You sure its not a faze your going through?'
'Are you sure you want to raise your boys with a woman?'
'How about we just not have sex for a bit until you figure your head out?'
'Are you liking head fu"$infg me?'
'Do you think you should go see someone?'
'Do you want a mistress or something?'
'It doesnt come as a suprise...but are you fu:/^^&g serious?'
'If your with someone you dont lust towards anyone else ...dont you love me?'
'Have I turned you off of men?'


And more than I can remember. And now I feel like there is something wrong with me ...but not .....I don't
know hope to deal with this...but I really want to be true to myself.
Is this the kind of stuff I need to be prepared to face? :/
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 01:39 PM   #2
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

sounds like he's trying to make this about him(it's not), trying to make you think you're doing something wrong (you're not), trying to assign blame (there usually isnt any in these cases), and to control you (he Can't unless you let him). as for your family and friends only you can answer if this will be a problem and with whom, and most of the rest of society really doesnt care about it, they're used to the idea of same sex attraction and two ladies are usually better accepted in general than two men. go live your life hun, love who you love.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 01:49 PM   #3
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Thank you so much for responding to me. Thank you for your words. He made my head all a mess and I really needed someone. Thank you *hugs*
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 02:01 PM   #4
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

He's hurting and lashing out. You don't deserve that kinda crap.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 02:11 PM   #5
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

I know I have hurt him and I told him I'm deeply sorry about that ..but he's already texted me thismorning about it all ...I havnt responded.... but I feel this may become a bigger problem with him than I originally thought :/
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 02:20 PM   #6
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Coming out after a relationship has already started will not surprisingly lead to this sort of situation.

He clearly cares about the relationship with you in some way, but he's so frustrated at this development that he's both trying to fix by grasping at any possible alternate explanation, and by trying to make you feel bad about making him feel like he's not enough for your, when that isn't the problem at all.

There is no earthly explanation I can come up with for why I am now unequivocally Gay. I was entirely about women until just over 6 months ago. But now, almost nothing. Could I have fun with a women still? Perhaps. But the sexual stimulation from being with them would no longer be what keeps me connected to them, and that's actually a big aspect I find, at least for me. Personality is a huge part as well, but physicality will always be a factor, because it always has been, and I don't think ever won't be for most people.

I think you might want to talk to a councellor, or someone who shares your situation in person, in order to work through how you're feelings and desires have changed. But if you know your interests lie with women, then you will need to consider the benefits and drawbacks of being true to that new aspect of yourself.

Relationships end all the time, for various reasons, often difficult ones. And while this is certainly one of the more unique reasons, it nevertheless should be handled in a similar fashion. And if this guy is lashing out like this, then he clearly cares more about himself and being with "someone" more than he does about you personally. Or, at the very least, he is quick to judge and quick to make snap comments, but may care about you more than he appears. I can't say for sure.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 02:20 PM   #7
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Damn! He's gotta realise it's not about him. It's about you and what you need.

There is nothing wrong with you. You can get through this and the people here will support you.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 02:29 PM   #8
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

I have always been open to the fact I have been bi...I do speak with a counsellor ....and I have managed to work through things in accepting myself and finally not being ashamed of that .....it has lead me to now...and it's kind of like a weight being lifted ...but this is another added. I appreciate all the answers ...thank you heaps x
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 02:44 PM   #9
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

When my wife told me she wanted, even needed, to make love to a woman after we had been married for 18 years I admit it did kinda dent my ego a little. I can see how a guy could go there, but they are wrong.

I can see where his rage is coming from, but it's all on him. It's just wrong. In the years since my wife came out as bisexual we have met a lot of guys with some of those attitudes.

But it's all on the guys. Because the guys who act like that are just weak.

What's really weird are the guys who think they need to tell me I should be upset because of my wife's bisexuality, because of one or more of those reasons. It's just so weird. Like, what's it to them? When women tell me I should be disappointed and leave my wife, I just figure they want my wonderful manliness for themselves, and that's an ego boost.

Mary has been out as bisexual for over 25 years. She is pretty edge, and has no problems with it all because I have no problems with her or with us. We both recognize it would be very hard on her if I was mean to her.

We are sorry your boyfriend was like that, and wish it was not so. He was wrong.

Be who you are. Please be well.

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Old 20th Mar 2017, 04:08 PM   #10
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

I'm trying to be true to myself and come out as lesbian...I DO NOT find men sexually attractive....the thought of touching a man absolutely repulses me....I DO NOT want to be with a man at all. I do not check out guys ...only women....I think about how great it would be to have a relationship with a woman. I know he would be confused (but at the same time he said 'It comes as no suprise')....how do I make this all crystal clear to him?...how can I shake the bi label I have put on myself and be me? How do I make him understand that it isn't him personally that has made it 'suddenly' this way? It appears sudden to him and I have lived a hetrosexual life to the outside world....but I can no longer live a lie. Does this make sense...is this a 'normal' thing to go through?.....or am I truelly bonkers??
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 05:24 PM   #11
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

I can't say. My wife is bisexual. She is just my Ice Cream Sundae, with 4 scoops of lesbian and one scoop of heterosexuality. She doesn't check out men, and never has. But men's bodies are merely uninteresting to her, and she does find my attention very exciting. So she responds to me worshipping her body. She is different than you. Everyone is different.

I have no idea how you can make your boyfriend understand your desires are not based on him. I just didn't think my wife's need was based on me, so she didn't need to convince me.

In my wife's case, she had a lot of issues of anxiety, fears, sexual issues, before remembering repressed memories and desires. We think her church was involved in some sort of "exorcism" when she was 14 to straighten her out, and it made her asexual. She was pretty damaged, but she was still fun in a lot of odd ways. So we knew something was wrong for years. She went to a lot of counseling and therapy. Her recovered memories and what she remembered and re-descovered weren't what I thought they would be, but hey, I was so glad to get her on the track to getting well I was happy.

She says I would have been happy with her coming out no matter what, 'cause I'm just that kind of guy. I don't know. She is too nice.

She thinks you can't fix your boy friend. A guy just either is cool or isn't. You just have to move on. I don't know, but he ain't right to be angry with you.

Does he want to learn? Does he want to find out about your journey?

I guess I'm feeling grouchy tonight. Feeling pretty darn negative about people being mean about people being different. I'm being reactionary.

I wish you so much good.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 05:34 PM   #12
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MandyLee View Post
I'm trying to be true to myself and come out as lesbian...I DO NOT find men sexually attractive....the thought of touching a man absolutely repulses me....I DO NOT want to be with a man at all. I do not check out guys ...only women....I think about how great it would be to have a relationship with a woman. I know he would be confused (but at the same time he said 'It comes as no suprise')....how do I make this all crystal clear to him?...how can I shake the bi label I have put on myself and be me? How do I make him understand that it isn't him personally that has made it 'suddenly' this way? It appears sudden to him and I have lived a hetrosexual life to the outside world....but I can no longer live a lie. Does this make sense...is this a 'normal' thing to go through?.....or am I truelly bonkers??
no you're not bonkers, and all this is perfectly normal. my advise is to be you, let go of the story from before (this is not easy, as you have to unlearn so much) tell him this is for you and you are sorry he's hurt but you have to walk this path and you wish him only the best. beyond that only allow him in your life as much as you want not anyone else. and above all be true to you and your truth, no matter where that takes you. it can be quite a ride, i went from married to divorced to coming out as bi to now working on coming out as Trans. like i said quite a journey, enjoy the road.
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Old 21st Mar 2017, 01:38 PM   #13
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Thank you everyone!!!! ....I really appreciate the responses!!!! *hugs*...Isnt it the way ...Im usually really good at giving advice to others ...but when it comes to myself Im not the best.
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Old 22nd Mar 2017, 01:01 PM   #14
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Here is a saying that has gotten me through some tough situations:

People are not against you, they're for themselves.

The things he's saying (out of hurt and anger) say much more about him than about you. So while this situation is about you, you are separate and a part from the things he's saying. They're not a reflection of you; they are a reflection of him.

Remember that, and it's easier to let these ugly things bounce off you.
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Old 23rd Mar 2017, 05:40 PM   #15
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Just an update .....
I have been so clear...told him ...I DO NOT like or want a penis near me..I have told him it is over and at most I can offer him is a friendship NOT a relationship. He said 'Just because Im a lesbian I can still have sex with men though ...can't I?'
I'm horrified ....he has said that he just wants me he doesn't care if we never have sex. I keep saying it is over ...it can not be worked out...I have totally been straight up with him ...told him DO NOT come around to my house ...he turns up. He is making this very very difficult and he is totally disregading what I am saying . It's getting crazy and I don't understand how he can not be hearing me. I told a family member that I am a lesbian and she was wonderful ...she said she always new and it is no suprise. So things are a little good and a bit bad.
I would appreciate any next step advice I can take ...apart from the already helpful responses I have redirected ....I am very appreciative...thank you everyone.
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Old 23rd Mar 2017, 06:16 PM   #16
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

I'm glad your family member was wonderful.

Can you get some kind of restraining order against him?
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Old 23rd Mar 2017, 06:36 PM   #17
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

She was .....I needed that off of her aswell as the positivity on here.
It should be OK just to be me!
And the family that I have something to do with live interstate. I'm seriously thinking I need to ring the police...although he hasn't been violent at all towards me ...he's just majorly obsessive .....I think I have tipped him over the edge or something ... I don't know how clearer I can be!?:/
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Old 24th Mar 2017, 06:02 AM   #18
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MandyLee View Post
She was .....I needed that off of her aswell as the positivity on here.
It should be OK just to be me!
And the family that I have something to do with live interstate. I'm seriously thinking I need to ring the police...although he hasn't been violent at all towards me ...he's just majorly obsessive .....I think I have tipped him over the edge or something ... I don't know how clearer I can be!?:/
This. he's crossed a couple of lines like coming around when you told him not to, etc. a peace bond (not sure what their called in AU) might be needed. true it's just a piece of paper but it is an order that he has to abide by or the police can intervene if the harassment continues. I would urge vigilance because if he's over that tipping point you need to be safe.
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Old 24th Mar 2017, 11:12 AM   #19
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

You have been about as clear as you could possibly be. How could he not get it? Sigh, I apologize for my gender. I would just listen and say "Oh. I see. Well, let's get coffee and talk about girls." (Or boobs or legs, or whatnot, depending on what level of joking seemed appropriate.)

But you are doing all the right things. It sounds like your head is in a good place. Some nice girl will be lucky. But to answer your initial question "Is this the kind of stuff I need to be prepared to face?" Aaargh. Well yes, and this is your preparation. Next time you hear something like this (hopefully in an easier context) you can probably have some things ready to say.
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Old 24th Mar 2017, 11:18 AM   #20
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Re: Is this what I'm in for????!!!!!

Please contact the police to see what your options are. Hopefully you can get some kind of order against him. If nothing else you need him to stay away for your own peace of mind
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