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Closure and the impact on shame

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OnTheHighway, Mar 24, 2017.

  1. OnTheHighway

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    As I have posted in previous threads, I recently married after being with my now husband for about three years. He has been a fantastic source of inspiration, a coach and mentor, and a true partner. He has been a significant contributor in helping me understand myself and come to terms with my true self. For me, remarrying was somewhat of a milestone event on my journey. It is an opportunity for me start with a clean sheet of paper, take all the life lessons I have learned, and now live my life the way I was supposed to live it. As part of the deep discussions between my husband and myself leading up to our marriage, we debated extensively what the right type of relationship we should have - should we marry, should we just be partners, do we want a family together, etc etc. We also contemplated what the financial implications are, what the impact on our careers would be, so on and so on. The decision to marry was deeply considered and thought about by the both of us; and we determined marriage was right.

    Leading up to this, I contemplated what type of emotional impact getting married was going to have on me, and I often compared it with my first marriage. On reflection, I recall prior to my first marriage being extremely anxious, having signifiant doubts, worrying about the future and having massive unease. Marriage at the time was something I was supposed to do, it was the path in life laid out for my by others, it was maintaining the status quo. When I finally got married the first time, I pushed myself through it. At the time, I thought this was how every guy responded emotionally to getting married.

    When I think about how I felt at the time of my first marriage, and compare it to my recent wedding, I realize only now that my initial wedding was actually the start of building the vast emotional wall protecting me from living in the closet.

    As I approached my wedding a few weeks ago, my emotions were completely different. I was excited at the prospects of living my life with my husband. My husband and I planned thoughtfully and with an open mind taking into consideration what we both want in life, without regard for what others expect. While I had some brief nerves, they were truly brief and reflective of "wedding day jitters" more than anything else. When I said the words "I do", I was saying them with complete conviction and peace of mind. As I look back on the past two weeks following the wedding, everything feels natural, easy, and right.

    I mentioned in another post that I seemed to have closed one door behind me and opened this new door in my life. It is easy to see how the wedding provides a clear new beginning.

    All of that said, there was one moment prior to my wedding that has had a profound impact on my ability to come to peace with shame. A few weeks prior to getting married, having not seen my ex wife for more than half a year, I invited her to have a coffee with me. I wanted to tell her in person what I was about to do. I figured she assumed it was coming, but I rather wanted her to hear it from me directly. Once again I had a compelling need to make myself vulnerable.

    When we met, she looked amazing! She projected confidence and independence - and I only hope that what she was projecting was sincere just like she was prior to when we married. As the meal was coming to an end, and as I got up the courage, I told her the news that I was due to marry. She looked at me, she gave me a genuine smile, and told me that she sincerely wants me to be happy and hopes all the best for me. Of course I shared the same sentiment for her as well.

    Those words she expressed will always stay with me. While difficult for her to hear, I imagine that what I told her went towards providing her some degree of finality and closure. A way for her to truly close the door for herself. At the same time, for me, as I have reflected on those words, it seems to have provided significant closure as well. But not only closure, a way to move on from remnants of shame. The more I contemplate and reflect on the discussion, the more profound of an impact it seems to have had.

    Over the past few weeks, my ex and I have continued to text with one another on various topics. The communication seems different now - it feels more natural and easy flowing. At the same time, I feel as if another deep weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. She will be moving on with her life, and I will be moving on with mine.
     
    #1 OnTheHighway, Mar 24, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2017
  2. SiennaFire

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    OTH,

    Thank you for sharing this very personal and important part of your journey.

    The relation of these events to shame is not entirely obvious to me. When I first read this, I assumed your point is that the lack of shame and internalized homophobia allows you to plan an authentic life with your new husband. Upon closer examination I see that your meeting with your ex-wife provided some cathartic closure with the shame. This is different from my experience. Can you elaborate on your experience?
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    SiennaFire,

    For sure the lack of shame and internalized homophobia has allowed me to plan an authentic life. And working through both allowed me to do so!

    Getting together and meeting with my ex-wife was something else - as you said a cathartic closure:

    Over the past few years, I looked to rationalize going into the closet on all the reasons we discuss here relating to the self preservation associated with the shame and internalized homophobia being gay in a homophobic world. And without rehashing it all, the concepts are all relevant and true.

    However, I knew I was gay from a young age. I even acted upon those urges prior to getting married. But I allowed low self esteem and confidence to keep me on what I perceived as the easiest path in life - one that others told me I was supposed to take, instead of having the conviction and courage to live authentically from what I felt in my heart. I took what I perceived at the time was the easy route.

    The result of consciously going into my marriage knowing that I was gay created a false foundation for my ex-wife. I can argue how I told her before we were married that I experimented, how she based her decision with full disclosure from me, and how she also made her own decisions as a young inexperienced woman without fully understanding the implications of those decisions. But even while she had full disclosure, which I consciously provided her as kind of a "get out of jail free" card for myself, it was easy for her to simply brush it under the carpet so she could lead the life she thought she was supposed to lead.

    The practical reality is, regardless of how or why and without regard for all of the very reasonable explanations, I deceived her and myself when we married. And I alone was responsible. And in the 20 years of marriage, the life she thought she had build for herself was not at all the life that she had.

    So while I have worked through the shame and internalized homophobia that grew within me leading me to be in the closet, and where I addressed the guilt and regret over the the past years since embracing my sexuality, the shame for what I had consciously put my ex wife and my children through remained.

    So when we got together, apart from hearing the words she expressed when she articulated that she wants me to be happy, there also seemed to be an unspoken understanding as we looked into each others eyes across the table. The message we seemed to have given each other, after the journeys we had both been on for the past four to five years, was that everything was going to be ok, and it was time for both of us to move on.

    And as I am sitting here typing this, it all really is coming together and makes perfect sense to me. Its time for the shame to move on.
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Mar 24, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2017
  4. Mj5963

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    Oth , wow thanks for sharing so raw so emotional so vulnerable so real. Happiness is the goal period and very happy for you that you found it.
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    We all do the best that we can given where we are in life at the time. Our early homophobic programming from others is a veritable adversary that requires great strength and perseverance to overcome. You've done what was necessary to defeat this foe and steer your life towards authenticity!!!

    Hopefully you have forgiven yourself for perpetrating this deception against your ex-wife, children, and most importantly, yourself.

    (&&&)
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Mar 24, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2017
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Indeed I did forgive myself, but forgiving oneself and closure are two separate things (wow, and to think I posted this following thread over a year ago): http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/204836-self-acceptance-internal-peace.html
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Mar 24, 2017
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  7. Mj5963

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    Oth just want to say you really have a wonderful attitude and sharing your life is admitrabl and even though u know lots of m journey o still appreciate all the honesty
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    If that were true, then why was the meeting with your ex-wife so powerful and cathartic?
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Mar 24, 2017
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  9. OnTheHighway

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    Reread what I said, I was editing it as you replied. As well, you know how sometimes you do not know you have something until it's lost, well in this case I did not realize there was still reminamts of shame until I felt closure and it was gone.

    ---------- Post added 25th Mar 2017 at 12:13 AM ----------

    I have been challenged by others on EC just as I challange people. That enables us all to think and reflect. Sometimes we like what we read, sometimes it hurts. Eitherway, the goal is to reach internal peace, closure and forgiveness.
     
    #9 OnTheHighway, Mar 24, 2017
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  10. Mj5963

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    oth yes the ultimate goal is happiness and we all find it in our own ways and yes I appreciated the way you pushed me and questioned me as well. As I stated prior hard to articulate all the things going on here but know I have amazing inner peace, my wife knows everything about my sexuality as we talked deeply and even more detailed and she has been amazing in understanding and finding jay place for inner peace together
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    It's great how serious and focused you are working through your journey! Your doing exactly what you need to be doing.
     
  12. Mj5963

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    It has been a huge process tons of reading , plenty of talking and therapy sessions , lots of looking in the mirror And trying to find that place and I am thrilled where I am now it is crazy at my age to feel this happy again !
     
  13. SiennaFire

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    And when you quell the voices around you and listen to your inner voice that remains, what do you hear?
     
  14. Mj5963

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    I hear happiness is with my wife period
     
  15. baristajedi

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    OTH,

    Thanks for sharing this, I'm always inspired by your acts of vulnerability; I'm constantly reminding myself that I need that in my journey as well, in order to grow and move forward.

    I can relate a lot to the feeling of shame at choosing a straight marriage, Im still trying to get rid of shame in denying my sexuality, and hurting others in my life in the process, and my shame in being in the closet.

    As I write this, I'm starting to realise a lot of this mirrors my shame from my abuse. I was ashamed for years about allowing myself to be abused, because I knew the abuse wasn't ok. When I look back at that shame, I can see it wasn't my fault; I was s child, my abuser exerted power and manipulation over me; I was afraid.

    similarly, like siennafire says, my "decision" to deny my sexuality was a response to some very powerful internal homophobia... I was afraid. I wasn't choosing to deceive and hurt and deny who I am, I was distancing myself from the truth because it was too difficult for me to face at that time.
     
    #15 baristajedi, Mar 24, 2017
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  16. SiennaFire

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    Is this the same voice that caused you to seek out other men? Do you feel happy or high? Please keep in mind that there is a high associated with coming out, a sense of liberation that you have no more secrets. This is where the real journey begins.
     
    #16 SiennaFire, Mar 24, 2017
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  17. OED27x

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    That's fantastic! I'm glad you have found closure.
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    I felt some shame/regret for entering a straight marriage, although for me it was incinerated as part of the great purge of shame [of being gay] and internalized homophobia. I forgave my denial, attributing my actions as reasonable responses to my programming earlier in life. My thought process was largely informed by the debate about free will, and I fall into the camp that says we do not have it.
     
    #18 SiennaFire, Mar 24, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2017
  19. OnTheHighway

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    This may be a nuance, and maybe it's the same thing as what your trying to say, but what I personally hear is happiness - happiness with myself. Yes, I love my husband, but he is a part of what makes me happy. First and foremost I am happy being me.
     
  20. Justshort

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    Goodness internalising all that took its toll on you! So glad you both now have a new line of communication and it's helpful. As you said it may have helped you both, it will be good if you remain friends and support each other.
    Thank you for sharing.
    So nice to read you're able to be happy and move on!
    Good luck in life.