Is my fantasy revealing about my sexuality or not?

On the suggestion of another member I am starting a new thread.

I have a perplexing fantasy. I suppose it is what people would call a fetish. I am highly embarrassed by it, and until very recently I would go so far as to say I was ashamed of it - so I told nobody, ever. It is, in fact the exclusive and constant fantasy that I have always used in order to pleasure myself. Basically if I imagine myself in a scenario as a very masculine, assertive man having sex with one or more women it does it for me...However, in real life I present as a fairly feminine woman (dress, some makeup but not into nails or heels). I do not question my gender, but I do question my sexuality. I won't go into how this midlife questioning started because I have already gone on about it in various other threads, most recently pretty much summarised in the thread "My greatest fear" in which I explain why I am questioning.

Does this fantasy tell me anything or nothing about my sexual orientation?

 

Baristejedi, you have given me a lot to think about.

I think I find the idea of having male genitalia and feeling aroused as a man to be - of itself, arousing. I think there is a small part of me that wants to behave as a male. This dates back to my earliest memories: I was a daydreamer who enjoyed having long hair and making up fairy fantasies with my girl friends on the one hand and this part of me identified sonewhat with stereotypical girl things. On the otherhand I felt very at home playing rough games with the boys, including pretending to use guns and using an actual bow and arrows my Dad made me. I once got into trouble for persuading some younger children - boys (including my brother) to jump a ditch. I still remember the sheer joy of it and the pleasure of getting thoroughly muddy. I think I was also enjoying the unaccustomed flavour of power. As a girl and later as a woman I have never seen myself as a natural leader - but on that day I was. And it was met with disapproval by my Mum's friend - I ate a subdued tea in shame faced silence and I never led those boys into mischief again. Although people have always told me that my appearance is feminine, as a child and adolescent I was - several times - cast as a man or boy in school plays. This began with me being chosen to play the role of Peter Pan, when I was 6. I was not very keen on my teacher at the time, as she nicknamed me "the daydreamer" (I was!) and I was a little afraid of her. So I can remember having ambivalent feelings about this - on the one hand I had wanted to be Tinkerbell, but when my Mum pointed out that I had the lead part and made me a beautiful green costume I grew into it and kind of felt like me.

Back to me feelings on maleness: I have always envied men the ability to pee standing up - I would love to be able to do that against a tree. Sexually, I envy men's ability to have an erection as an obvious result of being aroused and the fact that from where I stand, it seems dead easy as a man to orgasm. I also envy that most men are physically stronger than women, in terms of being able to lift things. I'd like to be able to splay my legs apart when sitting and burp after a beer, without being considered coarse. . Other that, I enjoy many things about being a woman - I have more choice of clothes, it is socially entirely mainstream to change my appearance with makeup, I enjoyed carrying my babies inside me when I was pregnant and liked my bumps, I felt a sense of satisfaction when I finally had success with breastfeeding, I am glad it is easier as a woman to have "touchy feely" conversations with other women (whereas men often touch base by talking about sport or factual stuff). So in many ways I feel very female.

To return to my fantasy - yes I do like the very idea of looking through the eyes of a man at an attractive woman and I do get turned on quickly if I am in the role of that man, in a way that I don't if I imagine being a woman (myself or another woman) with another woman or man. Basically I do not find the idea of myself with someone else at all arousing. However, when I got very strong feelings for a particular woman last year I suddenly - seemingly out of nowhere - felt very comfortable with the idea of kissing, caressing, being playful with and actively pleasuring this person - as me, not in role - in a way that I have never been able to envisage with anyone else ever in my fantasies. I also felt comfortable with the words "make love to" as opposed to "have sex with" in a way that I had never felt before. However, though the thoughts of being with this woman turn me on, I feel guilty for thinking that way of her, so I always resort to imagining myself as a man with a non-specific woman if I feel the need to get so turned on that I will orgasm.

 

Sienna Fire - yes, the emotional and romantic attraction seems to be driving me forward towards other women right now...the physical aspect of my attraction to other women has only risen to my consciousness this past year or so and the thought that I may never get to experience "making love with" as opposed to "having sex with" someone makes me sad...

 

Actually, my H knows about me being in the process of coming out and we also agree that this has contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, although I feel that there are other factors that have contributed, that my H prefers to put less weight on, as compared with me, but then I cannot deny that it feels like a factor. Unfortunately the marriage was not in a great place before all this kicked off, or perhaps it all kicked off because it was not in a great place: it is a chicken and egg situation. So a few people already know that I consider I am not straight - my brother, my sister-in-law, and H's parents, as well as a couple of close friends. But I cannot bring myself to share this with my parents. I cannot find the words. I fear that they will not understand or won't believe that my feelings are real. Some days I still have difficulty myself accepting my feelings. I am experiencing a lot of grief, sadness and loss about the various aspects of what is happening right now. At the same time I get moments of feeling lighter and more whole as a person. Then I feel guilty for feeling that "wholeness" when all the while I am incurring pain on others by not being able to make the marriage work. But I don't seem to be able to find the right feelings to stay married. I no longer feel like I am the same woman. I don't feel like dating anyone either. I am not over my marriage and I am not over her. It is as if I can neither force back the things that I have fallen out of Pandora's Box or fit the lid back on it.

 

Thank you, Sienna Fire. I will continue to work on self acceptance and gradually shedding the shame of not being heterosexual and will look at your link on shame. Thank you for taking the time to post. I feel shame about not being successful in my marriage, it is true, as well as about my sexuality.