Just so Lonely Sometimes

Why are you waiting for her? Why not be proactive and take action yourself? Are you sure its love that is keeping you with her, or is it maybe fear? Fear of starting over, fear of living your life the way your supposed to live it? She obviously wants to move on, but does not want to make the first move, so why not do it instead?

 

If memory serves, your marriage had other issues before the question of your sexuality was added to the mix. Are you making progress on the other issues?

My recommendation is to grab the bull by the horns. This may require that you push through the boundary of gentle pressure and act decisively. She needs to engage in constructive dialog or get off the pot. You deserve better, so take the lead in either improving the relationship or dissolving it.

 

Why then do you persevere in this marriage? Why is getting a crumb of acceptance from her so important to you? The fact that you can observe yourself in this infinite loop that leaves you feeling lonely is a great first step. You know that your approach is not working, isn't it time for a fresh start and different approach?

 

Sounds like you both are waiting for each other to make a decision.

 

it sounds that the relationship isn't healthy for you both anymore. adding to finding solutions to your previous problems, unless she's able to truly accept who you are and cast the doubt aside, this will always linger on her. this could possibly be a recurring problem for you two. maybe some time apart could give you both the answers you need. it may lead you back to each other or it may not. either way, you get your answer.

 

Zen Fix

Have you tried a marriage counselor?

 

Yes, but you are getting little acceptance let alone preservation of what you've worked so hard to build. If saving your marriage is what you truly want and value, then you need to continue fighting for it. I know that you have been fighting for it, which has led to loneliness.

All emotion pain comes from resistance to what is and at some level your loneliness stems from your resistance to what is real. It's clear that your current approach isn't productive and leads to bouts of loneliness. Why continue to use the same approach that has proven ineffective? I'm not suggesting that you give up if you want to save the marriage (though that might be the ultimate outcome and starting down that path might even be a useful forcing function to generate authentic dialog with your wife).

Your story reminds me of the poem Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.

 

Zen fix
My heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to move forwards soon. Being in a sort of limbo is so hard, I know.

 

You are not a complainer--you are here seeking to share your feelings and get support. Expressing your feelings around all this is important, even if it is to an online community.

My heart goes out to you too. I remember that the loneliness I felt inside my marriage was much worse than the loneliness I can feel at times now.

At this point you can't bring anything up with your wife as it is 'too much pressure.' You two are not emotionally connecting right now. That is a lonely place. You ask yourself WTF you are doing, doing this ridiculous dance and wondering what you hope will happen. My guess is what you hope will happen is that everything will spontaneously combust into being being okay. We all do this...to some extent...hoping that by waiting things out problems in our life will just somehow get better. This rarely happens though.

You can 'keep trying' in the way you have been for another month, year or lifetime. But the fact is BOTH of you are going to have to be active participants in fixing your marriage and making it better for any real change to happen. And I do hope that everything works out the way you want it to.

 

Zen, your not happy, why is the relationship worth saving? How do you think it can be saved so that the future of the relationship is happy for everyone? Think about this and plan a critical path.

 

Zen fix,

I'm sorry that her actions are making you frustrated and lonely this week, getting to you and turning you into a complainer. Most of us have been there, stuck and complaining, but eventually we were able to have that "aha" moment and see things from a different perspective that began meaningful forward progress. I'm a lot less lonely today than I was while married and trying to preserve a way of life that did not fulfill me. Your frustration and loneliness are signals that you are stuck and need to find a better way.

I get the sense that you just want a sympathetic ear to tell you everything is going to be OK. I could tell you that, but I would be lying. If you want things to be OK, then you are going to approach this thing differently. It might not be what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear.

If you choose to separate or divorce, you will not lose your family. You will restructure the family such that you and your wife are no longer romantic partners. Sure this involves change and may even make things better if there's conflict or tension between you and your wife. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the kids don't pickup on this.

Ultimately it's your life and whether or not to use the suggestions provided here. It's up to you if you want to be a complainer or man of action.

 

Here is a thread that you might get some inspiration from....

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...s-aren%92t-adding-up-am-i-headed-divorce.html

 

I don't think what you're going through would be considered a "normal" rough patch.

There are also some contradictions in what you describe happening, such as deciding to recommit to the marriage on the one hand, and then your being "forthcoming" about your sexuality to her on the other hand. Clearly she is very threatened by it (hence her interrogating you and) so your bringing it up undermines the marriage. I think you need to stop expecting her to be your resource for talking about your sexuality and that you should look elsewhere (therapists, trusted friends, support groups, etc.) to do that. I think you should respect her response to being told her husband is bi and not expect her to be your sounding board for that subject ... her response is probably pretty "normal." If she brings it up then talk about it; if not, talk about with your other resources.

I also think you should decide for yourself what your limits are in terms of staying or leaving, what recommitting means to you, and then act on your decisions. You cannot control her reactions or choices, only your own. As long as you're in it for the long haul then behave as a good husband would, which may (or may not) spark her to act toward you as a good wife would. Actions ... not words.

 

Zenfix

I came out to my wife about the same time as you did. My wife is very cool with my sexuality. But, I sometimes feel like I can only talk to her so much before I feel I am rubbing her face in it. So, I hold it inside too. This causes me to be upset some at her even though it isn't her deal at all. It is good to have a trusted friend or a therapist.

I sought out a couple of gay guys to become confidants. I needed to have my gay side out a bit or it just felt like I was living alone with something. Being bisexual is difficult. Both parts of our sexuality need nourishment or there is, to me, almost a sense of loss.

I think I was making a mistake thinking the gay side of my sexuality was optional and could just be there and not addressed. It wasn't for me. I was so mad at my wife that she was keeping me from being gay...it was not reasonable. I encourage you to find a way to express yourself completely.