Hi Everyone, I'm a 28 years old female and happily married to a man. We've been together for 8 wonderful years. I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. I've known for a few years now that I'm also sexually attracted to women, but have never came close to being with a woman (not even a kiss). In the past two years or so, I feel like I desperately want to experiment with a women, to the point that I think about it every day. To make things worse, a good friend of mine who is single recently told me that she had a brief relationship with a woman for the first time, and that it was amazing. Since then I feel jealous of her and became kind of obsessed with it. I talked with my husband about wanting to experiment with a woman and he said that he doesn't want me to do it, because it would feel like cheating to him. I can understand him, because I would probably feel the same way if he had approached me with the same issue. But I can't shake these thoughts and fantasies. I feel very sad that I can't have this experience. I explained it to my husband but he still feels that he can't agree to it. I'm very much against cheating and going behind his back, but I hate the thought of never being able to try it. How can I deal with this situation? Thanks
Before you decide what to do (or not do) and have another conversation with your husband, it's probably good to start educating yourself about sexual attraction. I would google the following topics as a starting point Sexual orientation Kinsey scale Perhaps reading these topics will generate some follow-up questions that will help you clarify your own sexual identity. You also want to find a therapist who has LGBT experience to help you process your feelings. Certainly keep learning and posting here on EC.
Noella, firstly hi! Secondly I feel the same this is happening to me right now, except I'm in my 40's I too feel almost obsessive about having an encounter. You're very lucky being able to talk to your man about it. I've not been able to with my husband, so definitely a step in the right direction. I hope you find what you're looking for good luck
My two cents , I am a married man of 29 years with kids in 20's and my wife recently confronted me that she knew I had been sleeping with guys behind her backs. So the infidelity and my sexuality makes a lot things complicated but we are working together on t to find a path to happiness together . Needless to say if I could change one thing I would have talked with her first and never cheated . It is a horrible act and I lost all trust rightfully so and now working to earn it back through way too many tears. So please take it from a man who cheated. Don't
Hi Justshort thanks for your support! It can really become an obsession if it's not dealt with I think. This is what's happening to me :/ I hope you will be able to talk to your husband sometime in the future, it does make thing better. Good luck to you too ---------- Post added 26th Mar 2017 at 11:29 PM ---------- Thank you so much for the advice. I can understand how difficult it is to resist the urges. It helps to be more aware of the consequences, because sometimes it seems like you can just do it and move on as usual. But I guess it's not really "as usual". I'm glad that you two are moving in the direction of working things out. Hope you find your happiness again.
Thank you for the kind words . Yes we are working towards working it out. There will be bumps as just last night she asked me a few other details of it and when I told her my first experience was 6 years ago it took her by surprise ,, I guess I have to accept the fact that it hurts her to hear this but I feel honesty is only way we will be able to work though it all and be happy together forever
I think you need to reframe the discussion. Cheating occurs when you do something behind your partners back. Its not cheating if you are talking about it and both agree to it. So what you need to do is frame the discussion so that he sees it is in both his and your best interested to allow you to go out and figure out whom you are. He has a choice to make, neither one are good, but they both may have different outcomes. He can remain firm and not allow you to figure yourself out - which may lead to you being unhappy and unfulfilled, which in turn will make the relationship for the both of you very difficult and unsatisfying. Or, he can let you do what you need to do in order to find yourself, and this will put you on the path of being happy with whom you are; when you are happy, it gives the opportunity for everyone to be happy. Now, maybe in the short term that might cause risk to your relationship. But even if it does, and if a worse case scenario is that you and he need to be apart, that gives you both the opportunity to find fulfillment in the long term. No choice is without pain, but one allows each of you the opportunity in the long run to be happy.
This is exactly what I had in mind when I talked to him about it. But somehow, my arguments seemed selfish to him, and he couldn't grasp that I need this in order to be fulfilled and happy and know who I am. He kept saying that he has had urges too that he didn't act upon, like having a crush on another woman at work (he is completely straight). I tried to explain to him that it's not the same thing, but somehow my points got missed. I will try and find better words in our next conversations. But I also don't want to pressure him.
Unfortunately, in a situation like this, the only options are to 1) accept that you'll never get to explore being with other women or 2) get a divorce. Pressuring the husband to accept this wouldn't be ethical if he can't, and it may lead to divorce or hostility anyway if he feels he has to. If he changes his mind, that's great, but it has to be by his own free will. I can empathize with the husband since I dated a woman who never got to experience being with a man and wanted to "try it". I said no, and so she broke up with me to be with a man. I felt devastated, but at least she didn't make the choice to cheat or pressure me, I suppose. Unfortunately, this is why a lot of straight and gay people don't want to date bisexuals or bicurious people since they don't want this situation to pop up in the relationship. It's not fair to the group involved, but It's sadly what the reality is right now. I have no judgment toward you or your want to do this, however. At the same time, since I know how it feels from the husband's side, I also know this can become really ugly if the situation happens. Just thought I'd give the other perspective.
