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Marriage is hard

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OED27x, Mar 27, 2017.

  1. OED27x

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    Hi all,
    I'm struggling a bit.

    This site has helped me separate my sexuality from the other problems in my marriage. As in not everything is related to my bisexuality. But right now I'm feeling broken. My marriage is in shambles and I have a good part of the blame and the guilt I feel for breaking up my kids home is awful. Here are my sins: I set poor boundaries and let my husband coerce me into anal sex, I married him hoping this would change, I blamed him for controlling me but in the end ended up controlling him and intimidating him though lashing out, I have at least 3 times physically pushed or scratched him, and last but not least, I cheated on him with my sons best friends mom. And I then told some friends about his anal fetish (which was so very very wrong) there you have it. Ugh god I have hurt this man. We are at a tipping point. He still says I 'make him feel bad about liking anal' which I find so manipulative bc that is NOT what I want to do or have tried do. I just wanted him to take my feelings into account that it was not my thing. I just feel so broken now. We have pour d our hearts and souls into this relationship and have two beautiful children. We are both at the point where we see it falling apart in front of our eyes.
     
  2. Creativemind

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    Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. Hate to say it, but he isn't blameless here. I mean, it sounds like he pretty much forced anal on you (well not literally forced, but definitely pressured until you came in). Sure, it was wrong to push him and cheat, but it's not like he hasn't done wrong to you too.

    -hugs-
     
  3. Zen fix

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    Hi OED27X. Sorry you are having a rough time. I can definitely relate to the feeling of guilt around the pain all this may cause your children. It is worse than anything else. Not sure if you wanted advice or just a sympathetic ear. I'll enter a couple thoughts below but I don't think I have anything earth shattering to say. Just good luck. Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. You are aware of some of yours so now you can work on them.

    As for anal sex. You could tell him that while it doesn't make him weird and you don't want him to feel bad about it that you know without a doubt that it isn't for you. You didn't realize before you got married that it would be an ongoing desire of his and you did it to make him happy thinking it was a temporary fantasy. So while anal sex is out there are still many other wonderful ways the two of you can have sex.
    Telling friends he has an anal fetish wasn't cool. Consider apologizing to those friends because it likely wasn't fun to hear about. Is it really a fetish or just something he likes once in awhile? Is he pushy about it? Because if he's really pushing you into things you don't like then you are right to be angry.

    The physical violence has to stop. If you can't stop and can't control unreasonable lashing out (hey we all do it sometimes) you may need some outside help.

    Does he know about the affair? Will the other woman keep it to herself? How likely are you to do it again? If you felt certain that she wasn't going to tell and your husband won't find out would you be comfortable in the marriage holding on to that knowledge?
     
  4. OED27x

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    Thanks for the sympathetic ear.
    I agree fully that any physical pushing, etc is 100% wrong. I am in therapy and it is not something that can continue. There are no excuses and it is not how I want to live my life and not how I want to treat people.
    The anal was a fetish. Which is fine but he denied it, refused to be open about it, and treated me like I was boring if I didn't want to be into it. It caused me a lot of anxiety and distress. It wasn't exclusive but it was central to things. Anyway it is over now, I told him I couldn't after back surgery, but I have trouble getting past it.
    The cheating was wrong and he knows. I was obviously looking for something. I admit I messed things up. Messed up thing is I want my husband back and I still have a desire to be with a woman. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head.
     
  5. Zen fix

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    It really sounds like you were being pushed into something you didn't want. Your anger is understandable. He was wrong to belittle you for not wanting the same kind of sex he wanted. It sounds like you're trying to move past it. I hope you find peace of mind.