Memories make sense

Hello everyone.

Where to begin…where memories make sense. In my teens, with a friend while on school holidays, and while his parents at work. Home together alone. Coming inside, he sat on the big armchair chair, and I on the armrest, there was a silence, we seemed to be waiting, an unspoken expectation. Desire for something. We were boys, maybe fifteen at the time. Still without words, I reached forward and down, gently purposefully slipped my hand under his belt and into the warmth of his trousers. Touch. At that moment (now a lifetime away) we both knew, I knew. Though I had never done that before, it was so familiar. We sat looking at each other. An intimacy welcomed without so much as a single word.

Then the sound of the key in the front door, his mum was home. Our unrehearsed rendezvous was over.

We never mentioned it again, drifted apart, and by accident or intention went to other ends of the high school yard, and kept our distance at parties. But always that knowing look, that glance to each other, but we didn't dare. Country boys. Gay was not seen, lest it be a hurtful joke at someone else’s expense. Homophobia had a name, and a sting.

Looking back again and again over the years, it was me who acted. The memory, romanized yes true, but accurate yes also true. Then folded up like a treasured letter and put away in the closet, until in these recent years, slowly opening that door. Wanting to step outside.

There were of course other occurrences, with another friend, we spent weekends riding our bikes out to the local lake, being naked was innocent. Again it was me who initiated. It was natural, there by the waters edge. And so many times since, in these straight played years, little things, all let slip pushed aside, but not unobserved internally, very much aware, building up in my being, one learns - almost without knowing - intuitively - as self protection and survival, how to block and cover, all the way to these words here now. To celebrate and share these feelings with you.

I welcome feedback, observations, your own experiences, recognition.

I realise now – though in stereotype I admit, we are viewed differently, as if odd or somehow lesser – by those of other sensual sensibilities, even in todays more open world (for depending on where you live, culture and beliefs are strong and deep rooted) that we who find our own - men attractive, we are not alone, nor are our experiences isolated, but are shared felt understood by each of us. Understanding, of self and of others, truly is a key. For if I know myself by just one percent, then I can know you by that same amount. Thank you for reading my story, for being here to hear.

Memories make sense.

 

Thank you SienaFire,

Unlearning..., healing..., it is enriching to read what you point too..!

I had not realised how much I have pushed down and out of sight... But never really gone, always there... Like layer upon layer of 'this is how it is' and its not true. That is the joy to me, seeing through very different eyes, more colour, more richness, more beauty, more everything.

That armchair, finding those warm trousers again seems not so far off, so distant, so out of reach... thank you.

---------- Post added 31st Mar 2017 at 12:59 AM ----------

PS: Have just read 'Healing the shame of being gay' and will be returning to do so again and again..There is ao much there which I relate, and so much that it bring a spotlight onto... for example and importantly "Accept and love yourself for who you are." No punches pulled, you have really helped open up the those bolted on outer layers of the onion for me. As if a layer of that case harded fear, that I wasnt really aware of has fallen away.. thank you. I'm glad to be here..

 

Postscript: Just a few minutes away, thinking on all I've said, and then all I've in your blog... comes that saying: 'when the student is ready the teacher appears' the ah hah moment, as it were. It is at this very instant like looking in the mirror, figuratively and for real, saying "I'm Gay and I'm Proud." And it is true...! Empowering....for reall."

---------- Post added 31st Mar 2017 at 01:39 AM ----------

Mav96213, Amazing, I can relate to so much of what you have shared.

For one, the seventies were difficult for me for sure... Being the young man the mould said I had to be and in a sense through ignorance and unnamed fear foing along like a lemming. Not in any way to slander my own intentions of anyone else...we all work with what we've got, which it seems can be heightened in the closeness of country town communities.

And what you said about: "But still, you notice yourself checking out guys in the mall.." (right up to today and more so, now though I'm pleased to openly acknowledge, I allow myself a knowing smile and say under my breath 'well of course'). Paraphrasing your words: so often I have sought to correct myself. Noticing a good looking women, but being honest with myself, I simply and truthfully notice guys, handsome guys, cute a lot more. I find guys to be sexy...appealing, its just how it is. ☺ drawing from something I just read it feels like "when one is filled with joy, whatever we see, hear, experience, feel brings us joy. So the word joy is perfect for how it feels. To repeat that simple yet powerful affirmation "Im Gay and I'm Proud to be Gay."

 

Pacing...thank you Keep posting, makes sense, your replys encouraging, like a hug..!

Yes, a straight life lived thats true. Funny (or sad) thing I thought - or didnt think or tried to ignore, for so long, so many years 'this is my life', of course Im happy - why wouldnt I be - but I wasnt. Square peg round hole...or I guess without intended crudity wrong hole. Yet deep inside (again no pun intended) that knoring truth about what I want to do, be. Like in your blog, that sense of wanting to live gay... not romanticised, but a determined self awareness of hidden behaviours, knowing there are like minded to share this with. Your suggestion to connect with with local LGBT group seemed to hit a welcome nerve... though maybe not yet, but soon.. Pacing, as you wisely advise.

Still mixed orientation, its such an old 'safe' habit.
But worn thin, just doesnt feel right, like I'm treading water, and can see my friends on the shore waving...! More and more of convenience and habit. Like leaves turning as autumn arrives, a matter of time till the wind blows... Its a complex place to be in...the layers are many.

 

There lays a plan for which the quote at the bottom of your post “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” seems poignant and apt.

The mixed blessing of hope, excitement and apprehension. Underpinned by a deep knowing, a yearning, unrequitted. Reaching out to each of you those waving friends.

It is a crossroad, a moment arriving, how to step, to reach out.

....and for he to unbuckle mine.

These words while poetic, are my heart pouring out. Thank you for this place friends on the shore.

 

Thank you, though like you no doubt as kids our parents told us beware strangers, with thumbs out on the road, danger can lurk. That being said, maybe wear a bandana of joys from afar with the smile of a teenager, then sure to connect, beneath waterfalls, hidden coves, camp fires under the stars, explore and discover the like minded of who we are... cheers and happy safe hitchhiking!

---------- Post added 4th Apr 2017 at 12:23 AM ----------

I read the poem, how raw and beautiful. Am how closely I relate. These words jumped out for me, to me: "... he found the treasure chest inside he found the strength to say, he is gay." And "...terrified of this word all his life, he didn't want to be different and feel ashamed (so true at such a deep and even primal level...OMG) by embracing this word he found the light," and "...comforts him like a warm cozy blanket (this feeling I have enjoyed, standing naked in front of a mirror, asking 'who am I?' " then "... found the strength to love himself and destroy his closet, I am gay."

".....no more lies, no more regrets"

I know this to be true, I am gay. This is me, just like you, just at different marks along our path.

How beautiful. Thank you

 

Dear SiennaFire, it is such an important, layered and rich question, which I want to come back to again (and again as you so kindly prompted to do), like shedding the layers of the onion, or better being the lotus coming into the sunlight.

The short answer is yes there is still much pretense, however, there is also much more openness, realizing-seeing that being honest, is a most special gift one can offer to others, to oneself be true.

While these words privately shared, beyond the reach of those near, beyond my own confrontation with the world, they inform and nurture self-confidence and understanding. The human condition we all live within is complex. I am no different, but unique.

It has been some fifteen or sixteen years since leaving married life. I recall one evening, some six months prior to that albeit sad yet important day, of asking (...late one evening and somewhat out of the blue, gingerly yet sincerely and searchingly...) what she would think, say if I was homosexual. The question met with a silence, a smile and a dismissal. We each returned to the pages of our books, never spoken of again. Soon after, under the pretense of not keeping her awake with my snoring, I began sleeping on the couch. The 'magic' and the desire gone. Was that my first coming out I wonder.

My mother too, I am sure at times, as we've sat watching TV on occasions, when programs close to the mark we shared, my reactions one of care to cover the joy and the phobia grappled with internally; the learnt behavior and the mask to cover, I'm sure all seen through, a woman's intuition, a mother misses little in our makeup.

While my partner of recent years often says of me, though outwardly masculine and all it entails, she says I am quite feminine in many ways, my likes, tastes, for art, for flowers, conversations, interests soft, care for others expressed so much more like that a woman.

And of women, I enjoy much the warmth of friendships. Yet in closeness, in intimacy, there has always been facade in my manner. Never quite fully engaged.

Pretense still there yes without doubt, it has though lessoned. I find a gentleness much closer to me. Not saying 'hey by the way I'm gay' (thought I do long to be open...to smile and say yes, and would you pass me the butter...), but rather, letting deeper feelings rise naturally, my personality simply to flower in my actions. Is it the right way, is there a wrong way. I feel not.

And in these words, in these thoughts shared, in this communication, comes unfolding, opening. Embracing pretense till its presence, is but reflection, then gone. Who am I. Does it matter what label there might be, it is I feel a journey more than a destination.