Hey all, I've been struggling with how to reconcile my past with my present. How the hell could I fall head over heals in love with a man and only to now realize how strong my same sex attractions are? I do consider myself bi, but that could change. Looking back there were so many clues I pushed to the side. Nevertheless, I have to believe my marriage would have worked if the dynamics in my relationship were different (which doesnt have anything to do with my sexuality). Does any of this make sense?
One of the reasons people sometimes do not realize they have same sex attractions until later in life is because of shame. As we go through life, we are constantly confronted with homophobic messages. And these messages cause us to raise a defensive mechanism and protect ourselves. To protect ourselves, whether consciously or subconsciously, we try and bury the same sex attractions deep down inside. So when you were younger, you might have been exposed to numerous homophobic messages, and your mind instinctively took a defensive position to protect yourself, and hence your true sexuality was hidden, even from yourself. I am curious, why do you need to believe your marriage would have worked if the dynamics were different? When I was married, I once thought all of my marriage problems had nothing to do with my sexuality. When the fact was, they had EVERYTHING to do with my sexuality. Did I feel neglected in my marriage? Yes, I did. However, I put up an emotional wall to begin with. I did not allow myself to form a proper bond with my ex wife. I had no idea how to really do so. Without this proper bond in place, the proper foundation for a two-way positively nurturing relationship was never going to happen. And, yes, I did love her when we married as well. But being in love, and opening up emotionally are not one in the same. What your reflecting makes a lot of sense. My experience is by no means reflective of what your experiencing and only you can truly learn to understand how your sexuality might have or not have impacted your relationship.
OnTheHighway - why I need to believe my marriage would have worked... Because, I desperately wanted my marriage to work. I poured my heart and souls into always trying to make things better. I desperately wanted to provide my kids with an environment of a mom and a dad that I did not have growing up. I love my husband and cannot stand the thought that any part of our past was not meant to be. That being said, we are both only children raised by our moms. The dynamic there was always too needy. Super attached and co-dependent. It's almost as if we were best friends, lovers and siblings. But he hid things from me too. He had sexual issues that he was never up front about either and he ignored how I felt about it. This came out in therapy. Maybe and most likely, my sexuality (and mountain of childhood baggage) influenced things. Relationships are just so complicated (new tag line and understatement of the year!!!)
OED24x, I ask myself similar questions (but then, I am very much 'questioning' How do you feel about the idea of sexual fluidity? It can be a bit controversial but if one accepts it it does reconcile the past with the present. OnTheHighway, I relate to what you say and I think my marriage failed for similar reasons. But I wonder - do you feel you put up the emotional wall because of your sexuality? Are you able to bond more openly with a male partner? I'm working on my problems with relating in psychotherapy and the assumption there is that the cause is to do with childhood and the problems exist whatever my sexual orientation. I haven't been in a relationship with a woman yet but I do worry that the same issues would arise in the end...
There are so many external reasons why people decide to get married and have a family, and once married impact how they live their lives together. I believe now that the best reason to get married is because of unconditional love - and allowing that love to guide the marriage in whatever direction that it is supposed to go. I understand what your feeling, I have been there. But what I have learned on my own journey is that marriage should not come with baggage which creates artificial expectations, and marriage should not be a a result of societal standards that push decisions on individuals which they otherwise would not have made on their own. Processing all of this is painful, however it is the necessary part of your journey of self awareness. I am sure you have been a fantastic mother, and nothing will ever take that away from you. And you have begun to realize the issues were two ways in your marriage (and they genuinely sound like that). Through all the challenges you are going through, I believe you will come out a better person on the other side. There will be some more baggage in your life as a result, but then again, we all have baggage - thats a part of life. ---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2017 at 09:03 PM ---------- My inability to truly connect with others was a result of numerous factors, and the emotional wall I build was a significant reason. I have worked hard to find closure and come to terms with all the various reasons. Today, not only do I feel I can now bond more openly with a male partner, but I have done just that. And I have a connection with my husband on a level I never would have previously thought possible. There is much more detail on my own journey in my prior threads. Rather than take up this thread to go into them, feel free to do a search on what I have written.
I do very much believe in sexual fluidity. I don't know how much traction this will get here, but I read a theory about female same sex attraction. As a mom I notice that women really do help each other raise their children. It truly does take a village. Back in our cave woman days we would form very close emotional and physical relationships with other women in our clan. This would relieve loneliness and ensure our children were cared for by other women. It's one theory another theory is after we have mated (had our children) our biological duty is done with the man and we can have the freedom to form attachments with women. Again, just a theory.
