Tonight I saw my catalyst again. Saw her over the weekend too. We are in the same social circles, our kids are close friends, in the same class, and we both lead our scout troop. We met leading a PTA committee. (I know - what would the other PTA moms think). Those who have read my threads know my marriage is basically hanging by a thread. She and I developed a close friendship and bonded over the struggles in our marriages. By the time she met me, her marriage was on the way out. She was really unhappy and needed a friend to confide in desperately. My relationship with my husband had experienced real highs and real lows. We have some toxic behavior but have always had a larger goal of having a family - we both are only kids raised by our moms. But when my mom died, I realized how far apart we were moving. I tried talking about this. It, like all of our issues, was swept under the rug. I realized I was falling out of love. AND, in the back of my mind, I have always been attracted to women. Long story short, both of our husbands found out that we crossed the line one night. She told her husband it was just a kiss. I admitted to my husband I had feeling for her. things got very messy. It was clear that it meant more to me than to her. She said she was curious. I tried to kiss her again one night (after her husband basically told her he was never invested in their marriage but now he wanted to help her heal) and she said she did not want a relationship with me. She said she was broken. This will be her second divorce (in between that another abusive relationship that left her with broke ribs and a fractured eye socket). That night we ended up making out anyway. I admit I came on to her really strong. I called her the next night to apologize because I knew she didn't want that and I knew she was vulnerable and on no position to think clearly. Anyway she got very upset that my husband wouldn't let us talk. In her mind I believe she thought we were just friends. My husband threatened to tell everyone about what happened. I told her I needed space to sort through my feeling about her and my marriage. I bought her a Christmas present and when I called she was a little standoffish. At cub scouts she cried and said she was just keeping her distance and it wasn't fair of me to change the rules and contact her when my husband and I clearly told her she couldn't be in our lives. So Fast forward to mow. We are friends but not close anymore. Sometimes it's uncomfortable and sometimes it feels like it used to be. No one in our social circle is any wiser. But we both know, both our marriages are breaking up. When I see her I feel so stupid for finding a connection in something that was one sided and never meant to be. Right now I'm just focusing on working to maintain a good relationship with my husband (as we are about to separate) and being a positive force in my kids lives, and staying centered and strong. I miss her friendship very much. Does anyone have tips for getting over their catalyst? I don't even like to admit she was my catalyst because then I would have to admit how emotionally involved I got and how real my feelings towards women are. I have been trying to push this aside for years. I can't deny it anymore. But I also think, what if it was just her? But, I know that's not true. She open d up something in me. Made me take a hard critical look at myself, how I wanted to live my life, and how my marriage was never going to be enough or fair for me or my husband.
It is hard for you because you cannot avoid her as she moves in the same social groups as you and it feels like the old wound is not being allowed to heal. You need the passage of time, like so many of us on EC who have fallen for someone with no hope of it being reciprocated. I don't like the phrase "get over it" either. More, it is a case of integrating this painful event into your life story. Therefore I am trying to see falling in love with a woman as a difficult chapter in my life and now I am continuing with the next chapter: it is not irrelevant to the current chapter and I am not ripping out the pages as if it never happened - it is painful, it is uncomfortable, but it is nevertheless part of my life story and it is unrealistic to try to forget it ever happened. Moreover, I learned new things about myself in the process. OED27x, do you have any friends that are not connected with her? If so, I would be inclined to spend quality time with them as part of the healing process. Do you have any hobbies that you can develop that might give you a sense of comfort, achievement or that have therapeutic value to you? My best wishes. It is hard enough struggling with the breakdown of a marriage, without the added complications of getting over unrequited love AND a sexual orientation crisis. Our stories are different but share common threads. We are in a difficult place. One day at a time, that's all I can say.
Thank you. I agree with what you said about seeing it as a painful chapter. I am trying to learn from it. I really shocked myself of with the intensity of my feelings for this woman - emotionally and sexually. I do have other friends I have been spending time with. I have also reached out to some old friends and family to reconnect. I have been focusing on my kids and trying to sort through where I am with my marriage. I love my husband but it has become clear to the both of us that we are at a spot where we need to separate. I need time to process what has happened in my marriage. I have been doing lots of yoga! Reaching out here on EC considering what it would be like to date (although lord that is down the road for obvious reasons), focusing on my job, etc. In short, I realize I need to develop myself and heal so I can be my best self moving forward.
Peterpangirl- I read some of your posts and it seems that we have a lot in common. I also have children, I'm in the process of a separation. I also have a tad of gender confusion with the whole penis envy! I love being a woman, love makeup, long hair, jewelry. But I have always had those fantasies about being the dude.
I have a strong urge just to reach out to my friend to tell her how much I miss our friendship and that I hope she is doing ok. But, then I think maybe I should just continue to give us space. I can let her know that I miss our friendship when the time is right and we are having a real conversation. I also don't want to open my old wound. But I do miss her as a friend.
I understand. You need to strike a balance now between showing kindness and letting go and moving on...
I know. That's why I reached out here. I can't go down that road again. Before I say or do something I regret I am just going to have to reach out sometimes. I am also trying to deal with my marriage collapsing so I need to stay centered. My husband finally told his mother we were having trouble and he began to look at real estate yesterday.
I texted my friend to tell her I was thinking about her and I hoped we could rebuild our friendship with time. I'm an idiot. I should just let things be.
What's done is done. Silence is... the worst thing. One can conjure up an infinite number of scenarios: she hates me, she's forgotten me, she pines for me, etc. Now she knows the simple truth. That seems like a much better thing. I hope it is. Take care of your heart.
Well my friend never texted me back. I know she is incredibly busy, and I won't attempt to read into it. But, I think I ought to get the picture that our close friendship is over. I don't blame her. A lot has happened and she wants to move on with her life. I get that. And I need to respect it.
I've been where you are...and probably many of us have. My catalyst was such an important person in my life - and her waking me up happened so quickly! It was so intense, from my side, and although we didn't even have a relationship, I still fell head over heels, and she woke up my sexual appetite in a huge way. I was so undone, and I texted her to tell her how I was so attracted to her, and after she let me know that she wasn't interested, I still wrote her a couple of more times - couldn't help myself. Now, I'm two months removed from it, still think of her all the time, but I don't act on it any more. And the intensity has waned - although, I'm so grateful for my catalyst in opening up this new awareness of my sexuality. I'm dealing with it within my marriage, but still unsure where everything will end up. All this to say, you are not alone. Many of us on EC are in the same boat -and this forum really helps to ease the stress. Take care!
Gosh, this right here. Truer words have never been spoken, lol. First, take it easy on yourself...it's been two years since I met my catalyst and it took about 1.5 years to finally move on from her from start to finish (after our brief friendship). I, too, missed the friendship but I realize now that it was a one-sided ordeal and even though I cared for her very much, it wasn't good for me. It's taken me over two years to finally get to where I am now and that is...still trying to accept my sexuality. Let me tell ya, I'm exhausted. There are good days and bad days, as is to be expected. Some days I'm angry. I don't want this path, I didn't ask for it. Some days, I'm completely content with it, but overall, it just depends. I didn't truly get over my catalyst until I met a woman I had very deep feelings for and although it was reciprocal this time, it still wasn't good for me...but it helped confirm my feelings for women in general. It will take time, patience, and growing. Transformation, of sorts. I don't think we are truly done with anything until we learn all of the lessons from it. Time and distance do help. Accept your feelings for what they are, consider therapy (if you haven't already done so) and read books that may help you along your path. Again, take it easy on yourself and be your own best friend. This path isn't for the faint of heart. It is not easy for anyone, but on the other side is growth and strength and a beautiful new you. You're in the beginning phases, but you're shedding a skin that is no longer of use to you. I love this quote, here: “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”
Well, I texted my friend again. She texted back that she wasn't ignoring me, she had been sick since a camping trip. She hopes I'm well. Etc. So, good. I know I need closure from this chapter. Maybe this provided that? I know she doesn't hate me. Maybe we can rebuild our platonic friendship? At least maintain a friendship which will for sure look and feel different than the one we had but still be involved in each other's lives, allow our kids to socialize, etc.
Well done OED27x. It seems you are making progress on your feelings, closing the chapter and opening a new one. This will always be a significant chapter in your life, but I guess it's important to remember that there will be other significant chapters and doubtless significant chapters that are happy...I'm thankful for EC as I think I'd be insane by now if there weren't other people who understand many of the emotions to talk to...
Thanks Peterpangirl. I do feel like I'm making progress on my feelings. It takes a lot of time to move on but I feel myself doing that. Feels good. I'm also making progress on accepting this part of myself - my gay side. Yay! I have been forthright with my husband that this is a part of me, it's not something that I can charge or want to change now! And he can't accept that but neither can I live a lie. So there you have it.
Quick update on rebuilding my friendship with my catalyst. She texted me a bit today, let me know she was moving to a new place next month and is planning a get together. I said I was looking forward and also offered help with the move, if needed. This is a big thing bc after she and I were intimate she and her husband got separated (she and I were only incidental to that decision). Anyway, she and I will slowly rebuild. I truly wish the best for her. My romantic and physical feelings aren't gone but I am in a better place to direct then another way. Moving in another direction with my heart. In addition, I have continued to reach out to my husband even though it's painful and we have a hard time communicating. And the guilt I feel for cheating on him is immense. No matter how long it takes, I will always try to improve/heal from/encourage my non-marital relationship with him. I don't believe in burning bridges. He will always hold a special place in my heart and it is very important that he knows that - despite how he may feel about me now.
Thank you for your update. It was lovely to read and I am so pleased for you that you are now back in touch. I hope it has made you feel better. You really are an amazingly brave and caring woman. x
