Hi EC'ers , I have been on here few months and Have told my story, long story short , my wife found out I was sleeping with guys months ago, she has known for 7 months . I admitted everything never blamed her and took complete ownership of the affairs . Been going to therapy for three months and my wife joined me about a month ago. I have said it from day one my wife has been amazing since dday, her first reaction was that I needed to find myself and heal the lonely pain and shame place I was in. I am proud to say I have really come around and have opened up giving my wife every detail about the infidelity and really having deep talks about my sexuality. Working hard with a PHD gay affirming therapist really can look in any mirror and comfortably say I am not straight and have zero need for any other label as I am not interested ito conforming to any others views regarding my sexuality . My wife has been open and very supportive of my honesty and openess to tell her everything and answe any questions. Reason for the update is we are doing great together and I am happy to say we are working towards reconciling together (even though never separated ). We both see happiness together and just accept we will have a marriage that is not "typical" or a mixed marriage because of sexuality , but we both are not interested in an open marriage at all. This is the choice I have made and she hs made . My one takeaway that is my biggest regret is that I never opened up to my wife earlier when I started to explore my curiosity on my sexuality . Of course the betrayal is the most horrible thing ever to do to a spouse and I am beyond remorseful and have committed to showing it to her every single day .
Mj5963 Your positive attitude is great! I am happy for you that you feel you have found a direction and are willing to work on your marriage. But, I have to ask this. How will you satisfy ALL aspects of your sexuality? See, for me, I am recovering from five years of dealing with the crisis that resulted, at age 50, of my need to experience gay relationships. While I remained faithful, I still almost destroyed my marriage by not being emotionally available. I had learned, over the years, to repress the same sex urges. In doing that, I also closed off my ability to be vulnerable with my wife, my family and my friends. All that changed by being able to BE what I am...a bisexual man. This week, I turned down three hookups. Instead, I'm meeting with a gay friend for a beer only. We'll hug, hold hands, talk about the hot waiter...my wife might show up later and we'll all have dinner. The thing is that my gay sexuality is normalized in my marriage. It is just a part of me that is OK with my wife. This isn't an "open marriage" in the strict sense of the word. It is an "accepting marriage". Can you do this within the bounds of your marriage? Can you express your entire sexuality in some way? To be clear, expressing and nurturing your sexuality does not need to include sex. Is part of your recommitment to each other include her commitment to providing an environment where you can do this? Don't let the guilt of your indiscretions drive you to making a "deal". You are still, BOTH, responsible for the marriage.
Appreciate your response , for me my interactions. With my gay friends remain , in fact my wife is joining me at a pride even this weekend. So for me my emotional needs are in check . I can't answer the sexual needs because right now they are really not even there for much anything . Will it change I don't know , what I know is I can't know the unknown. But I vowed I won't cheat again and if I get to the place where I need to satisfy my sexual needs outside of her I will Confide in her and from there well time will tell. My total point is I won't lie and deceive ever again as she never deserved it . Plus I can't look in the mirror again if I do it again s I told her I will be open and honest about it . We shall see what happened but for now our path is awesome
It sounds like a very constructive path both you and your wife have established. And while painful to get to this point, you have both developed the right honest and transparent foundation to make things work for the both of you. As it relates to satisfying potential needs, if they arise: a) if both you and she are committed to making the marriage work; AND b) your being honest and transparent with her going forward while the discussions might be uncomfortable if you need to have them, I would venture to guess she will be open minded to your requests. You still have a lot of talking that needs to be done between the two of you. While you have gotten to a great point, this will be an ongoing evolution. I would also advise one more point - you may instinctively feel discomfort and shame if/when your sexual urges return. And that discomfort and shame may lead you to internalized those feelings and impede your current desire to remain open and transparent. When and/or if this happens, you need to fight the urge to internalize the feelings, and force yourself to continue to make yourself vulnerable to her by remaining open and transparent. Regardless of whatever you think the consequences might be. The only way your relationship is going to work form here on out, is if you remain vulnerable to her. Keep up the good progress!
Awesome OTH and yes I am beyond open and transparent and feel I will tell her and she is participating in two events this weekend at south beach pride whereas never gone before . One big thing I told her for me to be authentic is I won't ignore my gay side nor my gay friends and will socialize and she can chose to join ornot and yes this is an evolution but moving in right direction. And I have been super honest that if she can't deal with it then I will accept divorce because I need to be happy and so does she
Just wanted to say that y'all are an inspiration. Being open and honest (to myself and others) is how I would like to live my life.
