Yesterday, I once again ‘tried on’ accepting myself as a gay man: sometimes I allow myself a mental (but not verbal) acceptance of the fact that I am gay. Whenever my thoughts tell me that I am gay and I accept this, the stress and worries about who I am stop. I start to feel stable and at peace for a while. I noticed that when I think that I am gay then I become a nicer, more peaceful person when I'm not fighting against it and obsessing over healing my marriage or wanting to be straight or bisexual so our marriage can continue. I am more peaceful, calm, thoughtful and considerate when I listen to my internal thoughts saying, ‘I am gay’. When I am scared and obsessing over my orientation and the potential fallout it might bring to my relationships and my future I am irritable, distressed and often snap at people. If I am to one day give voice to my internal testing of taking on a gay identity, then perhaps all this tension will ease away permanently. I have felt happy when mentally trying on this identity in the past, and there seems to be a correlation between me resting in the fact that I am gay and being nicer to others and happier in myself. I think this is pretty significant? :help: Today, I am back to feeling like I just want to throw up all the time. I'm thinking that I might be bisexual (sex with women is fun, right?), that I am just making up my same-sex attraction up to escape my marriage (the whole '7-year itch' thing), and that committing to being gay is not something that I want to do (I love my wife, and I want to be with her). I just want this confusion to end; can't take much more of this. Sorry to vent, but has anyone else experienced going through something like this?
Hey well you and I have posted on various threads and yes for sure have bascillated many times and it really is a real part of the unanswered parts of the journey. I have had several epiphanies along the way, however every once in a while doubt creeps in. For me a huge step though is my wife is joining me st pride this weekend in south beach so will see how that goes as I did tell her along with therapist for me to stay authentic I will interact. With my gay friends etc
Anger is a symptom of shame. Deal with the shame, heal the anger. Shame also prevents you from accepting whom you are. Deal with the shame, and stop the bargaining with yourself (wherever that takes you). You have tasted what self acceptance feels like, maybe it's time to embrace it.
AJ I felt the same way last spring when I finally decided I could disclose my sexuality to my wife. It was so freeing. I remember being amazed at how nice I was to everyone, including my wife who saw it instantly. I still find that when I remember to remain open to all my emotions and not hide them I am a better person. But, it takes work as OTH indicated to continue to deal with the shame that continues to remain to some extent. Somedays I just want to be the old Nick and not deal with this...I think that may be common...this vacillating that you have experienced also. There is comfort in what we know even if it is not good for us or those around us. This is a process and a bit different for each of us. But, certainly the feelings of doubt, the bargaining, the periods of elation and acceptance followed by the "hangover" the next day are not uncommon.
It definitely is AJ, and IMO a step forward in the right direction. I have been feeling similar for the last few months. Once I actually admitted to myself that I am gay (or bi) a lot of the internal conflict dissolved. Which has reduced my anxiety and enabled me to sleep most nights. Even though I haven't came out to anyone but my therapist, I feel more comfortable around other people. Especially gay people or even straight masculine men who I would previously put up a facade with and pretend I'm something I'm not. I do still have bad days, in particular because I'm yet to tell my spouse what's going on in my head. But I'm definitely obsessing less on trying to predict my sexuality and realising I need to let things happen naturally. Which has been mildly liberating.
AJ, These are all great responses, and I especially agree with ridding yourself of the gay shame that has infiltrated your thinking all these years. Accepting myself as a gay man, abandoning the shame of being gay, the shame of hiding in the closet, and the shame of deceiving my wife is what brought me out of a two-year-long depression. It stopped the severe anxiety I had developed. There were days I felt I could barely breathe because the anxiety was so bad. I would suggest that you actually vocalize your acceptance. Saying, out loud, "I am gay" did make a difference for me. It may for you as well. Stand before a mirror, look into your own eyes and say it to yourself out loud. Do it often, daily. My experience was a bit different than yours. By the time I came out to my wife, I had already reached full acceptance of being gay, and had already rid myself of the shame I had for being gay (still had shame for the deception though, it took more time to let go of that). Because of that, by the time I came out to her, I already knew that my marriage was over and that we would need to divorce. Regarding this part of your post: 1. Please don't confuse sexual behavior with sexual attraction. It is entirely possible to engage in sex with a woman and still be gay. Sex feels good. The real question is whether you have real attraction to her. 2. Why would you, or anyone, make up a same-sex attraction to escape a marriage. Couldn't you just have "fallen out of love" with her? Many, many straight people divorce their spouses and escape their marriages without going "gay" so that doesn't seem like a reasonable theory to me. 3. "Committing to being gay is not something I want to do (I love my wife, and I want to be with her)." Please consider that you have a natural fear of a future without your wife and the life you have built with her, and you fear being alone, and you fear the unknown of trying to date men in this new "gay" world of yours. Those fears are real and reasonable. But please remember that if you hold on to your wife and stay with her out of this fear, not only will you be denying yourself the future you deserve, you are also potentially robbing her of a healthy future as well. Doesn't she deserve to be with a man who can truly love her in all the ways that you can't? I know you love her, but isn't there an element of "fake" in that love that you've been faking all this time? 4. If you truly loved her in all the ways a heterosexual man can love a woman, why would you ever have needed an "escape"? I know the feelings of being trapped and needing an escape, and you should listen to those feelings more carefully. They're trying to tell you something. Take care. ride:
