Waiting for other people to decide things/being patient

One of my biggest weaknesses I believe is the fact that I am not the most patient person. Sometimes I think I can be, but generally I hate waiting for people to make up their mind about something. Everybody is different and some people take time to make decisions, but the waiting drives me crazy. It weighs on me and I just want to force a decision to be made, which tends to not work out in my favor. I kind of feel like learning to be patient with others and even with myself would be a huge thing. I'm trying right now, but it accesses my fears and mistrust of others.

The two examples I can give in my life right now, and please no judgment about the situations, just showing you the waiting I am doing and why it is driving me crazy -

1-My ex is going through a really tough time emotionally. We're still doing the close contact, me sleeping over sometimes, cuddling, intimate, talking all the time thing. The only reason we haven't had sex is because she's that depressed and in a funk. Thankfully she's seeing a therapist for the first time today. She wants to work through this for herself and be happy for herself. In a way she's basically said give me time and be patient with me as I work through this, but she hasn't said it as a means for us to get back together or anything like that. In fact she's said don't wait for me essentially, but mostly because I think she thinks that's too big of an ask (plus doesn't know what she will want).

So it's hard now because in a way I feel like I should be patient and wait it out and see what happens, but then I feel like what if I wait and she decides she doesn't want to be with me? Will I have wasted all of that time for nothing? Is it even wasting time if I use it to better myself? But I'm not even sure where to start with that. I generally feel like I'm still going through the motions on life. I'm not sad per se, I just feel a bit numb to everything. What adds up to making me a better, more confident individual? In my mind one thing is learning to be patient. I know if I pushed her for an answer she'd say just let go. And also given her mental state, I don't want to push her. I love her and I hate seeing her so sad and depressed. I'm really glad she's seeing a therapist finally. And I want her to be okay. I want to be with her, so in a way I feel like I should wait...but like I said, I fear and don't trust that she will choose to be with me when all is said and done. And its something I have no control over.

2-I've talked about my friend/FWB many times on here. Last update was that he decided he wasn't attracted to me anymore (again, though he said he was lying the first time he said it 6 months ago, but hard to believe someone who says they're lying to you) and wanted to end our "deal." That said, I've also realized I'm over my romantic feelings for him. I lust after him. I enjoy performing oral on him more than anything. And let's face it, our deal for the longest time has basically just been sex for money. I think we both lied to ourselves (or at least I lied to myself) and said I was giving him money to help him and he was having sex with me because he wanted to and the two weren't related, but they were. Clearly. For a long time. And since I had feelings for him, I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe he was only doing it because he wanted to, not for the money. Not that he would do it not for the money though (it seemed).

So, being where I'm at thinking about the whole thing, I decided to offer him to continue the deal we had and made it clear that its a sex for money trade. No questions about it. We both know what we're here for. I've even said I just want to perform on him and that's it. Yes I know this probably isn't the healthiest thing, but I'm okay with it for right now. And I've done it in the past with escorts, etc. As long as we're all legal adults and understand what is going on, I don't see an issue.

He's hesitant. He's taking time to think about it. And that's fine. Thing is with our cycle, I suspect in three months if I just wait he'll want to do it again anyway. But here's the waiting issue I'm having trouble with - I already "paid" him at the end of March. I gave him $300 and he knew what it was for. He took it but decided four days later to end our deal. Now I've said to him that I'd like to try the new deal and since I gave him that money we can count it as the first time, and if he doesn't want to continue after that then no biggie. If he does, cool. And if he doesn't want to try at all, he can just give me that money back. He's far from hurting for money so I know he has it to give me, there's zero reason to worry as a friend that he's struggling. He agreed and said that if he decides he wants to give me the money back, he will right away.

That was on Saturday. It's now Wednesday. He's made no mention of the conversation, nor has he given me the money back. I promised to not bring it up again since I don't want to be pushy. End of the day if he doesn't want to do the deal I'm fine with it. For once I don't feel desperate or heartbroken over it, I just lust after him and this would get me what I want in that regard. But it isn't a need. I want to give him time to decide, but how long do I really wait? Frankly even if he gave me my money back now, it doesn't mean he won't change his mind later and that's fine. I just feel a bit taken advantage of and feel like he's saying he's thinking about it just to not give me my money back. Which, given our friendship, kind of hurts. Like I said, it's not like he doesn't have the money. I have a hard time trusting people in general, I'm sure this goes back to growing up with my parents. But then he's also admitted to lying to me a lot, so that doesn't help.

Part of me wants to say hey it's been a few days, can you decide please? But part of me wants to be patient and give him time. I'm thinking a month. Maybe that's too long? Maybe two weeks makes more sense? It seems like a simple decision to me, and frankly like I said he could think about it for as long as he wants to if he gives me my money back. I probably wouldn't say no to starting again in the future if he came back to me wanting to. It's more the part where he's holding onto that $300 while I wait for a decision. But I know again if I push him or ask him for the $300 back outright, he will decide to just not go for the deal. I think even if I bring it up in a month or a few weeks he will act that way, but I think if I've waited a month and he still hasn't said anything to me, well that's a good point to say screw it just give me my money back. Because then it really is just being taken advantage of.

Like I said, I suck at being patient.

 

I think that's a fair assessment. I mean, to me it feels difficult when those decisions are based on the people in question. But I suppose maybe part of it is I focus too much of my time and energy on other people instead of on myself and more general wants/needs. Like, instead of wanting a happy relationship, I want a happy relationship with specifically my ex, etc. I have to let go of the aspects I cannot control.

---------- Post added 5th Apr 2017 at 07:43 AM ----------

I feel like this goes into my general feeling of being lost and honestly kind of not knowing what I want. It is tough. I'm not even that focused on my sexuality anymore because I'm generally not finding guys that attractive lately and I always at least had that even when I didn't know if I could find the romantic connection with a guy. I generally have no idea what I want or need. I mean, basic needs sure, but besides that I kind of feel like I'm just existing. Not even sure if that's a complaint.

 

Hey Nick,

I was going to message you privately but you're not a member who can receive private messages. Part of me was wondering what your thoughts were earlier since you alluded to having some but staying only on the topic since I asked. Wouldn't mind discussing those if you're up for it.

I definitely think you have a point. I agree with the whole "straight guys don't sit around obsessing over their sexuality" point. And I don't want to anymore either. Maybe I'm just not sure how to maintain enjoyment anymore. I know the things I like and the things that entertain me. And I do live life, as it were. I was on vacation in Orlando with a bunch of friends for almost a week last Wednesday through yesterday. We had a blast. And I have my boxing, and movies, and concerts...I actually do a lot. I kind of think being in a relationship makes me happy and I don't know that that's a good thing per se. And feeling appreciated makes me feel good.

I think maybe the changing relationships with the two people I've been closest to for the past two years is just weighing on me.

 

Hmmm, I'm not sure that it relates to me but it is something to think about. I mean, I think I try to please others at my own expense in general, but not necessarily sexually. I've said no to doing things that I felt would be demeaning to me sexually. Even when my FWB who I've clearly given a lot of power to has tried it (I think he only tried it specifically to see how far of a line he could push).

That said, as a slight update, he and I talked again about the whole thing and he's generally just not interested in continuing to hook up right now. I don't get why, but I appreciate that this time he's being calm about it and not saying never again and don't hope for it to ever happen. He's done that in the past every time we've stopped. This time he's said clearly he knows it could happen again, and that he can change his mind. It just isn't changing right now, this soon. Last time it took 3 months. It may never change, or it may again before long. I guess we won't really know until it happens or it doesn't. And that's fine.