Today I decided to share with my conservative godmother that my husband and I are in a transition period---that I have grown tired of his emotional, mental and verbal abuse. And that in the future we are going to divorce. I also told her that my best friend growing up and I were more than just friends and it's extremely complicated. I hesitated for just a second before I told her and quickly followed up with please don't shun me or disown me---because of who I am---because of who I may love. It was such an automatic response for me. The Catholic school girl. Communed, reconciled and confirmed to be the virgin bride who saved herself for her husband, bore his children and tended to the home. I used to try and convince myself that I wasn't who I always felt I was, that I didn't love who I had so clearly always loved. It was so "easy" for me to live the life plotted out for me when that was all I knew and yet now so painful for me to look back on all the years, energy and unwaivering commitment I put into keeping up with the role I was "born" to play. I fell in love with my best friend at 14 and although my immature self at that age had no idea what was happening and no idea what to do with it I knew that deep down it felt good to love her and was the most natural thing for me to do. The world I lived in at the time was not very accepting and I convinced myself that I couldn't love her that I would disappoint everyone else. Because loving a girl meant no church wedding (and grandma would be furious!), no white dress, no children. Loving her meant that I couldn't sign Christmas cards as Mr. And Mrs. Loving her meant that I wasn't "normal." I grew up wearing a uniform to school every day, recited the same prayers as everyone....All my friends liked boys. I had to too. Right? Wrong. As I have come to know and accept loving her was so very right and right because I loved her. And for no other reason. Loving her was part of my truth. Loving her has allowed me to walk away from others wants, needs and expectations and into my own light of truth, acceptance and authenticity. Loving her, all These years later, has allowed me finally see there is another path. That I deserve to be me, without trying to hold to someone's standards. That I deserve to be me and that I am not who everyone said I needed to be nor am I any of the awful things he has told me I am. I am who am I. I love who I love.... My godmother was very accepting and supportive. Her response was very much appreciated. Gladly I have not been disowned and am still very much part of my crazy wonderfully dysfunctional family and I wouldn't want it any other way ❤️ I know I don't post a lot lately but I am around....it has been a hell of a hard past six months. Just trying to get my footing again and build confidence so I feel that what I have to offer by way of support and advice is worth it. I am always here in spirit following your journeys ....thanks for listening to mine (*hug*)p
It was brave of you to come out to your grandmother. Sounds like you have learned a lot and grown a lot.
