From the outside my life looks good, happy, etc., and often I think that it doesn't matter how unhappy I am because nobody else knows what's going on in my head, and everything looks fine from the outside. It's only me that has to know about what's going on in my head and how I feel, so if I keep quiet, then everything will be OK. Throughout my questioning, I've seen my relationship as 'safe'. So no matter where my questioning has taken me, I still the relationship to hide behind. I feel like I need the time to hide, so that I come to terms with my questioning on my own. Can anyone relate to this?
Hi JimP, Welcome to EC! I hope you find it helpful and supportive. Glad that I am not alone in feeling this way. How long have you been questioning? Does your partner know you're questioning?
It depends how you define 'safe'. If you have this lingering feeling of unhappiness and an emotional storm raging inside, is that a safe feeling? Is it emotionally safe? In asking these questions, I'm not trying to suggest that you are unstable in your mood or feelings and I'm sorry if I come across as challenging, but I just wonder if it really is as safe and secure as you imagine. It looks good and happy, but looks can be deceptive, can't they?
I have been questioning for years. I think all my life but the last 5 years a lot. Just now have nerve to talk about it. My partner does not know about it.
Thank you, that's a very good point. No, it's not safe in the sense you describe, i.e. I don't feel safe within the relationship itself, but it's existence has element of safety to it. By which, I mean stability in a practical sense, there's no upheaval or change to my day-to-day life, it's familiar, and I'm not alone. Also, no matter what's going on inside me, nobody else is going to question my sexuality. I have moments of feeling really sad, like an ache, but most days I don't think about my sexuality that deeply and just go about my day-to-day life. I suppose keeping it inside gives an element of control, that I wouldn't have if other people knew. I suppose I'm unwilling to be vulnerable. ---------- Post added 7th Apr 2017 at 01:48 PM ---------- Congratulations on taking this step! My partner doesn't know anything either. I've not shared my questioning with anyone. Keep posting on EC. It's hugely helpful.
Sure! Right now I'm reluctant to come out to too many people cuz it makes me really nervous, and sometimes spending time alone to self reflect is easier. This is not something you have to rush. But if it ever eats at you or whatever, don't be afraid or ashamed to get help Also, It's ok to look vulnerable sometimes because it's when we're vulnerable and honest that we can become the most genuine, confident selves.
The "safety" that you percieve is not "safety", it is more like hiding. Hiding behind an emotional wall which you perceive as being safe. It might feel comforting, but I would simply caution that such comfort may actually be holding you back from your true self. And if it is holding back whom you truly are, sooner or later your true self will decide it's time to come out. There is no hiding from whom we really are. There is bargaining, there are emotional walls, there is personal confusion brought on by homophobic messages, but we are whom we are. Your job is to try and eliminate the confusion, bring down the wall, and live life authentically.
lostindaydreams, you know I've been in a similar position before and wrestled with so many similar questions, I know how these things can be really difficult to sort through. One of my best friends posted something on my Facebook coming out post (I came out on facebook recently), it relates a lot to this idea of safety: ''And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom''.- Anais Nin. It felt quite meaningful to my journey. Think about what you're risking by staying "safe".
There is so much that rings true for me in what you have shared. Now as I come out more and more to myself, and move toward others with same intention to come out; these hiding behaviours I've lived with, survived by, hidden behind, become clearer and clearer. Looking safe, now I wonder if that realy the case. But for me in truth it is Im finding more about a habitual avoidance of the pain of change, of what might happen, of what people might say. Ones self protection against hurt is hard welded on. More obvious and more subtle though are the ways I have hidden who I am. So much fear pentup from childhood days. This journey, this self discovery, this EC support among likeminded good heart travellers, is a balm, a springboard, and notably a mirror, to look inside, and I am finding a prompt for thoughtful compassionate forward action. Thank you for sharing your story, your life, your hurt, your heart.In your journey I see my own. Thank you.
I understand the feeling of 'safety' in a heterosexual relationship, it can provide a good 'cover' for whatever is really going on in our own heads. After all, it does look all good from the outside. It can appear that, 'if I just keep quiet', everything will be okay. It seems like a good short-term plan, but long term-- keeping quiet, about any of our feelings or emotions can feel like a prison; a lonely place with no support around these issues. The emotional price to pay for the safety of your relationship, for the 'benefit' of everything looking good on the outside could be very high. Are you seeing a therapist? This could be very beneficial. In therapy you would at the very least be able to express yourself, to say the words out loud, and this in itself could feel like a huge release. I suppose I was lucky(or it was easier) in a way in that I had been divorced a few years by the time I started questioning and then started a relationship with a woman. So I can't exactly identify with what you are going through--being married and struggling with questioning. But I can relate to the suffering that has occurred when I have held feelings and emotions inside; when I haven't been true to me. (A long pattern in my life!) Therapy has been very helpful for me. Just know you definitely aren't alone in what you are going through!
I get people's points about false safety, but you are going through big emotional changes at the moment and are still figuring things out. I really admire people who have the capacity to turn their worlds completely upside down once they realize they aren't straight, but I don't think that necessarily works for everyone. If being in this relationship doesn't make you miserable, and it provides some stability while the rest of your world/emotions/thoughts are in revolt, then I think that's ok. But yes, I agree that you have to be weary of how heavily you rely on this crutch. Just be careful that you're not suppressing who you are to maintain that stability. When the time comes and you feel like your thoughts are clearer (though I warn you, I don't think there's often a big AHA! moment), then you have to let go of this safety net and make changes.
