I've always had trust issues to begin with. One of the few things my parents actually gave me, haha. I have issues trusting that people even like me most times, let alone trusting things they say or do. But there are some people I've managed to actually allow myself to trust. Friends, romantic partners, some family. And I think that's why their betrayal if I find out they've lied to be or broken a promise to me feels even worse. I've more than outlined my roller coaster relationship with my friend, roommate, and more often than not FWB. Lately the biggest issue I have is realizing that he's lied to me, a lot. When I'm angry about something, I tend to get over it pretty quickly. But I'm not angry about this. And I can't seem to get past it. To the level where I barely want to see him or hang out with him. I already told him that this was difficult for me that I know he lied to me, and I don't want to tell him that again. It just is what it is at this point. I don't think it is something he's going to fix, I think it's something I need to figure out. It's just really hard when you realize that you don't think you can believe a word somebody says. Especially someone who you did trust in so many ways. My therapist even pointed it out to me. Latest example, my friend recently called off our FWB arrangement (again). In the past when he has, he's usually said it will never happen again. He's twice now (including this time) said he's no longer attracted to me. But this time he hasn't said never again to us hooking up. He's admitted that it could happen again so there's no point in saying never. He's just saying no right now. But maybe one day if he wants to again. He even pointed out and acknowledged that he knows he changes his mind and it took a few months last time (we've been through this cycle a lot). My therapist pointed out he's already contradicted himself in those statements. If he wasn't at all attracted to me anymore, why say hey maybe we'll hook up again one day? Usually when you lose attraction to someone, you can safely say you're not going to want to sleep with them again. And this is where the distrust comes in. Something is a lie, but what? Is he telling me "never say never" because he knows it's what I want to hear? Because he doesn't want me to be angry at him? Because he wants to keep me on the hook, so to speak, so I don't just give up, if he decides he needs me or wants me? Is he attracted to me but just choosing to not sleep with me (which you're allowed to do) but telling me he's not attracted to me because that's not something I can argue with? Does it maybe have nothing to do with him at all and it's his boyfriend deciding he doesn't want us to do it anymore but he's taking the bullet, so to speak, so that I'm not angry at his boyfriend? Is it just plain old immaturity? He likes to try and control the situation and I think the easiest way for him to do that is by saying whatever it takes. But now that I've had the glass shattering moment of realizing that, it really feels like I can't trust him at all (or what he says at least). I hate this feeling of not being able to trust him. And I'm afraid that it's making me wonder if I can trust others even. So how would you get over feeling like you can't trust a friend? I don't want to cut him out for good, even if I've backed off on our friendship a lot. I just want to try and trust again.
He is supposed to be a FWB, and your treating him as if he is more than that. At the same time he is an immature kid, he does not know better. He lacks life experience. This is why wide age gaps when one person is so young tend not to work. This is your codependency in action. You need to move on and stop wasting emotional energy on him. Your only hurting yourself by continuing to do so. And it really pains me to read all the negative energy this causes for you; especially when I do not see the necessity given your allowing an immature kid to impact you so deeply. Don't blame him, look inside yourself.
Okay. Part of my reason for posting is to ask "hey, how do you guys suggest I get past this?" I've acknowledged that I know it's not something he's going to fix and I want to fix it myself, but since you correctly surmised that I tend to be codependent and thus expect other people to do the work for me, I honestly don't know how to do it on my own. I thought maybe some people here would have suggestions or ideas. That I would find helpful. Also just because I have issues doesn't mean that he's innocent. He's still factually lied to me, a lot. And he wasn't always just a FWB, he was once the first guy I ever had romantic feelings for. Even past having those feelings, he was still someone I cared for greatly. So it hurts feeling like I can't trust him. Telling me "you need to let go" doesn't actually help me do it. Especially when I'm here acknowledging that I know it's what I need to do.
Then first and foremost you need to find closure. I can appreciate the romantic feelings you had, especially given he was the first guy you felt that way about. Closure requires you come to finality with the situation and realize you can personally move on from it. No single event leads to closure, it's a process. The first part of the process is to build confidence in yourself and to love yourself for whom you are. When you are this point, closure becomes much easier as you do not need the approval of others to feel good about yourself. Once you get to this point, you might come to realize the feelings you have for him are not based on your love of him, but only on how he actually makes you feel about yourself. To be clear (there are two distinct concepts here) there is nothing wrong with having emotions with someone that makes you feel good. However, the feeling should also include how you feel about him as a person. You should feel just as good about whom he is as a person as he makes your feel about yourself. And if one half of that equation is missing, then the relationship is not meant to be. It's clear, from a third party perspective, that a key half of the equation is missing. Next, in any relationship emotional connection should be mutual. It seems clear to me that he does not have the emotional maturity to provide you with mutual feelings. You need to accept that he is incapable of giving you the reciprocal emotions. He is young, inexperienced and immature. Don't let your codependency tell you otherwise. Finally, have a very frank an honest discussion with him. No ambiguity, no leaving the door open. You need to direct the discussion, not let him direct the discussion. You need to take command of the situation and make it clear that a real relationship is not possible. Be strong, be firm. Have the discussion. This is the critical path I see ahead of you.
Bingo! The reply post helped me figure something out on my end to. So double bingo. ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2017 at 06:44 AM ---------- Thank you OnTheHighway for this post. You hit two birds with one stone for I too garner info from the post. Some of the reply posts points apply to "situations" I am currently involved in.
So if this really is the nub of the problem, my solution would be to simply take him at his word. The thing that immediately jumps out at me is that I don't understand what the contradiction is. He basically told you that he's not attracted to you and that he might sleep with you again. That's not contradictory. It's just not. In fact, from what you have said about your relationship, it seems to me highly likely that both of those statements are true. It seems to me that he might finally be being honest with you (and himself) about what's going on here. In fact given what you have said about your relationship what strikes me is just how honest it seems that he is being. If I were you I would take some serious time to think over what you actually think the contradiction is. What exactly is it that you are protecting by thinking it is contradictory? Is it possibly that it was never actually about attraction on his part? Is it that sex and love don't always go hand in hand? Is it just that the relationship will never actually be what you thought it was or was going to become. I'm sure there are plenty of other unpleasant truths it could be covering--only you know what they are.
I think you've hit on the issue though that I'm dealing with - I don't know if he's being honest this time because I took him for his word previously and he admitted (or claimed) later that he was lying those times. It doesn't matter to me too much if he's attracted to me now, honestly. The issue is for me I believed him when he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore in October of last year. We started hooking up again in December (his idea). So when we just now stopped again and he said its because he's not attracted to me anymore, I pointed out that he said that in October. His response was "oh I was lying back then because I was still attracted to you, but this time I'm telling the truth." Isn't this the issue with anyone you know has lied to you? Why trust that this time they're telling the truth when they admit to lying before? If it's even true that they were lying before. It's hard to take someone at their word when they've already admitted to being dishonest. You may be right, maybe the whole thing about admitting he knows he might change his mind again is honest (it's certainly statistically true) and he hasn't mentioned not being attracted to me again since that first convo about it. Generally like I said, I just don't like this feeling that someone I consider very close to me I suddenly am not sure if I can trust him. There's other things he's said to me in the past and later said were lies too. So this isn't new per se, it's more that my romantic feelings for him are gone and thus I think I'm seeing more clearly stuff like this that he's done. Honestly at this point I know it's purely lust that I have for him on a physical level (I do care about him as a friend otherwise). So if he said hey let's have sex but I'm not attracted to you, I wouldn't care snd I'd do it. Because I'd be getting something I want. This is just about trying to trust his word again. ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2017 at 08:46 AM ---------- Thank you for all of that OTH. It's a lot for me to think about. I'm sure the first part about building confidence in myself is what I'm most stuck on right now but also working on. I think if I were a more confident person I'd probably have no problem saying "oh you lied to me, I'm done here" as oppose to struggling with wanting to get past it so that I don't have to give him up entirely. When he and I first msg and started hanging out, crazy as it may sound, he did provide me with a lot of what I needed emotionally and what I wasn't getting from my fiancée at the time. There's a reason he and I became so close so quickly. I'm not going to try and figure out his feelings or if they were honest back then, because it's pointless. That situation was what it was. And it changed a lot over the past two years. And it took me a long time to get past having romantic feelings for him, which I think is already a huge step. I literally just started to notice I don't have those feelings anymore in the past month.
