Feeling paralyzed

You're not alone, been there. One of the most frightening things is to have the courage to call a counselor, but it is an essential step that you'd never regret. The least they can provide is a safe environment to vent out your emotions.
Your situation is not easy and I empathize with how you feel towards your wife and the obligation of keeping the family together. May be it is not the right time for you to bring this issue up but eventually it is going to happen, it is a matter of finding the optimum time to do it, you have to be prepared emotionally, physically and financially though. Take baby steps, move forward, and calculate your moves very carefully.
It IS going to get better.

 

That is such a tough situation, thank you for sharing everything about it. You'll definitely find that you're not alone here and many people on EC have been through or are going through similar experiences. So please, keep posting here as an outlet for your thoughts so that they aren't just trapped inside your head.

And yes, call a counselor. That would be a huge first step and will help you to figure out what you need to do to be happy. Choosing to see a therapist was one of the best decisions I ever made. And right now it sounds like you don't make any decisions that are specifically for you or your best interest, which can be a very empowering and self soothing thing to do when you do it. Choosing to see a counselor would be exactly that for you. So I have to encourage you do that first and foremost!

 

Agree with the other posts , find a gay affirming therapist , that doesn't mean he or she is trying to get you to "be gay" but they have experience with similar men . Mine has been doing it for 25 years and sees so many married men questioning their sexuality. He helped me work through all of this and while there is not an end date and a static diagnosis , he helped me understand myself way more so I can be honest and open to my wife. This way she knows everything so we can be honest and open as we work together to reconcile or not . It is a challenge that we all are in and have to find resolution or depression becomes your biggest enemy.

 

Go on psychology today web site put in your zip code to find a therapist and you can search for therapist that have gay as one of their specialities , you can contact them and ask questions and ask if they have deep expeirnce with married men or bi men questioning sexuality

 

Consider that u might be bi. Most gay men that I've known have never had sex w a woman - so that makes u different than most gay men. If u married your wife, u must have had some attraction to her. Again, different than most gay men, who don't feel any attraction to women.

Of course u could be gay- sexuality can be fluid, & changng. I'm wondering:

- have u considered re

 

My experience was kind of different with this regard. I did look into psychology today and I was looking for someone who'd acknowledge faith/sexual orientation issues as well as accepts cash (reasonably priced) since I didn't want any paper track on my insurance for my wife to see. I ended up with a small practice in a small town nearby. The counselor was receptive and helped me realizing different things happening in my life. He did not help me with my sexual identity and accepting myself though. I had to look for someone else later on (after about a year). And then changed to a third one once I was comfortable with who I am and what I wanted. The last one, I especially selected because of her lgbtq experience, and it says that in their profiles. I called and at this point I didn't care what shows on my medical records since my wife knew that I'm seeing a therapist, but not necessarily the reason why! but we had marriage issues too that I took to justify my need for therapy.
I live in a small town and I have to drive more than an hour to get to any one of those I picked, which is ok with me since I don't want to get the exposure of a small town therapist or near by, nothing stays secret in a small rural areas! your situation might be different though.

 

I'm sorry, my screen froze... so continuing

- have you considered resuming your connection with the man you were seeing? This could be a good thing.

- I agree about seeing a therapist. I'm curious if you wife knows of your attraction to men, and if so, her reaction. I've found this is threatening for most women. Yet relationships are a compromise. Seeing a therapist, I think you'd eventually have to be honest with your wife. What about starting the process now? Say in a light handed manner "I saw this really cute/hot/handsome guy today." See what her reaction is. It could be a way to open a dialog.

 

I'm going to disagree with you here. Speaking from firsthand experience, I've had two relationships with women and enjoyed sex with them and found myself attracted to them physically because of the emotional bond we shared. I don't think of myself as bisexual, I do think sexuality can be fluid, but honestly I think the likelihood of me being gay is very much there, even if I've fallen in love with women.

Not to say the OP can't be bi (certainly something for everyone to consider), but your argument that "most gay men" can't have genuine feelings for a woman at some point in their life and enjoy sleeping with said woman I just don't see as true.

---------- Post added 10th Apr 2017 at 06:52 AM ----------

Personally, I just googled for a gay-friendly therapist in my area. Now granted, I live in NYC, and you can find most things in NYC. I'd say if you know of any LBGTQ centers in your area, they could be a good source of information and maybe suggest somewhere to go for counseling.

 

I concur with CameOutSwinging with regards to disagreeing with BeingDude! from my personal experience, I was never attracted to women, but societal norms forced me to seek marriage, once I did I had a successful sexual relationship with her for more than 20 years, but never felt the attraction, never looked at other women sexually, and continued admiring other men. Being sexually "successful" with a woman doesn't mean that I'm not gay, I know who I am. Sex is not about the mechanical action but it involves other feelings that were totally missing from my marriage life.

Questioning one's sexual identity is a healthy process, but one has to be truthful about it. I had the thoughts of "I might be bi" and even "I might be straight" due to sexual success with my wife, but those thoughts never lasted for a whole day as far as I remember!

 

I think it would be helpful for you to take some time and read the stories of the people who post in this forum before making such a broad statement that invalidates the OP's (and others') experience and feelings. Many folks here have been involved in mixed-orientation marriages because the shame and internalized homophobia of being gay caused us to enter the closet or remain in denial until later in life when we began the questioning and coming out process.

 

I read the post differently than you SiennaFire. Living in a city like San Francisco with a large LGBT population, and comparing it to many people I have met over the years in London (also a city with a massive LGBT population), I can see how BeingDude may only know out gay men that have not had sex with woman.

Some of my friends in London have gay oriented social circles which have evolved from their childhood through school and on as they have built there careers. For these, they have not been exposed to many later in lifers whom were in mixed marriages or had heterosexual relationships.

i am not suggesting this is a fair perspective, as many of us later in lifers recognize how such relationships evolve. But the concept BeingDude is reflecting is certainly not a foreign one.

That said, to your point, there may be a false perception that some of us have where we believe gay men simply do not have sex with woman. I can recall my own thoughts prior to embracing my sexuality where I certainly held this perception. Notice I do say "held this perception" as it is one that I indeed created for myself. I created it because it helped me justify to myself that I was not in fact gay when I was living in the closet behind my emotional wall. Now, as I sit here today, I can see perfectly well how someone whom is gay is able to sleep with woman while they are seeking the safety of the closet; as it is what I did.

So, while there are gay men that could never have sex with a woman, there are many that are able to. Not sure how to quantify the amounts for each, but I know plenty of later in lifers whom are gay and have slept with woman just as I know many that never entered a heterosexual relationship of any form whether romantic, sexual or otherwise.

 

SierraFire & COS: I'm not saying it doesn't happen, that gay men can't have a close relationship w a woman, or that no gay men have ever had sex w a woman. I've been bi all my life, except for 5 years when I lived in SF, & thought I was gay... only to find out that I am more comfortable in an intimate relationship w a woman than a man, and more comfortable in a a straight community than a gay community.

All these years I've met many many many gay men, led intimacy workshops w my partner at the time, lived in the gay community in SF for 5 years & had many gay friends. My exp over & over has been than most gay men have not had sex w women... and that most gay men have fear around women (obviously some straight men do as well).

I brought this up to ARB, because sexual identity is not a box...it's fluid... & I sensed his natural reaction could be to think he was gay, due to his problems w his wife & connection with a man... yet that he could be bi. We often take 180 degree turns, when a less dramatic shift may be more realistic.

 

ARB I am sure you have different pressures than most of us with a pregnant wife and definitely that is a consideration . I give you my personal experience solely as my own and my thoughts , my wife found out I was sleeping with guys from a stray text and confronted me three months later as she was wrestling in her mind with this and at the time was planning a divorce and figuring what it would take to live in her own etc . Needless to say after confronting me and me admitting it and then jointly seeking counseling olusnme on my own we are working together on reconciling this . That being said my only regret was I never came clean of my attraction to guys and subsequent exploring sex . The lying And betrayal are horrible things and for a woman I been with 30 years and she trusted me with everything I lost all that very quickly . I am sure our marriage will never ever be the same and we still could end up split apart but we are trying to work through it . I am not you and your situation I just shared mine because I learned a lot about me and life in general.

 

While I agree that gay men coming from a mixed-orientation marriage are a subset of the overall gay community, it's not something I'm contesting nor does it have any bearing on my point.

I think we have similar views but are expressing things differently because I don't hear your defending the conclusion that you, the OP, or I can't be gay because we've slept with women in the past. Sexual orientation is based on attraction, not behavior, so making such a conclusion is not based on sound reasoning.

 

I had a conversation with a gay friend just the other night and he said if he found himself attracted to a woman or felt a romantic bond with her, he would not stop himself for pursuing her in some capacity. He believes in sexuality being fluid. Sometimes I think we do get too caught up on the labels.

 

SF u said: "Sexual orientation is based on attraction, not behavior, so making such a conclusion is not based on sound reasoning."

I don't understand how you can make this "black & white" conclusion. Sexual behavior is an important part of our sexuality: who we're intimate with, how it feels or doesn't feel. For many coming out, sexual behavior is fundamental: the thrill of eating some forbidden fruit. Attraction and behavior are intimately linked.

Perhaps I don't understand your point. Can u say more?