Save me from the nothing I've become. Bring me to life. (I've been living a lie. There's nothing inside) I feel like that in the Evanescence song. I've been living a lie. I never fit in. I never was much interested in the stereotypical things men are supposed to be interested in. My relationships with women seem to be more about companionship rather than any strong romantic/sexual feeling. Now I'm getting past just being middle aged and I'm still pretty much in the closet. I'm only just now (well I have been for years) getting to terms with my own sexuality. I may never get to terms with it. I don't know if I will fit in here any better than any other place. So apologies to the person who already asked me to be a "friend" here. Don't take it as a snub. I don't have any friends. I think I will just sit in the dark with my cats. I'm just glad I gave up drinking.
You are in the right place, Desertcat. You are not alone in your feelings. There are many men and women who struggle with their sexuality, as I have discovered. It is never too late to accept yourself as you are. Keep posting and I'm sure you will find some useful guidance on how to begin to move forward on this sometimes painful journey.
Hey Desertcat, As Peterpangirl said, you are not alone in your feelings Each of us come to an understanding and acceptance of our sexuality at our own pace. The heteronormative society that we grow up in can cause us to go into deep denial of our true sexuality if we are other than heterosexual. In my opinion, it is extremely important to take that journey to understand and accept our sexuality so that we can become comfortable with ourselves. It can also be very hard to make friends when we have an inner conflict that keeps us from understanding or even liking ourselves. Have you ever considered working with a therapist to help you work through this?
It takes time to accept oneself. You are not alone. You will accept yourself in time. Take it one day at a time. Concentrate on yourself. At least you are on the path to self realisation which cannot be said for many who are in denial still!
Desertcat, you did the right thing joining EC. You can say anything on here and someone will be able to relate to your feelings. I have found this site to be a real life line and have made many friends on here that I know I can say anything to and who share their feelings with no judgement or questions. Keep signing in. As hard as it feels now you have taken the first step. Many of us feel the same that we have been living a lie and as Quantumreality said we grew up thinking there is a certain way to behave, you are now realising that wasn't who you are and you now need to find and be happy with that person, and you will x I look forward to chatting with you more on here x
Hey Desertcat, welcome to EC! Here's a poem about being "nothing" by Emily Dickinson: We're all a bunch of misfits here...so you came to the right place! Sit back, relax, and tell us about yourself, we'll most certainly be glad to share with you our "nobody-ness"
Desertcat - it also strikes me that you are incredibly harsh on yourself. Could it be that you haven't so much lived a lie as that you have been misreading the truth? By this I mean that most of us see only what we want to see, focus only on what we want to see, perhaps even to the total exclusion of all else. I think it is just human nature - people do this whether gay, straight or inbetween. Add to this tendency an overwhelming societal pressure to be straight and it is perhaps less surprising that it takes some of us a very long time to begin to see ourselves more distinctly.
Desertcat .. you're not alone, welcome to the club! I'm still closeted to a greater extent, married to a woman and have two kids (23 & 18). Knew I was gay since may be late elementary school, but forced myself to marriage in response to my self shame in a society that criminalized homosexuality. I pushed my feelings back deep into the closet, wearing my "straight face" every morning, and sometimes overnight. Never doubted who I am but had a hope that I would some day be straight .. or straighter than what I am! but truth always wins .. lies have no legs, especially with oneself. It is a struggle that you'll find many of us went or still going through, time passes, struggles become past, and we have to find our way out of this dilemma. I was told to take baby steps for a change, sometimes I feel impatient, and others I don't really understand what baby steps mean. Be patient, it is painful but you already took a first step by joining this forum and expressing your frustrations. take your time in absorbing the information and the input from others, evaluate your situation and act forward slowly but surely. Please continue sharing with us how you feel and you'll find many valuable advice and support here. It is definitely a good starting point, but I agree with others, you should also be consulting a therapist, it helps a lot. It is scary at the beginning but worth every moment of it. You fit well here, you belong to a larger group than you think. Welcome home!(*hug*)
I guess I didn't save the post I wrote last night. I just wanted to say thanks. I've been going through a lot over the past 10 years of so. Not just due to my sexuality but a lot of other things and sometimes it just seems overwhelming but I'm getting by.
To read each others words, is like a hug, arms around us, myriad colours beauty warts and all, not alone but embraced, supported, welcomed,befriended, accepted without fear or favour, just being who we are, belonging, baby steps, arms opening wide... I saw this on Instagram today and hope it might bring a smile and a hug for the heart: 'Just in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You're important. You're loved. And your prescence on this earth makes a differennce whether you see it or not.' Ref tinybuddha.com
