Hi I was hoping for some advice. I'm married to a man but fell hard for a women 8 mths ago. We've had a break but my husband wants* us to try again or we're done. I'm 34 I love my husband, he makes me happy & life feels right with him, I'm attracted to him but don't ever feel like sex or enjoy it that much. I'm def way more sexually attracted to this other women (lots of butterflies with her, only once in years with him but he's much more compatible to me in all other ways) I'm either bi and prefer girls or gay. I'm concerned to get back with him if I'm gay and being with him will only help understand if im attracted to him or not if we resolve issues outside of sexuality.* But if I dont, we're done and I'm risking everything. Worried I'll get back and be fine for years then turn around gay. But don't want to lose the best thing I've had but am I lying to myself.* Both ppl are in love with me so its difficult. Any thoughts would be great.
Welcome to EC! Have you spoken to a therapist or anybody like that about this? A good therapist can help you to tackle the reasons why you're thinking certain ways and also talk about what you're really feeling. You said that your husband wants you to try again or you're done. But you didn't say that you want to try again. What do you want? And why? How long have you been attracted to women for? Is this something you're just realizing or is it something you've known for a long time and bottled up? It sounds to me right now like you don't want to leave your husband because you love him (sounds more like a best friend than a romantic interest though) and because he offers familiarity, comfort and protection. It is scary to lose those things. This other woman offers a passionate love but also no guarantees of anything else working out, so it is a real risk. I actually don't think you should choose between the two people. I think you should look at each situation individually. This woman may not be the right match for you, but that doesn't mean you should stay with your husband if you're realizing that you'd be happier with a woman overall.
Thanks. Yes i've been seeing a therapist. It comes down perhaps if I want a companionship love with him or take the risk on passionate love - I've dated him for 8 years then my longest rship was 4 mths before that so worried the passion will go anyway in any relationship & you end up with love which is what I feel for my husband. I dont think this woman Im seeing is right for me long term so would be starting over. I do want to try with my husband but worried I wont be able to last long term if I actually am gay and thats not fair on his life. I had signs throughoit my life I was attracted to women on and off, not much at high school more in patches later and didn't think it was normal per se but ignored it. Never had a mutual attraction with one until last year and it was passion id never had before. Though I did date two other women and didnt feel the same but not everyone is right for you
Does your husband know about your attraction to other women? It is possible that you could find a woman who turns you on sexually and also fits in with everything you're looking for in a partner the way your husband does. Yes I agree that passion fades in any relationship. That's just natural. And trust me, I have the same thought go through my head often when considering what I want (I've actually been in a very similar situation the past 2 years) but there's a difference between the fire-like, rip your clothes off all the time passion being gone and not wanting to have sex at all because it just doesn't do it for you anymore. If you were with a woman, you might still be attracted to her 8 years later and enjoy sex plenty, even if it isn't the way it was the first 4 months of the relationship.
Yes he knows about my attraction to women. Unfortunately he watched me unintentionally fall for a mutual friend when we were at a very low point of our relationship cos of other issues. I have seen her since we took a break which is hard on him but I had to explore the feelings, they were too strong. I have regrets about the way I handled it but I cant go back and change that
