Coming out ...the gratitide that comes for being the man I am

I want to, need to speak out, if only to each of you. Though I am only fairly new to these pages. The help in these short weeks, has been simply beautiful. Thank you all.

My journey, the conscious path (incremental and unfolding) to coming out of the closet, my closet for real and for good, is one that in truth began in the late nineties, in the last few years of my marriage.

Writing now, it is because you can hear me, we can hear each other.

It is not a rush or hurry, for this waking homosexuality (a word of personal meaning, which I use here with much intent, joy and acceptance) this maturity of conviction and self awareness has been going on all my life, only that now it has become, I have come to a stage where it has become so visceral, energetic, alive and me.

I seek that experience, and tactile masculine sensuality that is only, can only be found between men. That I can feel in inner most ways, that is of men who like and are liked by men. I cannot feel it in any other way.

And while I have experienced strong heterosexual relations in the past, like any virile young man, it seem to have wilted on the vine. Things truly do change. The flavour has become something altogether other. The beauty I see and am drawn in other men is the very thing they find in me. Homosexuality. I shall no longer hide.

The sensual attraction to the female body, always experienced with learnt exuberance from days of high school girl friends and nights at the local cinema, and dances, always however with a tint of discomfort. It just never felt right, try as I did, fall in love head over heals with one pretty girl, then another, again and again, at heart I never felt right. Now I know why.

Though I would never admit it, now its complely gone. Simply not there. Im becoming me.

And though at this moment in a loving straight relationship, though beginning head over heals in that same old way, it has become plutonic - by attrition. We don't sleep together, my excuse I snore to which we agree, while sexual intimacy and the want for such on my part is increasingly long gone. Motivation and barely arousal, is masked by 'its late, I'm tired, its better for me in morning'. To offer my partner the fulfillment she naturally desires and deserves, is no longer possible for me or in reality desired. And has been for along, at least until we were last intimate, only enabled by unspoken and privately prompted fantasies on my part... the thought of a mans penis next to me, his chest, his buttocks, eveything that is masculine, these are the things that come to mind like welcome flood.

A fact not fair or kind to either of us. acing the secret truth that now for me to become aroused with a women,

So have I become celibate, at least physically, for fantasy is another story.

Life seems, to go through stages, unique and personal to each.

For me, those days of boyhood, around 16, two friends in particular, our liasons not simply boyhood games, but deeply held sexuality that is homosexual at its core.

Then that waning, the culture of normative heterosexuality and all its symbols. My own being pushed and squashed down...but at no time in all these years have I felt at ease, at one, beyond discordance with who I am.

Through marriage and the arrival of beautiful children, on till change presciant in me for all these years, pushed through like the lava of a volcano, once the opening is peirced cannot be held back.. It is the same when we come to that thundering rush that is ejaculation. When nothing can hold it back, nor do we want too, though knowing the rush and bliss felt is in reality momentary.

These recent days, come on top of a period of some seventeen years since, as I wrote in an earlier post, of the night I asked, somewhat naively and clumsily, how she would if I was homosexual.

Now I realise I was actually saying then and there 'I am homosexual' and with this admission, in these words I feel so free, so real. I am in this very moment coming out. I know you will understand. And surely will smile too.

Along this often aching path, with much gratitide, was a very unique lady I dated for a time. A time which brought my sexuality, the hidden secrets of who I am, out into the open (between us) through our play.

Our relationship, often torrid, always layered, passionate, confronting and erotic in no small way, lasted three years.

It had begun online, from opposite sides of the pacific, via dating service. The last six months living together in my home town. And in that time, began the most amazing journey. Both lovers of writing, our words took new wings.

The experiences our intimacy aroused and ignited, were first set as a teenager with my two boy friends.

As a boy and a teen in the late 1960's and 70's, we did not at time think of or call ourselves gay (and did dare not) for on looking back our intimacy was that of innocent young lovers, playful and intent. Hidden from the eyes and intolerance of straight country life and acknowledged expectations of families and straight laced (often times straightjacketed) community cultures.

Jump forward to the gymnastics enjoyed in my Californian girls arms - as a mature, yet in reality timidly searching adult, were seeds that found a fertile, safe and welcome garden.

Our fantasies alway homosexual, she always on top - and from behind, me always happy to recieve, the sensations as if memories welling up from some familiar past.

Her own body shape more masculine, youth like than girlish. About which we often joked about having been male lovers many times before.

And amid all this she was vividly aware and knew every moment, of my comfort in this place, of my unspoken wish one day the experiece be physically, emotionally, and intimately complete. Her encouragement of my steady coming out to her, to myself was a gift, that today I begin to know more fully.

Though our ways parted, and in time we have lost contact, my gratitude to her is deep and wide.

The reality, I want and need the feelings I experience as a gay man from the someone who lives and feels these too... and that can only be from another gay man.

I have written here much more than I intended, the thoughts and self acknowledgements having flowed out in such a way that I know is timely and true.

And in all this chatter and unbundling, against the lifelong thread of guilt and dont you go there, is the unmistakeable intention now to come out. To be fully me.

Thank you for witnessing my story afresh, unfolded, unfolding.

 

Thank you so much..It is an amazing feeling. Your words, and encouragement is felt sincerely. The feeling each time I write and in the days between is llike I've been here before. But also a warmth, as these admissions, memories, acknowledgements come bubbling to the surface. It seems once begun, it can't be turned back, nor would I want to.

The other experience being felt, is what I can only describe as the quality of 'being gay'..I dont mean that to be twee, but rather, it has a quality...a sensitivity, I guess which takes on all the things we equate with homosexuality. A certain be-ing-ness, unique, and only known by being in it, being that quality. Which by experience is both self evident and untouchable.

I would enjoy learning-reading more of your experiences, and obseration on this, and/or suggestions on where I might read/dive into more.

Though I feel/want at some time (not date specific or urgent) want to connect with LGBTI people-friends face to face (with caution, prudence and mindful awareness) It looks like a brightening light at the far end of a once loooong but now far shorter tunnel... or closet opening into Narnia as it were (&&&)

 

Just read it... wonderful. Shall search your journey. Thank you. :eusa_danc

 

I just read your question...and realised 'nothing'. I'm smiling from head to toe. Absolutely nothing. OMG...(!):eusa_danc I think you just helped me to push open the closet door. It's 4.30 in the morning and I'm wide awake...:roflmao:

I'm stumped for words......right now I want to sing!!!:eusa_danc

 

Just these EC interactions, 2 dimensional, simple yet powerful proof...

Ta QR, took a quick search and found 8 LGBTQ Meetup Groups in my part of the world. (I had done so quite awhile back but put it aside, left perolate till another day...it seems the coffee is near brewed...lol ). Onegroup is a Mature Age Gay Mens Meetup. I'm made an appointment with myself to go....OMGosh...!

Its amazing, after reading your reply this morning, I found myself day-dreaming in the wee small hours of doing just this. The picture so clear, and opening coming out amongst understanding and healthy hugs.

And there tucked in my imagination, hearing myself saying to them all 'I'm Julien and I'm Gay and I'm Proud to be'. Even saying this quietly to myself (and writing here now) was/is so freeing.

Rehearsal truly is a step along the way. Like all stories, shows and movies...from Caberet to Priscilla, except this one is mine.:smilewave