Feeling really guilty today...

Given your on the verge of asking for a separation, and you just took your thoughts of same sex attraction to that of a physical act, I would suggest you promptly sit down and put all the cards on the table. The event happened last night, you gave in to your impulses, now is a good time to bring it to a head. I would suggest not letting it fester. The sooner you act, the better it will be for everyone involved.

 

Amen to wht "OTH" says , as he knows my story I cheated on my wife starting almost 7 years ago exploring my same sex attraction. And my sole regret is I never told my wife from the beginning , it may never have changed it and I would h e seemed the exploring sexually but the complication of infidelity makes it rough. We are doing great now 7 months later but the pain early was bad and could Hve been avoided etc

 

I think the worst thing you could do right now is beat yourself up for cheating on your wife. We're all human and we give in to impulses and temptations sometimes. I'm not saying that it is okay to cheat, but focusing on condemning yourself for what you did isn't constructive and won't change that it happened.

What OTH said seems spot on to me. It's time for you to consider what you really want and take this experience highly into account. Why did you act on your desires? Do you want to experience it again? Is it something you can do without shame or guilt if you and your wife are separated?

 

Although I agree with a couple of the users who say to consider what you really want, I would ask that you take a step back and think about what you really want. A lot of this seems to have happened so fast! I had been married 7 years (and with her for 5 before that) before I discovered I was bi. Although I did tell her (just like you did) when I finally admitted it to myself, it took me some time to verify how I feel. It took her some time too. Being that you did something and you know you liked it (also really cool that you knew that right away) you may have such confused feelings and emotions right now that I encourage you to think about it all for a while before you react. You asked your wife for a separation. Is this because of your new found sexuality or is it because your other problems are too complicated to fix? Or do neither of you hope to fix the marriage?

 

Have you considered couples counseling?

 

I absolutely suggest seeing a therapist yourself. Everybody should! It really helps.

If you decide you want to remain in your marriage, you have to try and fix the issues between you and your wife. Even the ones that you think are not fixable. Deciding to not even try is a form of throwing in the towel in my eyes, which is fine if that's what you choose, but that is when separation makes sense.

 

You should be honest to your wife. She deserves the honesty. You can take all the time you want to think things through. but you owe her transparency. Sorry if this seems harsh, but it's the reality. Hiding behind "need to take my time", is just that, hiding.

 

I think that's a really smart move ... let the heat of the moment cool down so you don't do or say something you regret. I think that blurting out to your wife that you had a same-sex encounter could be quite damaging right now ... it's bound to be really hurtful to your wife and may ultimately serve no real purpose. Find a third party to whom you can confide in confidence if you feel that you need to share this information with someone else.

 

That's really a cop out.....sorry, but the damage is done. Time will only make it worse. Come clean and let the proper healing begin sooner than later.

I can appreciate justaguyinsf views to let the emotions settle, that certainly seems like a valid point. But I would set a specific critical path with an end date to tell her. And not let it drag out. The longer it drags out, the more you may try and rationalize what you did and thereafter convince yourself you do not need to say anything. This, as others here have experienced, can only then lead to more pain for both you and your wife as you risk normalization of what you did in your own mind leading to a potential repeat offense.

Proceed with caution.

 

I disagree with your characterizations, especially that "the damage is done," which rings of hubris given that you (I assume) don't know anything about the OP's life or situation other than what he has shared. But I think it is fair to say, knowing as we all do how people react to being told that they have been cheated on, that the damage from disclosing a previously unknown infidelity is probably many degrees more serious than the damage if any (other than to one's own conscience) that comes from having a brief surreptitious fling. That's why I think that unless one plans to make a habit of being unfaithful or has contracted an STD through straying, blabbering about a one-off infidelity is usually just an easy way to dump one's own guilt onto one's partner under the guise of "honesty," which of course puts a fake sheen of benevolence on the whole thing. (Maybe that's the main attraction of it, come to thing of it.) Yes, one must proceed with caution, and with heightened concern for one's partner.

 

Clearly our perspectives are different. And all I can offer up is to look at all the posts of guilt and remorse that other EC members whom have been unfaithful have been dealing with (as well as the pain their spouses have felt). Those stories speak for themselves. I am not judging, we each of our own moral compass. I am simply reflected a way to manage through it with as minimal pain for everyone as possible.

 

I'd hate to take this thread into an argument of whether confessions are good/bad or take away from OP's problems, but I did want to add a little more from my perspective, since I have some experiences with same sex guilt while in a hetero marriage.

We all know that the mind can be a very powerful tool to help us cope with negative or insecure feelings. Back before I ever admitted to myself that I am bisexual, or had any real desires to be with men, I actually went to a gay area in my hometown and hooked up with a guy. In my mind, I hadn't planned it to go that way, and even as I sat at a bar having a drink "I was just there for a drink and kill some time". I know. Major lying to myself, especially because I was already married. This is about a year before I told my wife I'm bi (or myself). Move forward and I did end up performing sexual acts with a guy. I quickly left and went on to meet up with friends somewhere else (the original plan. The gay area was a quick stop before my actual plans).

The next day I felt immense guilt and wanted to tell my wife everything. I commended you earlier on knowing how you felt because I myself had no idea what I did meant. I didn't know if I had liked it, if I hated it or if I had answered any of the questions I had been asking myself for weeks. I think the guilt of it all made me more confused and made me tell myself I was just curious and stupid for giving in to such a bad idea. Not just the cheating, but also the being with a guy.

As I thought about telling my wife how to tell her, I did a little bit of reading and soul searching, and what stood out to me the most was that by telling her what I did, I would definitely be unloading all of my guilt and putting it on her shoulders. Now in my case, I was pretty sure she'd forgive me, which made it even worse. I knew she would say she forigives me, after some time, but would never be happy again. Not fully. I still feel guilty about it today, but I never told her. Even after I told her I'm bisexual, a year later. The guilt is something I live with but it has gotten a little easier. I don't know if I'll ever tell her. I don't see how that would make anything better for her. I hurt and it's only my fault, but I learned to not beat myself up about it all the time. I know others may not agree, but I don't deserve that either. So I feel the occasional guilt. But it has not made me think "well, did it once, I can do it again". I don't think it's a "gateway drug" if you will. My 2 cents.

Furthermore, I just worry that your emotions are high right now and that maybe your infidelity is not the only thing eating and your conscious. I know it wasn't for me. Still isn't sometimes. I hope you can take some time to sort out your feelings and see someone to talk to about it. or keep visiting EC. And when the time comes (may be sooner than you expect) you will make a decision with a clearer mind.

 

Cubbie,

You raise some thoughtful points. I do have a question for you though. Your in a mixed marriage. If I recall from your posts you and your wife are not physically intimate. I can not recall what your decision was pertaining to staying together, but I do recall some degree of confusion on your part. So my question is, have you gotten to the point where you and your wife are happy with your relationship, and do you feel like you are content as a person?

My assumption to the question I just asked you is that you might very well be deep in the midsts of trying to answer that for yourself (sorry in advance if this is wrong). And that is perfectly ok! If my assumption is correct, I do believe that goes to how you perceive the decision process being discussed.

The question that everyone needs to ask themselves from my standpoint is "What should I do to achieve the end result of finding happiness and do so with as minimal pain to myself and others as possible?"

This question asks two things: a) what will make me happy and b) how do I best get to this point. The question also suggests that emotional damage will be done. The pain will be unavoidable if you are to achieve your own happiness. From my perspective, you can not achieve one without incurring the other.

So if there will be emotional trauma to begin with, and you do, as an individual, want to find your own happiness (however it is defined individually), from my perspective I would prefer to rip the proverbial bandaid off sooner rather than later which allows the healing to begin rather then letting the wound fester.

If as justaguyinsf and you suggest, the decision is made not to say anything, that may suggest that you (the proverbial you) as an individual are ok to live without finding full personal contentment. That's obviously a decision anyone can make, but I am not convinced that should be the most beneficial outcome for everyone involved.

 

No need to apologize My wife and I have had problems in the past with intimacy (not all related to me being bisexual) so I'm sure that I did in fact mention that we aren't intimate before. Lately, this has not been the case. We've worked through a lot of our problems with our marriage as well as in our home and work. I'm not sure what percentages all of this had to do with this, but I'm sure it all contributed. As far as if my wife and I are happy in our relationship? You're right in your assumption. I am trying to answer that myself. I guess maybe it will help (or not) if I ever get to the second question you asked: do I feel content as a person. At the moment, I do not. I guess I'm okay but always on the verge of not being okay. There are things I love about me always (I'm a nice person and a great father), thins I love about me sometimes (I'm bisexual and that's great/terrible), and things I'll probably never like about myself (I worry a lot). And you are probably correct that my thought process has to do with where I am in my own marriage and state of being, but that's probably why I felt it was important to post on this thread. I'm sure it's why we all feel it important to help each other on a lot of threads. I just hope that he takes time before he makes any decisions. I know that's not always easy.

 

I recall Dan Savage once making some comments on this topic (I can not recall if I read it or heard him speak about it or even someone on EC referencing it). He was discussing the notion of not saying anything similar to what justaguyinsf has articulated - that sometimes the pain caused by confessing to cheating goes more to eliminating your own guilt (again the proverbial "you") with the unnecessary repercussion of causing pain for your spouse. But as I recall, the situation relates to a marriage where the couples intend to remain committed to one another.

The difference here is that the outcome is uncertain at best, and life changes are being contemplated. For me, that establishes a completely different dynamic.

I agree with you Cubbieblue, that proper thought does need to go into this, and that's what I assume you mean when you suggest time is taken before decisions are made. Making a decision is the key.....