I don't know how to put in this mask anymore. The slightest little thing can turn my mood dark and I lash out at the people around me. I seem to be apologizing to a lot of people lately, and distancing myself from others. Im just starting down this road, and I've kept my secret pretty well for my whole life, but in the last month? Maybe two? The weight just seems to be getting heavier. I don't want to hurt people, to be so angry, just because I'm hurting. The timing isn't right to move too far down this road. I know I need to see a therapist, and I'm working on that. But in the meantime, how do I keep my cool, how do I put on a smile? I am taking a trip this weekend with my wife and son and I don't feel like I'll be very good company. I've been looking forward to a solo camping trip this spring for months, but I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts for so long. I would never harm myself, that's not my concern. Usually these trips clear my head and are rejuvenating. I'm afraid this one, if I go. The rock in my gut is too heavy, my mood is too fragile. I've been exercising to blow off steam, and I've been keeping a journal of sorts and staying active and productive, but it's not enough to hide behind. Although I try to hide my emotions, the people around me still notice. How do I release the pressure that's building inside me enough to be happy in the short term while I work towards a time when I can let it all out?
ARB, Based on your threads, you seem to know your gay, so the acceptance part seems to be there already. Would you mind elaborating what time related impediments exist holding you back from progressing? That would be helpful to understand what your critical path looks like. Putting aside the admission that timing is not right, how about trying to work on shame and internalized homophobia? If your timetable reflects definitive objectives, while your waiting for those objectives to be met, you may want to try and work on rebuilding your self esteem and confidence. Get more comfortable with whom you are as a person, make productive use of improving yourself while your timetable plays out. That said, not sure what you think is holding you back. Some clarity there might be helpful, and maybe there are ways to shorten the timetable you have set for yourself.
I have a child on the way. It's been stressful preparing for that, and it puts an honest conversation with my wife off a while. I don't know why it feels so urgent after coping pretty well for so long. It's lonely. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. And I'm scared about the baby. After our first child was born it was extremely stressful and that's when I first acted on my attraction to men. But just posting here, typing out my feelings, has been helpful. Having this outlet where I can tell real people, albeit strangers, what's going on in my head makes me feel better. Thanks for listening, OTH. In typing this out, I realize that I'm kinda bad at articulating my feelings. Rereading these posts I see that I can answer some of my own questions. It's been really helpful.
Dark feelings are part of the process of coming out and accepting yourself. For me I was releasing my closet that kept me in captivity. Can you describe your dark feelings that cause you to lash out at people? Are they anger, rage, sadness, longing, despair? Where do you think they are coming from?
ARB- I encourage you to see a therapist. You need to get some of this off your chest. I'm glad you found this site. It has helped me immensely. It seems your second child on the way is triggering some of these fears and anxieties in you. You know you are gay and after your first child you acted on your temptations. Are you afraid it will happen again? Are you afraid you won't be able to resist? And then if you didn't would it be the cheating that would make you feel guilty or the reality that you will have to face that you are gay and you know your family and marriage are in trouble? If it's ANY consolation, the after the second child, things are a lot easier in terms of parenting a newborn! You actually feel like you know what you are doing! So you might not find the parenting part as stressful as the first time around. But, as to when to come out to your wife, only you can determine that. Now, after the baby, a few years down the road. No time will be easy. How far along is she? How is your communication as a couple? We wish you luck. Keep posting.
Mind if I dig just a bit further? What is it about your children that is causing you to pause? Is it the economic uncertainty that a separation might have? Is it the emotional disslocation that would result? Some combination? I waited 19 years before I made the decision to embrace my sexuality. I asked myself the same question over and over again through the years. I did set loose goals that I felt I needed to achieve both emotionally and financially before I would be prepared to embrace myself. I found I kept waiting, and waiting and waiting..... During this time, I found an outlet that kept me going - my career. Your asking how to manage given the circumstances your under. Well, if your not yet prepared to make the touch decisions (which in hindsight I wish I did much earlier in life), then maybe consider finding an outlet, a distraction, a way to refocus yourself. I put my mind towards my work, others put their minds in their writing, others found hobbies, artistic pursuits, and people even put all of their focus into their children. It sounds like you currently are under a lot of self imposed stress and pressure given your young family. Try and release some of that pressure by redirecting yourself towards other pursuits. Alternative, make the hard decisions that will surely release pressure, but certainly will cause a degree of emotional pain doing so (which one way or another and in due course such emotional pain my not be avoidable given your situation).
I'm angry. Really angry. I over react to things. I also feel desperate to talk about my feelings, which is why, I think, EC seems to help in the short term. And I feel jealous. When I see two gay men together I am jealous of their freedom in some weird way that I can't nail down. Mostly though, its a anger. At my parents for "forcing" me to be heterosexual, and my wife for locking me into this relationship. I know its not reasonable to be angry at my wife, but that's the feeling. I'm not afraid of cheating again. It seems like that ship has sailed. I don't really feel guilty, even though I should. My marriage and family is in trouble regardless. Our communication is non-existent. There has been no intimacy, physical or emotional, in a long long time. There was a lot of pressure to have another child. We didn't sleep together for maybe a year before that, and haven't since. Over a year ago she stopped taking birth control and basically told me that if I wanted to sleep with her again, it would be to have a kid. And that didn't really bother me for obvious reasons. The new baby will be born at the end of July. My wife's attitude towards me lately is that if she gives me enough space and time that I'll eventually cheer up. She's been seeing a therapist for a few months and working out some depression and anxiety issues. I do feel guilty that I've been partially responsible for that, though they existed before we met. The concerns I have about my children are for their well being. I do most of the parenting now, and I'm fine with that. I don't want to leave them, even for shared custody. My son (3 years old) is awesome! There are two ideal situations that I've thought of. One is that somehow I manage to live next door to my wife and kids and still see them daily. The other is that I can leave and get full custody, which won't happen. My wife isn't a bad parent. She just seems....absent? disconnected? But maybe that's just with me. I've been working on a plan to improve our financial situation and move the my family closer to my in laws so that my wife has support when the excrement finally hits the air conditioning. Part of that has been pouring myself into some home improvements, but I find myself easily frustrated. More than once I just have to throw my tools down and walk away. I wasn't like that before.
Remember your moods are largely within your control and arise from thoughts that you choose to have. So one way to change your mood is to stop thinking negative thoughts and instead think of positive ones. No doubt you have a lot of good stuff in your life despite your struggles over your sexuality. Don't let that struggle define and color everything else in your life ... we are all more than just our sexuality. Also, for a little perspective be aware that coming out is not going to be a cure-all. A couple of years ago I went to a group I found on meetup.com for gay men who were formerly married. I went to the first meeting and many of the men were in their 50's 60's and had been divorced for many years. I was stunned by the level of bitterness expressed by some of these guy ... complaining about how they had "wasted" their lives and so forth. My point is you may be overestimating what coming out is actually going to do for you and not realizing that (1) you would be taking on some new problems as you leave others behind, and (2) even if you're completely out and proud you will still face the same challenge of all people to find meaning and happiness wherever you happen to be. No time to start doing that than the present!
You are jealous of the two gay men because you want that! You feel trapped in a heterosexual lifestyle that you never wanted because of the influence of your parents and wife. Your anger is a call to action. In order to heal your anger, you need to start taking action towards your goal of coming out. You need to confront your parents about how their attitudes impacted your life. You need to come out to your wife and start the dialog about your sexuality. It would be helpful to take responsibility for your past decisions and forgive yourself for not coming out sooner. The challenge for you is that you've decided to delay these actions (except for the last one) because your wife is pregnant. Here are some things you can do in the meantime. Come out to a trusted friend - Just be sure they won't leak this to your wife. Find a therapist and starting attending therapy. Start planning how and when you will come out to your wife - See Preparing to come out to your spouse as gay Start healing the shame and internalized homophobia - See Healing the shame of being gay Start planning how you will confront your parents about the impact of their attitudes on your life. Be sure not to turn the anger inward. If you don't release your anger constructively through action but rather turn it inward, it will turn into sadness and has the potential to lead you down a negative spiral. PS - There are many people on EC (myself included) who are much happier and more content after coming out. I belong to a support group where the members are enjoying life after coming out. Since you are gay you will be much happier living authentically.
I want to second this post and add one additional comment: Kids are resilient. I can appreciate being concerned about there well being. So long as both their parents show them love, kids should be ok. They will go through an adjustment period no doubt, but they tend to anyway, regardless of what the trigger is.
I typed this post fresh off an argument with dad at 7am. This evening I'm feeling much better. I've been on a roller coaster lately. Have you ever seen the customer service training video FISH? One of the four points is "choose your attitude." Ever since I saw the video years ago(it's used in a bunch of different organizations) that has stuck with me. And it mostly works. But it's never seemed this bad or this pervasive before. I just can't shake the anger sometimes. I'm much more than my sexuality, but so much of me lately seems restricted by the poor relationship decisions I've made. I've been tossing around the idea that my sexuality isn't the issue, my failed marriage is. But knowing that I'm gay makes it worse cause i shouldn't have made that commitment in the first place puts a lot of the blame on me. I have no illusions that coming out will make my life easier. I could lose a good portion of my family over it. Thanks for the insight. Sometimes I just need to own my emotions and control the. But should kids have to be resilient because I screwed up? Doesn't my son, and soon, his brother, deserve the attention of two parents instead of one at a time? I think it will be better to make these changes before they are too old because it might be easier on them. But last night for the first time I saw how he was effected by my unhappiness. It's a lot of pros and cons to weigh.
The best thing kids can have is two happy and devoted parents, whether they are under the same roof or not. I have always wanted the traditional family. I get that. But it doesn't always work out like that. It KILLS me to think my kids won't have that. To think there will be nights I don't see them or tick them into bed!! What can we do?? I don't know. These are the realities of our lives.
