Easier to stay Hetrosexual ?

(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

There are many types of gay men, some are gorgeous and some are quite average. Since you are only 42, odds are good that you will meet someone if you are willing to take a risk and get out there.

Similarly coming out to your family involves risk - you seem worried that you might lose them and have not considered the possibility that they might reshape their views when someone they love comes out as bisexual/gay. Personally I don't need anyone in my life who doesn't approve of my lifestyle. Regarding the church, I would become the voice of change or find a new church.

To answer the question "Easier to stay Heterosexual ?"

Keep in mind the short-term and long-term consequences of your decision.

While it may appear to be easier in the short term to go with the flow and be what others expect of you (to act heterosexual), in the long term this is the harder path to follow because you would have shortchanged yourself to meet the expectations of others. Remaining in the closet takes and living a lie will take a huge toll on your integrity and caused erratic behavior. If you remarry, your attraction to guys will not go away and will get stronger as you age. You will continue to live in denial of your true self. Eventually you'll need to come out and explain to your second wife why you deceived her.

You've already done most of the heavy lifting (getting a divorce), so it seems to be being bisexual/gay is the easier path for you in the long-run.

(&&&)

 

You have absolutely no reason not live your life authentically! What you need to do is begin to heal from the shame that is stopping you from being whom you truly are meant to be.

 

A virtual hug to u Jamie!

Being bi myself, I know that it's complicated, generally frowned on by both gay & straight alike, & can be frought w many internal arguments.

Like any institution, no church is free of positions that may be contrary to your being. Consider finding other groups where u are accepted & loved for who u are!

Yet, when I see a guy I'm attracted to, I know I'm different than straight guys. Underneath all of our likes & dislikes, quandaries, & surrounds … our conscious nature, of being awake & aware, is what's most vital. Good luck.

 

Loads of virtual hugs tp you, Jamie1975!

First and perhaps most important, you're really not considering "staying" heterosexual. You're considering continuing to pretend you're heterosexual. There's a big difference, and in the end pretending, like lying, will add to your stress level and take away your ability to just live your life happily. I can tell you that while I don't advertise that I'm gay or make a big deal out of it, I also don't put any effort into hiding it either. Some people likely assume and some do not; I babble incessantly about my daughters and my pets just as I always did, only now instead of making references to my wife, I make references to my partner. Sometimes I edit that bit of information when I'm with people who would be triggered by it, but I also avoid talking about my kids with a co-worker who lost her only son in a car accident. You adjust what you say based on your audience. Every thoughtful adult does that. Not everyone is OK with people being gay, and I'm secure enough to respect that. It's part of who I am, but so are many other things that I may or may not share.

What a wonderful bit of wisdom! We are part of many little communities. Churches, jobs, neighborhoods, families, political organizations, and more. You are not likely to ever find one that accepts 100% of who you are. There is a group of people at my church who would tense up and even reject me entirely if I mentioned being gay--but I've met plenty of other gay people who have the same reaction when I tell them I'm Catholic and am involved with my parish. You will never please everyone, and part of coming out is realizing that, and applying it to your life. Not just your sexuality either! We can respect people's beliefs even if they don't correlate with ours, and we can develop the confidence in ourselves to act on what we believe without needing the approval of others. I'm a terrible people pleaser and even at, my first instinct is still to do what will make others happy, even if I'm not. Sounds like you have basically the same struggle. There are days when rejection stings. But my experience has been that a lot of people are also surprisingly supportive, and even more important, a lot of them just don't care. I think I like that the best, because it means I'm just me, and the fact that I'm gay is just a part of all the other significant and insignificant things they notice that all add up to the person I am. If you make your homosexuality the litmus test for everything in your life, you're just trading one closet for another.

Finally, I met my partner when HE was 42 and I was 53. We're slightly chunky, graying middle-aged guys who would look absolutely ridiculous dressed like a couple of gay boys headed for the club. I met him in person on one of the worst days of his life, and he looked like hell, but I saw something in his eyes that I've never seen in anyone else's, before or since. Focus on accepting who you are, good and bad, and know that you are unique and have your own special place in the world.

Best of luck to you. Take small steps and look for small victories. There have been many times over the past 4 years that I've felt that I have made no progress whatsoever, but if I take a glance behind me I realize to my surprise how far I've come. You will too!!
(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)