I can't help but be a little jealous of the married folks on here who's spouses seem to be supportive or at least mature. I guess part of the problem with my entire relationship has been communication problems, and a feeling that my feelings weren't taken into account with a lot of things or I wasn't really seen as a person, just a sex object. Now, I am NOT totally blaming him. How the hell can he fully see me when I can't fully see myself? I don't even know if that makes sense. But we just saw each other for the first time in a week, I was on a business trip, he had taken a personal vacation. Our children stayed with his mom. And, ya know, I grabbed a beer, going to catch up. And, he can't even look at me. Has zero interest in having a conversation outside of telling me how he can go down moguls now (he went skiing in Vermont) and it just seems like, well hell, I know I cheated. I know I dropped a bomb when I said I was attracted to women. And, he has outright told me that my attraction to women is not something that he can accept. And in general I think we have grown apart. We have evolved to the point where our marriage relationship is not good for either one of us. What do you think I should do? Should I try to continue to engage in conversation or should I take care of myself and move on emotionally from this situation that seems kind of bad right now?
I'm not married but it seems like a difficult situation. I'm not sure what you're asking though. Do you mean to ask if you should work on your marriage or separate? I think that's a question for a really good marriage/family therapist. It must be tough for your husband as well...it seems too difficult for him to talk about the important stuff right now. Maybe give it some time?
This may just take some time to blow over and him having time to adjust. It will be 2 years in June since my kids' mother and I split. And it has definitely been a time filled with turbulence and many ups and downs. For the first year or so, we barely communicated at all, and when we did it was usually texts laced with venom and obscenities. Cut to present day, and we actually get along much better now. Hopefully, in time he will come to see that separating has been for the best. Good luck with everything.
Everyday brings something new. My husband and I are going through ups and downs and I think we had a break through. He is willing to do to therapy with me to work on our communication skills. He says he understands my sexual orientation is not something I can change and I have been repressing it. He is still not able to be in a marriage with a mixed orientation and I get that. But I can't pretend to be something else either. But I'm hoping we can be friends and respect each other. I got into this marriage with the idea that he was my protector, my rock, stability that I needed. That was a long time ago. I met him when I was 22. I've grown and so has he. And dynamics changed in our relationship. I miss him. I miss what we had. But we can't have that anymore. We have to have something different.
I'm so sorry he took it so poorly and that he didn't have a better reaction when you first told him. I think going to therapy is a great way for you two to learn to communicate better. It might also help him see where you're coming from better and that you want a friendship with someone you care so much for. I'm one of those people that came out to my wife and we are still married. But it's not all roses. She took some time to evaluate her feelings quietly, and while that may have seemed like a great start to me, it has lead to us never considering any of my needs, feelings, thoughts or feelings. For us, because she was so quick to "accept" me, it has made me go back and forth between me hating myself all the time, as opposed to starting a healing procedure. I hope everything works out for you and that you are happy with yourself because you deserve to be happy.
Hey OED27x, I can relate to you...When my separation process begins (it seems inevitable at this point) I know my husband will shut down all communication and close off to me, he has a defense reaction that is just vicious (In fights he's said some very hurtful, spiteful things to literally stun me into submission - and he has admitted it!) I have often felt in my marriage that I wasn't seen as a person and equal but a 'sex object'. It goes a long way to eroding the trust between two people when one of them feels that way. Sometimes I don't think the trust can ever be built back up to a place where true love is felt again. I hope you guys can find a way to communicate better with some therapy. All I can offer is just to concentrate on being the best version of you and being there for your kids. When you are able to start exploring your new identity more, do it. Don't look back. You are further down this road than I am and I admire you for that. Stay strong (*hug*)
