Ever since I started to feel attracted to females (which has only been 2-3 months), aside from being totally confused as to why this his happening to me now for the first time at 41 years old, I have had this weird, sad, sort of "broken-hearted" feeling like most of the time. I'm not kidding, it's bizarre. I walk around with the kind of heartache and sadness I've usually felt only when a relationship ended or something. I haven't been in a relationship with anyone in some time, so I know it's not that. I just can't shake the feeling...it will be sadness, then anxiety, then sadness, then ok, then it starts all over again. I truly feel miserable right now. I was totally fine before I started feeling attracted to the same sex. Why is this happening and am I just losing my mind?
Maybe it's because you feel different about yourself now and you're mourning the loss of the 'old you. You're still getting used to your new reality and how it impacts your life. I'm gonna send you a friend request. If you wanna talk some more about this and how you're feeling just post on my wall (if it helps we're the same age)
Hey Rana What you are going through is perfectly normal. Although I’ve never been deeply depressed or suicidal about my sexuality, I’ve had many of those same thoughts about wishing I was ‘normal’ and how I’d give almost anything or do anything God wanted if I could only be straight. Most of us in the LGBTQ community experience these thoughts at some time in our lives. And when we truly realize and understand that we can’t change this about ourselves, it can lead to a feeling of despair. This is part of the grieving process. Most of us grow up being taught, whether through religious doctrine or just what society basically deems ‘normal’ that homosexuality is an aberration. When we start to realize that we are not ‘normal’ based on those influences, we might start to lose part of our confidence and our self-worth. We might feel that we are letting our parents and those we love down. But, of course, this isn’t true. We don’t choose our sexuality. We are who we were born to be and the way to deal with that is to live our lives being the best people we can possibly be. There are 5 steps to the grieving process. First comes Denial: in this case, “no, I’m not gay.” Next comes Anger: “I hate this and I hate myself! Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ like most other people? Why ME!?!” Then comes Bargaining: “So, maybe I’m gay, but then again maybe I’m bisexual. But, no I’m certain I’m gay. Or am I…?” After that comes Depression: “I want to be ‘normal.’ I wish I was heterosexual. This sucks and I don’t think I could ever really live life as a homosexual. I know I can’t face my parents. I don’t even want to face society. I’m just going to hide somewhere until it goes away. Why did I have to be the victim of this cruel joke?” Until, finally, there is Acceptance: “Hmm… Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I can accept my homosexuality, my same-sex attractions. And you, know what? My sexuality is just a part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am going to be the person I was born to be and I will do amazing things with my life!” The steps don’t always occur for any given person in that order and people sometimes go back and forth among the steps. This is a journey that each of us has to undertake on their own, but know that there are people here at EC who understand and will support you as you go through this. I hope that gives you some perspective that you can relate to in terms of what you are going through.
Hi Quantumreality, Thank you for your kind words. Your analysis of the grieving process is pretty spot on, and I appreciate your wisdom immensely. Since starting to feel same sex attraction about 2-3 months ago, I've reached a point where I feel okay about being either lesbian or bisexual (haven't figured that out yet). If I am, then I am. Coming out (after I figure things out for myself) will be a whole other issue that I haven't even thought about yet. But honestly, the most amount of fear and anxiety I feel is when I think about how I'm going to navigate in the same-sex dating world. When I'm ready to do that, will I feel like a dumb naive girl all the time as if I'm an inexperienced teenager again (who would want that whole mess all over again)? Would I even be accepted by other lesbians who (I've heard) don't always consider late in life lesbians as "real" lesbians thereby not wanting to get involved? All these things are weighing on my mind much earlier than they need to be. Right now I wake up each day feeling isolated like I'm on some island in the middle of nowhere with no one who would want to understand me. I guess it doesn't help that my immediate community of friends/acquaintances does not include any LGBT identifying people. My profession is one requiring a doctoral degree and is really not one conducive to open LGBT people (so obviously that is weighing on my mind as well) so I don't really have the luxury of knowing a lot of LGBT people. I'll figure things out eventually, but this really sucks (and yes, I sometimes wish I didn't have to deal with all this and just be "normal"..whatever that is). Regardless, your kind words and guidance are very helpful. Thank you. ♥
Though virtual support isn't the same as physical support and companionship, let EC fill that void for you. Trust me when I say, EmptyClosets gave me the support I needed to be more confident about accepting who I am. Use the opportunity to make friends here. They'll definitely stand by you.
Hey Rana, The Five Stages of Grief that I mentioned came from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist. She was a very insightful lady. I understand your anxiety about starting out anew/fresh with dating in the same-sex world. I’d say the main thing is to get just yourself out there when you are comfortable doing so. Maybe just start out by getting yourself involved socially with other LGBTQ people before you even worry about dating. You can meet other LGBTQ people through visiting or volunteering at a nearby LGBTQ center. By doing a little research (on the internet (such as meetup.com)/at a nearby LGBTQ center/etc) can probably find LGBTQ local sports/hobby/interest groups that you might be interested in joining. Just some thoughts. Take Care!
Hi Quantum, How awesome are you to give me ideas on resources to get in touch with other LGBTQ people. I really didn't know where to start. I did a very brief bit of research on my local LGBTQ center and other local resources, and I already feel a little better. I think we call this hope, which is something you have inspired...and that is priceless. Thank you for caring. You have no idea how the tiniest glimmer of hope has the potential to help me at this moment. I'm grateful beyond words. ♥
Hey Rana, I'm not sure what to say to you because although what we're going through is very similar our experiences are very different. Not sure why that is but to give you the short version of me - about a year ago I began to explore the possibility that I might be gay, just in my own head. And when I began thinking about it it just felt like I'd pushed through a door that had had always been there but I'd never explored. I don't why I hadn't and I could spend a lot of time filled with regret that it took me so long to push through. For some reason I haven't felt guilt, regret or fear - I've just gone with it. Maybe the fact that I never had any really lasting 'real' relationships with men makes this transition a lot easier for me. I'm saying this to let you know that there are many of us out there who come to this place with different life experiences, different hopes, fears, regrets and all the rest. There is no right or wrong way I think (and I know nothing) to deal with this but to just get through it and try and come to terms with it in your own way. Empty Closets tells of the myriad of different experiences and of how we all cope and accept in different ways. I hope your journey will find a smooth path but I would guess you have to deal with how your feeling - the sadness and the anxiety - and then begin to explore the attraction that you're feeling towards women, at your own pace. I've chickened out of meetups but there's this really active lesbian group in my city that I'm definitely going to on Saturday. Am I nervous, apprehensive? For sure, but I go in hope! I've also met some really nice people using online dating, one that didn't work out alas but I haven't found people judgemental about the fact that I'm 42 and only realised a year ago that I'm gay. If they've an issue with that, that's okay, I'm not going to pursue it, they're not and we move on, no big deal. So what Quantumreality said about looking at groups, meetups is spot on...the lesbian group on meetup in my city does football nights, movie nights, group dinners, coffee evenings, hiking, anything you can think of...if there's one that's doing something you're interested in maybe that's a place to start. And don't worry, you're not losing your mind, you're finding your way.
