Can a conservative/oppressive culture or environment cause a person to have repressed their sexual orientation only to have it be known years later? I don't mean feeling gay/lesbian and not coming out for fear of your conservative society's backlash. What I mean is whether it's possible to NEVER feel gay/lesbian growing up, only to have those feelings later in life (like over 41 in my case). Psychologists say that in that case it's possible to either be (1) fluid (meaning your sexual orientation actually changed), or (2) have those feelings for the first time because even though you were truly gay/lesbian, somehow those feelings were repressed (ie. you never felt attracted to same sex) because of some subconscious/mental/emotional thing that was going on as a result of fear instilled in you by some conservative/oppressive culture. My question is really regarding #2. I'm from the middle east, and being gay/lesbian is NOT tolerated (like wayyyyyy worse than in western cultures). When I first started feeling attracted to the same sex, I thought it was fluidity of my sexual orientation because I never felt this EVER. But now, I'm wondering if it was the second possibility of perhaps having my true orientation repressed due to my middle eastern (i.e. oppressive) cultural influences? I don't know.
To me it seems that due to cultural influences etc you probably unknowingly/subconsciously hid it from yourself and in doing so kept yourself safe. It's horrifying that people are still killed for being gay.
The thing is, I didn't grow up in the middle east so there was no threat to my life, but I still grew up with that culture within my family, so homosexuality was seen as extreme deviant behavior, like almost criminal behavior. Obviously it's difficult for gay people everywhere but in some cultures it's beyond extremely bad for gays. The middle east is one of those cultures. So I don't know, maybe that caused me to repress stuff? Who knows. It's too bad, but I guess better late than never.
From reading what you're saying I would go for #2. Or a combination of both. I had actually forgotten about my first crush on a girl for a long time, it had scared me a lot. After that I thought I just liked to experiment with girls, sort of came out twice but went back into the closet, I had to deal with other things in my life and wasn't ready to figure this out or feel comfortable with myself being bisexual. I pushed it away. Until I fell in love with a woman and suddenly I remembered I had been in love with a girl before. Sometimes you find puzzle pieces and things fall into place. I know mine was kind of a huge sign, but even things like that can be forgotten/repressed. Maybe you've had feelings or thoughts before that you don't remember because you also repressed them or didn't even recognise them at the time. If you're comfortable with it, try to go back into your mind and heart and think about the way you were as a child, as a teen, and as a (young) adult. Try to bring back memories. Sometimes things just come back and pop into your head. Maybe there were signs, even the slightest... even just a feeling or reaction you had when you saw something on tv or a beautiful girl that you may have forgotten about. Maybe you can find an answer there. But even if you don't, it could still be #2 because your environment just didn't allow you to feel this way. Hope this makes sense it's hard to explain.
Rana, it seems that #2 is more likely. It'll all depend on how you can interpret it. Were you always attracted to men, then, later in life, things changed? Only you can answer your questions. Anything can happen, but the important thing now is for you to identify yourself, find who you really are, accept it peacefully and learn to live with it. whether you have been lesbian from the beginning or not is relatively irrelevant, although might be important for you at this stage, but what you are now is what is mostly important. I'm from the middle east too, moved to the US in the 90s, married to a woman (back home) and have two beautiful kids (23 old daughter & 18 old son), my daughter is getting married this summer, and, at the same time, I'm living in separation from my wife since last december. I grew up in the middle east and I understand exactly what you are talking about. Unlike you though, I knew that I was different early on, may be later in elementary school, but of course, it didn't feel "normal", so I learned to wear my "straight face" early on, unfortunately, I took religion as my mask, as my lowering my gaze in presence of women, as my cover to my true identity. I lived the inner shame and guilt of being different, and forced myself to a straight marriage as a last resort to fix my orientation. Unfortunately I was impatient and didn't even chose my life partner wisely. I lived hell on earth for 23 years between an identity struggle and an intolerable relationship. But as you said, better late than never! I didn't mean to put my story here, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this struggle, and if you'd like to chat with a "like minded middle eastern" person, I'm here for you as much as I can. Again, it'll be only you who would decide who you are and what you want.
Whoa Rana-San, your post speaks to me. I thought I was the only one feeling that way (yes, logically I know that I'm not) but it's a relief to know I'm not the only one. Sorry I rambled there, I too feel repressed to a degree, mostly because of fear of my dad/family's backlash and possible ridicle and getting disowned. These are probably just fears but still valid feelings. Yes culture can be a factor in repressing your true feelings for fear of possibly "sinning" or what have you, it varies from religion and cultures. It is completely normal to feel scared, repressed, and unsure of how everypony will react at ANY age. There is no age limit to feelings. It is completely ok to be feeling like you are, everypony experiences different feelings at different times. Does that make sense? There is still plenty of time to figure out how you feel. And when YOU feel comfortable, co,e out when you feel safe and ready. I'm sorry if this isn't very helpful, I don't have much relationship experience. All I can do is try to relate my own feelings and try to better understand yours and everypony else's and empathize. Hope this helps at least 20%. Hugs for you,(*hug*)
Yes. When society and people around you come up with traditions, customs and rules which force you to supress something within yourself, due to fear of judgement or persecution, it hurts. I live in a homophobic environment and have supressed for years. The result of that is me behaving like a straight guy 99% of the time. If I never found EC, I'm pretty sure I would've continued living and believing I was straight for years ahead. So considering that, I'd say yes. It is possible due to conservative culture.
Wow, thank you for your awesome input and wisdom everyone. It's nice to know I'm not absolutely out of my mind for thinking these things. And I agree that regardless of why I didn't connect with this part of myself before, I'm glad I have started to do so now. Better late than never. I'm also very grateful for hearing responses from others in conservative cultures. Thank you guys for your help and advice. This really does help. I don't know what I would do without this forum right now as I'm figuring things out. ♥♥♥
Yes. I grew up in a predominantly traditionally catholic country and household and it never even occurred to me that this was a possibility for me. I repressed it so hard that when I did realize it, my entire life kind of made sense whereas before I always felt confused about why I didn't really click with my dating life.
The statement about not realizing why you didn't really "click" with your dating life is very significant to me because it really describes how I've always felt very accurately. I don't know why a conservative household will cause some to repress these true feelings and others to feel them and know earlier on in life that they're gay/lesbian. All I know is that it's difficult regardless, but I know it will get easier. Thank goodness for this forum. ♥
